Top 10 MMA Fighters Who Could Be the Next James Bond Villain (Satire)
Earlier this week, I already confessed that I was a degenerate gambler. Well, now I have another confession to make.
I have never, ever seen a James Bond movie.
My knowledge of James Bond begins and ends with the video game "Goldeneye" for the Nintendo 64.
So, when it came to compiling a list of MMA fighters who could be a James Bond villain, I had to do more homework than I have had to do for anything, including two thesis I wrote this year.
So which fighters would make good Bond villains? Check it out...
10. Cris Santos
What if Cris was really a Cyborg? Then that would also make her husband...
9. Evangelista Santos
...a cyborg too! That would equal a double dose of trouble for our beloved Bond.
The Cyborgs would be an unstoppable force, since bullets could not harm their metallic skeletons.
So how would James handle this dynamic duo?
I don't have any idea.
8. Alistair Overeem
Uberreem, with his never-ending increasing muscle mass, would put the Incredible Hulk or The Thing to shame.
Tearing down the Golden Gate bridge with his bare hands? No problem.
Taking down Mt. Everest with one swing of his fist? Maybe before he eats breakfast.
Ubereem could do all that while screaming "Godzilla ain't got s*** on me!" Bond may need to enlist the help of Bruce Wayne to help out with this one.
7. Nick Gaston
"On no! There goes New Mexico! Go Go Afrozilla!"
Is there any doubt that Nick's beautiful Afro could take on a life of its own?
Just imagine—"The Afro from Hell" growing larger and larger, engulfing anyone and anything that got in its way.
I'm sure Bond would have to have someone in the lab construct the world's largest electric clippers to keep this one under control.
6. Brock Lesnar
So, there is a genetic lab hidden somewhere deep in the French Alps that are creating super-human freaks.
Brock is just one of the products of the freakish experiments going on in these labs.
What if this lab were able to kick out hundreds of these genetic specimen a day?
A would filled of Brocks. I shutter at the thought.
Bond, save us!!
5. Keith Jardine
"The Dean of Mean"—That just sounds mean.
You know what would be really mean? What if Jardine were able to manufacture a gas that would mix with the carbon molecules in our atmosphere that would create rain that would kill hair on anything it touches?
A hairless society. that is a scary thought.
Please Bond, have your people make a remotely controlled suicide bombing Aston Martin to destroy the lab before we all look like Keith!
4. Jacare Souza
"I caught a fish this big!"
Just after this photo was taken, Jacare's hands turned into titanium spikes and impaled the photographer.
With that ability, this would make Jacare one tough foe for Bond to take down. What could be done about the titanium spikes that emerge from his hands at will?
Cut them off. Go Go Gadget Reciprocating Saw!
Oops. Wrong superhero.
3. Wanderlei Silva
The Ax-Murder, pictured here with Mini-Murder, is a ferocious, non-stop killing machine. Just like Chuck Norris, he kills first, asks questions later.
So how would Bond handle Wanderlei's non-stop thirst for blood?
He prays. Then he talks President Obama into dropping a few nuclear warheads on top of Silva's dome.
That might stop him for a few minutes.
2. Jason Miller
Now what did that poor frog ever do to "Mayhem" to deserve getting choked out?
Does it really matter? This madman will do whatever he wants to whoever he wants at any time.
If you ever have any doubts, just catch some re-runs of "Bully Beatdown" on MTV.
The sadistic oddball is just days away from controlling the Earth with his clan of Bully Beater-upers.
Bond's team better prepare the cloning machine and get about 1,000 more Bonds out there.
1. Krzysztof Soszynski
What if Krysztof really was a Polish Experiment?
What if, after 20 years, the Polish Government had armed Soszynski with machine guns in his hands, and with the push of a button, 17 "Peacekeeper" missiles came out of the back?
"Make one more Polish joke, you American pigs! We dare you!"
Yup, Bond would have his hands full with this one.