I wasn’t really sure what to expect from my interview with Wise LeBron, probably best known these days for his role in LeBron James’ Nike ads of the past three years.
However, I needed to do a serious editorial on someone who had retired from an actual sport, and my giving up badminton due to having torn my rotator cuff (while absolutely destroying my 85-year-old grandmother on July 4, by the way) didn’t seem terribly interesting—even to me.
While most NBA fans will remember that Wise posted a quadruple-double in a high school state championship game—he tallied 35 points, 15 rebounds, 12 assists…and 12 blocks—many don’t realize that Wise also dazzled ABA fans as a 50-something two-guard for the Kentucky Colonels from 1968-1976.
To this day, Wise is the only AARP member to compete at such a high level of basketball, for such a long period of time.
We met at the home of LeBron James, who was gracious enough to allow me and “Pops” to chat while he mini-camps in Las Vegas in preparation for the Olympics.
GA: Thanks for meeting me today, Wise.
WL: No problem. LeBron’s out there in Las Vegas, so I don’t have nothin' goin' on.
GA: Let’s just hope his game doesn’t stay in Vegas, right?
WL: What in h-e-double-hockey-sticks are you talkin’ about, boy?
GA: Uh…forget it. So I’m doing this article about retirement and when someone should retire…
WL: Son, you don’t never retire! Never! I’m just as good in my 80s as I was in my 50s.
GA: Now, Wise, I think we all remember that dunk you clanged in that ad a couple of years ago…
WL: [Expletive] producers! They didn’t show you the 19 stone cold flushes I delivered. I even threw down on that Jheri Curl Business—hoity-toity pansy. They only put in the last one...the one I bricked.
GA: You had quite a career in the ABA. Quite a long career, that is.
WL: What’s that supposed to mean, Fatty?
GA: Wha…huh?
WL: I’ve seen your scouting report, Dough Boy. You think you’re some kind of fancy joke maker, don’t you? Well, not here, home slice. I remember we was playin’ the Carolina Cougars and Artis Gilmore went down. Who’d they ask to come in and bail their sorry a-double-dollar-signs out? They called on Wise.
GA: Really? I didn’t come across that in my research…
WL: Of course you didn’t, Mister Smarty Pants! I came in during the third quarter and had 39 points, 18 rebounds, 14 assists…and 14 blocks. That’s a quadruple-double. That’s some numbers.
GA: Did you win the game?
WL: Well, no.
GA: If you were so good, why didn’t you play more than 2.3 minutes per game during your career?
WL: The League was scared of my skills.
GA: Well, back to our discussion of retirement. So you retired when the Colonels folded up in 1976…
WL: NO! I DID NOT RETIRE!
GA: Excuse me?
WL: I never retired. I never filed retirement papers with the league.
GA: The league disbanded…
WL: How’s that ol' Wise’s fault? That’s on them.
GA: So you’d still be available if the NBA came calling?
WL: Dad-gum straight, Four Eyes.
GA: LeBron’s been struggling with his supporting cast. Do you think you could dust off the Chuck Taylors and help bring a title to Cleveland?
WL: I worked out for their brass. I worked out for that Ferry…is his name Danny? He said not to call him, he would call me. I bought a cell phone so I could take that call. Should be anytime...
GA: What do you think about the guys that do retire—
WL: Soft, soft, soft.
GA: No, I…I didn’t finish the question. If a guy thinks he should retire, when should he do it?
WL: When he thinks it.
GA: No, I mean should he retire when he’s at the peak of his game? After he wins a title? After he attempts to defend a title? When his passion for the game is gone? When his skills regress? If he can’t decide to retire, retires anyway, changes his mind and demands an outright release or trade…when?
WL: Hey, Captain Earwax, CAN YOU HEAR ME? I said when he thinks it.
GA: You know, that’s great, I think we’re gonna go with that. When do you think LeBron James will retire?
WL: LeBron James will know when to retire.
GA: But how will he know when to retire?
WL: He’ll stop breathing.
GA: What do you think of Jackie Moon?
WL: That boy couldn’t sing or play basketball. Pure stinker.
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