No true and complete list of suspects for an attack on The Undertaker could be complete without a mention of Paul Bearer, his spooky and ghoulish former manager. Ohhh yyyes!
However, as this list is neither complete, nor true, I figured I'd leave him ensconced in his cement filled crypt, for the time being.
So without further delay I offer you the first alternative suspect.
Theodore Marvin "Ted" DiBiase, Jr.
I initially wrote his name out in full, so that I could point out that it's Theodore. And it's long. Then make a lame joke about the current SmackDown! general manager. Then I had visions of Vickie Guerrero entering the room saying "EXCUSE ME!" and telling me I couldn't do that. I really couldn't face the thought of Vickie in my house.
Anyway, why is Ted a suspect?
Obviously, because of his father, "The Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase.
Cast your mind back to 1994. At the Royal Rumble, Yokozuna had sealed The Undertaker in a casket with the assistance of several other wrestlers, after winning a casket match.
Shortly after, saying that he had originally brought the Undertaker to the WWF, and he was going to bring him back, DiBiase debuted a new Undertaker under his control.
This lead to a feud between the real Undertaker, and the fake Undertaker. This spilled into a feud with DiBiase's Million Dollar Corporation, which culminated in a casket match at SummerSlam.
Several weeks later, The Undertaker injured his orbital bone near his eye, forcing a period of absence for surgery, until his return at Survivor Series.
Does Ted Jr. want to finish the feud?
Is it a coincidence that once again the Undertaker has been afflicted with an injured orbital bone?
Our second suspect is David Crockett, son of Jim Crockett and brother to Jim Crockett, Jr.
For those sitting there staring at the screen going "huh?" Jim Crockett, Jr. was a former professional wrestling promoter and the owner of the now defunct National Wrestling Alliance (NWA)'s Jim Crockett Promotions.
This is significant, why?
It was Jim Crockett Promotions that became WCW, the bitter rivals of WWE.
There we have a motive, but would David really stoop to such levels?
Is he capable of rendering a fearless monster into a vegetative state?
History tells us the answer to that.
The year was 1993, and the event was Clash of the Champions XXIV, live from the Ocean Center, Daytona Beach, Florida.
Sting, Dustin Rhodes, and Davey Boy Smith were booked with a mystery partner in an upcoming eight-man tag match against a heel team composed of Sid Vicious, Big Van Vader, and Harlem Heat at Fall Brawl.
Then, on "A Flair for the Gold," Sting and Smith were confronted by Sid and Harlem Heat, demanding to know the identity of their new partner.
Sting exclaimed, "All I can say is, he is going to 'shock' the world, because he is none other than... The Shockmaster!!".
The camera zoomed in on a wall where two torches set off a small pyrotechnics explosion. Then, bursting through the wall, in perhaps the most humiliating moment in wrestling history, came the Shockmaster. He tripped over a piece of lumber that was framing the set, causing his helmet to fall off and slide across the floor.
The incident was compounded by audio of Smith muttering that he "fell on his fucking arse!" which was heard on the live broadcast.
And the man responsible?
That's right, David Crockett!
The piece of lumber hadn't been there during a successful practice run and it was later put there by David Crockett without informing the Shockmaster!
Accident or sabotage?
The Big Show
But he's face, I hear you cry!
Maybe he is, but he's a big man, who can keep a big grudge!
So why would the Big Show perpetrate such a diabolical act?
For this one we have to go back to the 1991 Royal Rumble. Scheduled to appear that year was none other than the behemoth André the Giant. However, he never appeared. Instead a young Undertaker appeared in the battle royal.
Three years later, on WCW, a young wrestler introduced himself as The Giant. He claimed to be the son of André the Giant. The Giant announced that he blamed Hulk Hogan for the death of his father and began a feud with him.
This Giant was none other than The Big Show.
The question is, is he still on a mission of revenge?
Having jumped to the WWE in 1999, has he been biding his time? Stalking the Undertaker, the man he feels responsible for robbing André the Giant of his place in that fateful 1991 Royal Rumble?
SES and Kane?
It depends which Kane you are talking about. Real Kane or impostor Kane!?
In 2005, Kane began to hear voices in his head. Sort of like Randy Orton, except that these voices emanated from a real entity. Another Kane, a masked Kane, dressed as Kane had been, when he first appeared.
Eventually the two Kane's feuded, culminating in a final appearance on a June 26 episode of Raw. Kane threw the impostor out of the arena.
Who was that Kane? Where did he go?
Well that Kane was none other than Luke Gallows. He's still right there, in the heart of the WWE Universe. He is now aligned with CM Punk and the SES.
Is Gallows guilty of continuing the feud, with Kane's brother merely an innocent victim, of a cruel and diabolical vendetta?
Can there ever be a bigger suspect than the Uber-Monster of WWE?
He's been there, he's done everything.
He's green, he's mean, he's the former Cruiserweight Champion. A man who has feuded with the best of them, and bested them.
The motive is obvious. The former DX member, and worlds strongest Leprechaun felt he was being denied a clear run at gold he snapped. Anger overcame him. He sought out the Undertaker and attacked him with a ruthless barrage of blows, beating him into a vegetative state.
My only problem with this suspect is would Hornswoggle have stopped when he did?
Surely this man's might is such that a far worse fate would have befallen the Undertaker. Had the mean green fighting machines inner rage been truly unleashed?
Suspect or not?
Well, that leaves us one last suspect.
This is WWE we're talking about. We should always expect the unexpected, the incomprehensible, and a cameo appearance from a former star!
Who fits the bill? Who is the man we don't suspect? Which former star capable of such a deed, but with no logical reason to carry it out?
He's done it before. Why shouldn't he have done it again?
Yes, I'm talking about none other than Rikishi.
He was the man who ran over Stone Cold Steve Austin at Survivor Series. Why shouldn't he be the man who felled the Undertaker?
The planets have aligned. The suspects have been named. I've written a far too long article, and you're bored. All that is left is for me to point you to the poll and ask you to vote for your favorite suspect.
And if you can't find the poll, it's because I really couldn't be bothered to make one.
Just think of it as Paul Austin's version of a WWE viewers choice. Your vote wouldn't have mattered anyway.