SATIRE—Ok, there is something I must confess.
I am a degenerate gambler. If they're around, I can not resist the temptation of a blackjack or baccarat table. Generally, when I play those games, I leave the table with more money than I started with.
Sadly, the same can not be said about my ventures betting on MMA.
I placed my very first MMA bet on the Diego Sanchez-Karo Parisyan fight. I thought there was no way the inexperienced Sanchez could take out the more experienced and arguably more talented Parisyan.
The beating that ensued resulted in one of Karo's teeth flying into the fifth row.
Then when I was in Las Vegas to see Pride 33, I did a three-fight parlay on the Shogun-Overeem, Danzig-Sakurai, and Diaz-Gomi fights. I took Shogun, Sakurai, and Gomi thinking it was a pretty safe bet.
Mr. 4:20 just had to slap a gogoplata on Gomi.
On the same card, I thought that Wanderlei Silva would surely take out the naturally smaller Dan Henderson.
Henderson's left hand had other thoughts.
Most recently, I put some jack on Brett Rogers to beat Alistair Overeem. Seeing as how Uber-reem had been KO'ed by smaller fighters, I thought that the much larger Rogers would put Overeem in to la-la land.
The He-Man look-alike threw Rogers all round the cage before he pounded the stuffing out of him.
But when I place my bets on UFC 116, I'm going to turn everything around.
For this experiment, I'm going to take $1,000 (in Monopoly money; I just had to buy yet another laptop), place my bets, and come out a big winner!
For those who are not familiar with how betting lines work, I'll break it down for you.
If a fighter has a number like -250 by their name, that means they are the favorite. In this particular case, you would have to bet $250 in order to win $100, which would end up being a total payout of $350
On the other hand, the underdog will have a number by their name like +125. In this case, if you bet $100, your total payout would be $225.
Make sense? Good. Now let's see the lines that are posted on one of the many offshore betting sites.
Krzysztof Soszynski (-250) vs. Stephan Bonnar (+190)
I'm liking Soszynski in this fight. Everyone knows that the amount of tattoos you have expedentially increases your toughness.
With both his arms sleeved out and a nice back-piece, Krzysztof is 672 percent tougher than Bonnar. I'm going to place $100 on Soszynski, as I feel his tattooed-fueled toughness will discourage the "American Psycho" and make me $40 richer.
Brendan Schaub (-300) vs. Chris Tuchscherer (+240)
Just looking at their records, Tuchscherer has more experience and has faced the better opposition. Seeing as I really don't know much about either of these fighters, I'm going to go out on a limb and take the underdog for $150 for a total payout of a whopping $510!
Goran Reljic (-160) vs. Kendall Grove (+130)
Grove has been knocked out five times. In Reljic's UFC debut, he knocked out Wilson Gouveia at Light Heavyweight.
However, I have a friend in Tampa who is friends with Kendall, and I don't want him getting mad at me for betting against his boy. Also, you can't forget that Grove's tattoo collection is getting larger and larger, which as I mentioned earlier makes him 348 percent tougher.
I'm going to put $200 on Grove for a payout of $460
Yoshihiro Akiyama (-215) vs. Chris Leben (+175)
Even though we all know Leben is going to be coming in to this fight in shape as he just fought a month ago, this is an easy fight to pick.
Does anyone think that "Sexyama" is going to take the chance of becoming "Uglyama" thanks to Leben's crushing punching power?
I'm going to put $250 on Akiyama, which will have a payout of $471.14.
Brock Lesnar (-150) vs. Shane Carwin (+120) for the UFC Heavyweight Championship
I think this will only be the first time in his career that Lesnar has fought someone his size. However, there are two big factors that will come in to play in this fight.
First, Carwin can punch—Lesnar clubs.
Now I can not confirm this, but I heard from someone who is in-the-know that Carwin defeated Lesnar twice when they wrestled in college.
Equal size plus punching power plus wrestling advantage makes throwing the rest of my jack on Carwin a no-brainer. $300 on Carwin for a total payday of $660.
So there you have it. Jason the Greek has made his infallible picks. Should they all come through, my fictitious $1,000 will turn in to a very nice $1831.14.
Now go bet against all my bets and make some real money.