With the creation of WWE films a few years ago, wrestling has now been transformed from crappy segmented story lines into crappy 90 minute movies.
I am not saying that all movies featuring a wrestler as the main character are terrible, but there are definitely ones that take the cake.
Some are so bad that a brief description of the terribleness cannot do them justice.
But I will try...
Get your popcorn, have Mr. Nanny clean you a spot on the couch, and beware of mansized frogs as we take a look at 10 of the worst movies starring a wrestler.
We start our look at the best of the worst by saluting John Cena in his acting debut in The Marine.
I was actually excited about this one when it came out, thinking that it would be an action packed thrill ride with a decent story line. I was disappointed, to say the least.
Here is the plot line from imdb.com
"John Triton is a heroic Marine who returns home after being discharged, against his will, from the Iraq War.
"Stateside, he finds himself back in action, when a group of murderous diamond thieves on the run led by a merciless criminal named Rome has kidnapped his wife and John goes on a chase through the South Carolinian wilderness to retrieve her.
"With everything on the line, the Marine will stop at nothing to carry out his toughest and most important mission."
All I can say is that Cena's acting was far worse than his ring persona, and to believe that a ring of diamond thieves are in South Carolina is ridiculous.
As I will do with every movie on the list, I'll try to link the trailer below so you can see exactly how bad the flick looked.
Steve Austin should stick to guest roles in Chuck and Nash Bridges, because his movie roles have been in flicks that many never see, or never want to see.
His latest movie, Damage, had several quality fight scenes, which should come as no surprise. It's the plot lines that are ridiculous in this crapper.
Here's what IMDB says:
"An ex-con battles it out in the cage to pay for the operation that would save the daughter of his victim. Along the way he finds fatherly love, and friendship, in the most unlikely of places."
Sounds to me like Stone Cold needs a hug.
This was another one that disappointed. I guess just like the WWE writing, it makes little to no sense.
The first of two appearances on the countdown for the Hot Rod comes with the 1986 stinker Body Slam.
All I can say is cheesy acting by the guy from the A-team, poorly sequenced wrestling scenes, and rockin' wrestling make for a terrible 80's movie that just happens to have wrestlers in it.
Here's the IMDB scoop:
"M. Harry Smilac is a down-on-his-luck music manager who is having a hard time attracting talent and booking gigs for his band, Kicks (The most recent of the gigs is a Dairy Queen opening!!).
"When making arrangements for a campaign fund-raiser, he mistakes Rick Roberts, a professional wrestler, for a musician and hires him. At that moment he becomes a wrestling manager and starts to book matches for him and his teammate Tonga Tom.
"The team is a success, and Harry decides to take his wrestlers and his band on a "Rock n' Wrestling" tour. The tour is a success, and Harry feels what it is like to be a winner again."
The only thing that could have made this one worse is if Tonga Tom (AKA Rikishi) had given Tanya Roberts the Stinkface. Now that's how you get Pink Eye!
Trailer City: Woh, I mean entire movie
So back in 1993, when Hulkamania was trying to transition to the Hollywood thing full-time, he starred in this gem of a movie.
Mr. Nanny was perhaps a look at Hulk's future after wrestling, assuming he needed the $$$ and knew a famous inventor.
Here's what IMDB says:
"A friend persuades the former wrestling star Sean to do a job as bodyguard for the two kids of top manager Frank Mason - someone is threatening him to get the plans for a secret micro chip.
"But when Sean arrives at his house it turns out that he'll not only have to bodyguard the spoiled brats, but also be their nanny, since they again scared away their former one.
"From then on he's occupied more protecting himself from the kids than them from the villain."
Wow, and I thought No Holds Barred was bad!
And just in case you wanna see for yourself, or relive the magic, here's the trailer.
If you are a gamer from the 20th or 21st century, you have probably played doom. It was a quality game for its time and maybe if the movie based on the game had been made back in the late 90's, it wouldn't have been such a crapper.
Even Dwayne Johnson couldn't make this flick any better, as it just didn't seem to do the game any justice.
Here's what our friends at IMDB have decided to tell us about the plot:
"Based on the popular video game. In the not too distant future, humans have successfully colonized the planet Mars. Here scientists were experimenting on naturally occurring substances and using the colonizing humans as guinea pigs.
