Jesus Christ, The Messiah, Has Returned! (Satire)

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Jesus Christ, The Messiah, Has Returned! (Satire)
Al Messerschmidt/Getty Images

On Wednesday, June 16, Jesus Christ rose again!

Christ's 1,977-year absence has been laid to rest.

He was spotted rising in Pittsburgh, in the form of baseball player Pedro Alvarez. 

Christ's disguise may have fooled many, but not Pittsburgh Pirate fans—a strong and devout group of Catholics.

When Christ came to his first at bat, he received a standing ovation from the fans that decided to come watch the Pirates lose their 10th consecutive game.

The Pittsburgh media, upon hearing that Christ would be called up from the minors, asked God the ever-looming question: why the Pirates?

God's spokesman had this to say.

"The Pirates are a struggling team. The fans have prayed for nearly 18 years that the team will have at least one winning season in their lifetime. God decided that he will give his only son to the worst team in the MLB. He was deciding between the Pirates and the Nationals, but the Nationals broke one of the 10 Commandments by becoming polytheists and worshiping false prophets (Bryce Harper and Stephen Strasburg)."

Most enthusiastic, however, were his disciples Neil Walker and Jose Tabata, who were both ecstatic at his arrival.

"He's great," said Walker. "He's going to be the future of the team, and will lead us to salvation."

Alvarez even has his own sports drink: Jesus Juice: King of the Juice.

However, some are pessimistic about Christ's return.

Indians outfielder Pedro Cerrano has apparently decided that Jesus Christ cannot hit a curveball, and therefore won't be any good in the MLB.

"I ask Jo-bu to come, take fear from bats. I offer him cigar, rum. He will come. He help Pedro hit curveball."

Pirates manager John Russell decided to take time to comment on the situation.

"I'm really glad we have the opportunity to be graced by The Messiah's presence."

Pirates Andrew McCutchen and Ryan Doumit both explained how Alvarez isn't under any pressure.

"He cured the blind and sick. If he can handle that pressure, being king of the Jews, he can handle playing for the last-place Pirates."

When asked what he thought, principal owner Bob Nutting had this to say.

"He's a good fit for the team. Of course once he plays through his contract, we'll have to get rid of him. Standings? The only standings I care about is the payroll list. We might be last in the win-loss column, but the standings that count is payroll. If you're last, you're making money. Remember that kids."

 

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