NASCAR vs. the Vuvuzela and Other Sporting Annoyances
As a NASCAR fan, I understand that we are not immune to participating in annoying behavior at the track. We got our over-inbibers, mullet wearing shirtless beer bellies, redneck fist fights, and the dudes who point at their driver on every single lap giving them the “let’s go” roundup with their hands.
But the sheer sound of the engines wailing from 43 stock cars racing around the track certainly does distract from “the usual” annoying fan behavior that is commonplace in other sporting venues.
Take those South African vuvuzelas, the buzzing sound that emits from those plastic horns has made as many headlines as the 2010 FIFA World Cup itself.
While it is a cultural thing and are “essential to an authentic South African football experience,” you have to admit, the sound of a large hornet’s nest buzzing over the airwaves can become a bit tiresome.
To say the least.
The beauty of being a NASCAR fan is that there isn’t much room for distracting sounds and other extracurricular activities.
Because we are already deafened by the sound of 130 decibels expelled by a field of cars at full throttle.
We Don't Need More Cowbell!
Despite being banned from most sporting events, the cowbell still makes an underground appearance, just ask Mississippi State University fans who manage to smuggle in cowbells by the thousands during the Southeastern Conference.
They are rung vigorously during world-wide skiing events, certain arena football games, baseball games and hockey matches.
Fans such as the Tampa Bay Rays are prompted by the stadium scoreboard to produce "More Cowbell!!" during events, and Alaska Aces hockey fans are actually encouraged to ring their cowbells inside Sullivan Stadium, so much so that a well-known "Cowbell Crew" is alive and thriving in Anchorage.
Don't even think about bringing your stinking cowbells to a NASCAR race, give us a good mullet and a crank of the engine and we'll drown you and your dumb blue afro wig out every time!
Air Horns Blow!
Utilizing an aerosol spray as it's air source, the "personal" air horn can be heard during many a sporting event.
Despite it's portable size, it can pack a real punch by radiating an extremely loud and obnoxious honk.
This tool of the devil is often blasted during quiet times, as in a golf match right as an unsuspecting player is coming down with their swing.
Alright, I admit the image of a prankster distracting say, Tiger Woods in this manner does make me laugh a little, but would never work at a NASCAR race as there is rarely a quiet moment.
Try that on someone like Jimmy Spencer and your are going to get an unapologetic fist bump to your face.
Thunder? We've Got You're Thunder!
ThunderStix, sometimes known as CheerStix, Bam-Bams, AirStix or Bangers are ridiculously insufferable by any name.
The sticks, made up of two inflatable plastic batons are meant to be banged together during sporting events.
The air chambers help to amplify the sound when stuck against one another.
Fans seated behind basketball nets or football goals often wave them wildly in hopes of distracting their opponents.
While the sound of hundreds of ThunderStix banging in unison can be deafening, they don't come close to the thunder of a revved up stock car.
When hand clapping just isn't enough, fans regularly resort to the Clacker. It consists of two plastic, metal or wooden free floating "clackers," attached to a handle.
When shaken, the clackers, often shaped in the form of a common sport symbol, emanates a horrible thwacking sound.
I don't know about you, but after a full day of tailgating, I already have an intoxicating self-induced thwacking sound rattling around in my brain, the last thing I need is some overly indulgent fan adding to my experience.
Rally a Little of This, Drink a Little of That
The Rally Horn, or Viking Beer Bong as it is know in some circles, is nothing more than a fancy vuvuzela.
Authentic horns are made from genuine cow horns and emit a trumpeting sound from days of yore, but plastic replicas are wildly accepted in major sporting events.
The only "good" thing about this contraption is that in a pinch, it acts as a sort of Medieval beer bong.
The bad news is, the drunker one gets, the more inclined they are to absentmindedly toot away on this thing.
Good rule of thumb, if the stock cars don't come equipped with a horn, neither should the fans.
Kiss This Goodbye!
When the members of Steam wrote and recorded this back in 1969, I'm sure they had no idea the impact the song would have on the sporting world.
The lyrics "Na Na Na Na, Na Na Na Na, Hey Hey, Goodbye," are frequently chanted by crowds at the end of some sporting events to insult the losing team or after strike outs at a Major League Baseball game.
You don't hear NASCAR fans crooning this ditty every time a driver goes into the wall. Why?
Because they wouldn't hear us even if we did.
Hey Batter Batter Batter...Oh Just Shut Up!
Ah, yet another glorious chant that happens at baseball games the world over.
Seems like stating the obvious if you ask me.
What could we NASCAR fans chant that would be comparable?
"Hey driver driver driver, turn left, driver!"
Another sporting phenomenon is the dancing of the Y.M.C.A. during breaks in the action, giving fans the opportunity "to stretch" or just look plain stupid.
Look, we NASCAR fans don't need any help, we can do stupid all on our own thank you very much!
Have you never seen a mullet bearing, no shirt wearing, farmer tan having, Pabst Blue Ribbon drinking redneck on race day?
Come on now, we got you all beat, hands down, once again!
Real Men of Genius: Here's to You
There are few things more irritating than someone chatting it up loudly with their bud on a cellphone in close proximity to you.
It is even more aggravating when you are at a major league sporting event!
Unless you are a Hollywood actor, you should never even consider this.
It is almost as annoying as Kevin James and Adam Sandler delivering a command to start engines!
I Rest My Case
Hilarious...yes, practical at the track...absolutely not!
While I have seen first hand some uncalled for nakedness during a solid day of tailgaiting in the infield and even some gratuitous flashing in the stands, this kind of behavior would never work out on the track.
Forget outrunning event security, you've got cars traveling upward of 200 MPH to contend with. You'd end up an insignificant splat on a tear-off windshield during a yellow flag pit stop.
Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places
You and your girlfriend are huge sports fans and you want to pop the question. Why ask for her hand in marriage over dinner when you can do it on the scoreboard at a sporting event?
While some may find this romantic, I find it to be a bit ostentatious and I revel in delight when the girl says "no" on national television, but hey, that's just me.
I can't say that I look at the giant JumboTron that often at the races, you wanna get my attention? Put the proposal on the hood of Tony Stewart's car!
I might think for the moment that it is Stewart himself proposing, but in all that confusion you'll at least get an enthusiastic "yes" for the ESPN highlights!
Lalalalalala...I Can't Hear You!
So, to all the other sports fans out there, don't talk to me about your gimmicks and your noisemakers, because I can't hear you!
Just give us NASCAR fans a little horsepower and some earplugs and we're good to go!