"The experiment went horribly wrong. Now, a group of marines and a scientist named Samantha Grimm are going to find out what happened. They teleport to Mars via a system known as the "Arch".
"What they find are gruesome monsters hell bent on death and destruction. Samantha's brother John is also one of the marines sent to Mars to help."
And here is the trailer so you can decide again for yourself.
You can pretty much sum up the end of WCW with this horrible wrestling flick starring half the WCW roster and David Arquette.
There's not much you can say about this movie that hasn't already been said. Too many ridiculous toilet humor jokes and a very stupid plot line.
IMDB, what do you say?
"Two dimwit sewage workers watch their hero, WCW wrestler Jimmy King, get screwed out of the World title by wrestler Diamond Dallas Page and evil WCW owner Titus Sinclair.
"They embark on a quest to help their hero win his title - and honor - back. Features cameos by lots of WCW wrestlers."
The trailer proves that dimwits wrote, acted, produced, and directed this piece of garbage.
We get our first softcore porn entry onto the list with Day of the Warrior, and no it isn't a spinoff of One Night in Chyna.
This softcore thriller starred none other than the American Male himself, Marcus "Buff" Bagwell.
The plot line is basically that some hot chics are out to stop the warrior, played by Buff. They are willing to do anything, including blowing everyone in sight.
Here's what IMDB has to say about Buff's porn debut.
"The Legion to Ensure Total Harmony and Law (L.E.T.H.A.L.), is tracking a criminal mastermind known only as The Warrior.
"While investigating his combination diamond smuggling/art theft/porn production industry, the agents discover that he has cracked their secret database and has stolen the files on all of their agents.
"With the help of their martial arts intructor Fu, agents Tiger, Willow and Cobra take on the case while also taking every opportunity to remove their bikini tops."
And here is the steamy trailer that may not be suitable for all ages.
Our next flick is a "B" movie classic. Hell Comes to Frogtown should pretty much sum up what the movie is about.
The Hot Rod plays Sam Hell, a futuristic soldier that is sent to Frogtown to save some chicks. If that doesn't make you wanna ebay it, I don't know what will?
Let's see what IMDB can add:
"Hell is the name of the hero of the story. He's a prisoner of the women who now run the USA after a nuclear/biological war. Results of the war are that mutants have evolved, and the human race is in danger of extinction due to infertility.
"Hell is given the task of helping in the rescue of a group of fertile women from the harem of the mutant leader (resembling a frog).
"Hell cannot escape since he has a bomb attached to his private parts which will detonate if he strays more than a few hundred yards from his guard."
Hell has also come to youtube, as seen here is the trailer link.
The first of our two Santa movies, this is by far the worst and maybe the dumbest move the Hulkster has made in his movie career.
IMDB sums it up as perfectly as I ever could:
"An evil millionaire (Hulk Hogan) gets amnesia and then believes that he is Santa Claus."
I guess the fact he believes he is Santa and has muscles made the writers say, "Holy crap! That's It! That's Our Title!"
Either way, here's the trailer to this Oscar nominee.
Oh, Bill Goldberg. You are Jewish! How can you play Santa in a movie that portrays him as a maniac out to kill as many people on Xmas as he can?
I guess like Shane McMahon's music says, "Money talks."
IMDB, what is this movie about?
"In the Christmas Eve of 2005, Santa Claus (Bill Goldberg) arrives in Hell Township killing the locals.
"The teenager Nicholas Yuleson (Douglas Smith) finds that his grandfather (Robert Culp) is actually an angel that defeated the devil's son in a bet, and the evil creature has spent the last one thousand years playing a good Santa Claus, giving toys to the children.
"Now that the bet is over, Santa Claus wants revenge. Nicholas and his girlfriend Mary Mackenzie (Emilie de Ravin) try to escape from the killer and find a way to stop him until the end of Christmas."
This is pure genius! I think the Billy Bob Thorton Santa ain't got nothing on Goldberg's version.
As a special treat, I found a link to the opening scene of the movie. Enjoy.
So that's my take on some of the worst. I am sure that there are some that probably should have made the list, but I will leave that up to you to tell me what I missed.
Also, feel free to paste links to the trailers so everyone else can see how crappy these misses were.
I will say honorable mentions could be any Roddy Piper or Hulk Hogan movie, The Gameplan, The Marine 2, that Ken Kennedy movie, and maybe even the Punisher with Kevin Nash.