The Chicago Beers: If Bear Players Were Actually Tasty Brews

This article is just sort of a random piece I put together that compares each Chicago Bears starter with a cold, tasty brew.

Now, the starters were selected based on assumptions, as we won't know until we get through camp who is where, but in light of the fact the Bears do not have an experienced fullback, I inserted a third receiver instead.

I also went ahead and moved Frank Omiyale from the left guard position to the right tackle, ahead of Kevin Shaffer.

With each selection, I tried explaining my reasoning behind the selection, or at least, including something half-witty. I am always open to suggestions and feedback if you think a player deserves a different brew match than what I have.

This slideshow totals 25 slides. The 22 offensive and defensive starters, plus the punter, kicker, and head coach.

I hope you enjoy.

Jay Cutler - Coors Light

The gunslinger came over from the Denver Broncos.

He played in Mile High Stadium, located in the heart of the Rockies, where the smooth and cool ale was brewed years ago by Pete Coors.

It fits.

(You will note that Jay is not Coors, but Coors Light...As much as I love Jay, he gets the "light" notion because John Elway would be the original Coors.)

Matt Forte - Miller High Life

Miller High Life is the champagne of beers and Matt Forte is the toast of Chicago.

"Good honest beer at a tasty price," according to the commercial. Not for high-priced restaurants or fancy soirees, but could be if it wanted.

Forte signed a contract when drafted: four years for 3.78 million dollars. That is less than a million a year for a starter with the potential to be one of the top-10 running backs in the NFL.

"Good honest player at a tasty price."

Greg Olsen - Heineken

Greg Olsen is a chic pick for a breakout season again. With Mike Martz calling the plays and Olsen being a favorite target of Cutler's, G.O. could be in for a big year, which should be expected after being a first-round draft choice.

Heineken is also a chic pick. It is a beer drank at clubs and bars across the U.S. and seems to be regarded as a beer that all can enjoy but have to pay a little more for.

Devin Aromashodu - Goose Island Bourbon Country Stout

A Chicago Brew that is loved throughout the greater Chicagoland area, Bourbon Country Stout is best known for its almost overwhelming aroma.

Devin is a quickly becoming a local favorite by many in the Chicagoland area and of course, his name is just plain smelly.

Devin Hester - Bud Light

Most popular beer in the United States.

Most popular Bear in Chicago.

Earl Bennett - Rolling Rock

Rolling Rock...rarely will I choose it as my first option, but it is always in the top five and is a highly underrated beer that seems to quench my thirst and gets better with each new one I open.

Earl Bennett is perhaps the most underrated receiver in the NFC North. After not seeing the field his entire rookie year, Bennett came out and snagged 54 receptions for 717 yards. Not bad when considering he was the fourth option behind Hester, Olsen, and Forte.

Chris Williams - Carlton Natural Blonde

Carlton Natural Blonde...pitched as the "beer of the future."

Chris Williams...pitched as the "future at left tackle."

Now, if only Williams were actually a blonde...

Josh Beekman - Red Stripe

Red Stripe...it's beer, hooray beer!

But seriously, Red Stripe is a solid brew that has a bold flavor. And while generally Red Stripe is not what most people reach for first, people know that if needed, they can grab it at the store and it will still be a good night.

And that is why Beekman fits this beer. He doesn't always seem to be the first choice at guard, but whenever called upon, he comes in and just does his job...Mr. Reliable.

Olin Kreutz - Milwaukee's Best

It could be really easy to attach a Hawaiian beer to Kreutz, but lets be honest...

"The Beast" describes Olin better than any other tasty ale could.

Roberto Garza - Corona

Even more of an obvious choice than Cutler and Coors.

Garza is the son of immigrants from Mexico and can speak both English and Spanish fluently and, as one of the most recognizable Hispanic players in the NFL, was even featured on the cover of the Spanish version of Madden 09.

Corona is the top-selling beer in Mexico and one of the most popular beers in the entire world.

Frank Omiyale - St. Pauly's Girl

St. Pauly's Girl is a non-alcoholic beer.

Frank Omiyale is a non-effective player.

End of story.

Julius Peppers - Michelada

Julius Peppers...the spicy savior to the Bears' defense. After a terrible hangover following the Bears sub-par defensive effort, Peppers should provide immediate relief.

A Michelada is a spicy Mexican beer concoction that is sometimes used to cure hangovers.

A combination of beer, salt, lime, and Tabasco is just one of many different recipes that have been put together—a spicy kick that helps bring you back to your game.

Tommie Harris - Guinness

Guinness is one of the most popular beers in the world.

Tommie Harris is one of the most popular Bears.

Guinness is considered one of the best beers currently available on the market.

Harris has been considered one of the best defensive linemen in the NFL.

Guinness is super thick and generally one can only drink one or two before you have to take a break.

Harris is kind of thick and generally only plays one or two downs before taking off for the rest of the series.

Anthony Adams - Harp

Harp is a favorable beer that was once a part of the Guinness family until it broke away in 2005 because it had become strong enough to stand by itself.

Anthony Adams studied under Tommie Harris for a number of years but has actually performed better than expected the past few seasons, continuously beating out Marcus Harrison and Israel Idonije for the starting spot next to Harris.

Mark Anderson -W'08 Crimson Wheat

Mark Anderson...came out strong as a rookie, but never reached that mark ever again.

Crimson Wheat tastes pretty good when you start off, but every one after that is never quite at the same level.

Plus, Anderson went to Alabama and the university's nickname is the Crimson Tide.

...I know, it is a bit of a stretch.

Pisa Tinoisamoa - Kona Longboard

Smooth, tasty, and one of the most popular beers in the islands, Kona Longboard has been made to perfection and is generally regarded as the best locally-brewed beer in Hawaii.

Pisa Tinoisamoa was born and raised on Oahu. He is a silky smooth player to watch and packs a punch at the strongside linebacker and has been doing it for years.

Brian Urlacher - Old Style

Brian Urlacher has continued to uphold the most prestigious position in all of Chicago sports.

The middle linebacker spot is synonymous with Chicago Bears.

Old Style is the classic Chicago brew; go anywhere in Chi-town and you can find it.

It simply IS Chicago...the same way that the middle linebacker position is.

Lance Briggs - Goose Island

My old man said it best...

"A Chicago craft beer that is overlooked by the mass market, but intensely appreciated by those who know beer."

Briggs is loved by all Bears fans everywhere. He is a beast and gives it his all. Yet outside of Chicago, while considered a very good linebacker, Briggs is generally not included in the talks for the best linebacker in the NFL.

Charles Tillman - Dos Equis

Charles Tillman's mom has a tattoo that simply says "Son."

Charles Tillman once had an awkward moment, just to see how it felt.

Charles Tillman lives vicariously through himself.

When Charles Tillman gives a bear hug, he actually hugs a Bear. (That one's actually true.)

Sharks have a week dedicated to him.

Charles Tillman is the most interesting man in the world.

Zackary Bowman - Alaskan Stout

Alaskan Stout was described as:

"The unique blend of the oats and malts in Alaskan Stout produce a balanced, smooth beer with hints of coffee and caramel."

Zachary Bowman is a balanced and smooth cornerback who was born and raised in Alaska and provides "stout" run support.

Chris Harris - Busch

Busch beer...it was that beer you used to drink a lot of back in the day and then one evening, you decided that you would move on to better, more "classy" beers because you felt like it was the mature thing to do.

But after a while, you realized that you actually made a mistake and that this new "fancy" beer was overrated and so you returned to the old reliable.

That is the Chris Harris story...

Al Afalava - Fire Rock

His name is Afalava.

The beer is Fire Rock.

They are both from Hawaii.

Ya'll can put two and two together.

Brad Maynard - Budweiser

King of Beers—King of Bears.

Maynard has arguably been the MVB (most valuable Bear) for a number of years and has been one of the Bears' most popular players over the past decade.

Budweiser has been the classic American beer and one of the most popular over the past century.

Robbie Gould - Samuel Adams Triple Bock

It has 17.5 percent alcohol...

Beer with a KICK!

Coach Lovie Smith - Arrogant Bastard Ale

I don't even need to explain this one...