World Cup 2010: First Match Analysis for all 32 Squads

Welcome to the second week of the FIFA World Cup!

Yes, the greatest tournament in the world had started again, and some things have popped up to me. First off, it's anyone's cup XD. Now more so than ever. For there are in history only a few World Cup winners compared to all the World Cups past, and well it's time for some new blood eh?

As the second match of South Africa gets under way, I wanted to make my analysis of the upcoming World Cup team by team. I wanted to say my favorites, and well who should be worried.

I will also be using a lot of American lingo for my casual fans. =)

Anyhow, I use a simple grading system based on the Grade School System.

A- Very Impressive
B- Impressive
C- "They were who we thought they were!"
D- Unimpressive
F- PANTS ON THE GROUND!

and my extremes. =)

A+ - Roof is on fire/Clear Favorites! =D

and

F- - Let's all bow our heads for the National Day of Mourning for the respective Country.

So anyhow Let's begin with Group A and continue from there =).

Group A: Mexico

Grade= Impressive.

By the way, the Mexican Unis are my personal favorite. Nothing says ready for battle like Aztec Black.

Anyhow, the opening match went off with a bang. Chivas International...I mean Mexico and South Africa went for a beautifully crafted tie while neither team let up. This is supposed to be the greatest Mexican team ever, though really is that saying much? Anyhow I like these new Mexicans...they're actually athletic!

Santos looks like someone who can push far into this tournament, and after watching France and Uruguay, I think right now they seem poised to leave this group with the next team.

South Africa

Grade= Very Impressive (Unimpressive at all against Uruguay)

So ok, Bafana Bafana sold me. xD

They play with a kind of spunk and fire that you don't see much in this more technical World Cup. They're also a lot more quick and athletic in what seems like a Cup poised for an African emergence.

Also they committed my favorite goal of the tourney, the magical gazelle kick of Tshbalalala...la? Still, guy with the really cool name.

So South Africa impressed me, I will watch them aim to shut down Diego Forlan, I will have a committed view for them if they can stop the man.

Really though, they have to cut down on stupid penalties that result in Yellow cards.

Also did I mention home-field advantage? XD

Well...Uruguay did just score...early though.

(Did I mention stupid penalties?)

3-0. Yeah.

Uruguay

Grade= Unimpressive (2nd match= VERY IMPRESSIVE)

So the Fighting Forlan's! I mean, Uruguay played a disastrous, ugly, disgusting match against France...and tied. They were unable to defeat a supposedly demoralized, distraught, suffering French squad with one of the best up-and-commers in the World in Diego Forlan.

Really that's all I can say. There was a sense of not wanting to fail, but there was also a sense of just laziness and ineptitude that happens to teams like this. You can't win of just Forlan alone, but really who had Uruguay doing much anyways? (Outside of Uruguay)

Though they got a lead now on Bafana...so this grade might rise.

Ok 2-0...Forlan is beast. That is all XD

3-0. Ok first game unimpressive...this game...o.o Christ.

They really didn't want to loose.

France

Grade= Pants on the GROUND

THE VUVUZUELAS MADE US SUUUCKKK! IT WAS ALLL THE VUVUZUELAASS! NOT THAT WE COULDN'T MOVE THE BALLL OR PLAYED LAZY AND SCARED AND FEELING THAT WE WOULD WALK AWAY WITH THIS GROUP BECAUSE...BECAUSE LIKE ALL OF EUROPE WE THINK WE'RE BETTER THAN WEEE AREEE...NNOOOOO IT WAS ALL THE VUVUZUELLAASSSS! BAN THEM FIFAAAA!

Basically this is ALL I heard from France after their tie with Uruguay. Like really? Vuvuzuelas? They're horns and they hum. Don't you play in Europe? In Europe it's a million times worse! They have air horns, and fights, and drunks, and people getting killed! Yes, the Vuvuzuelas made you suck! Of course, because your a mediocre French squad with no leadership other than your aging star in Henry, and a whiny brat in Ribery.

Face it, your not the France of Zidane. Heck, your not the France of 1998! You are just a weaker French squad in a pretty decent group who failed to show up because you know the Parisian media would destroy you if you had lost to Uruguay. You played to draw, and that is all. So you got a draw. Quit whining! That is why your pants are on the ground. No class, balls, responsibility, or care, or simply that they feel bigger than themselves, that their glaring weakness of poor leadership and ability to tear em asunder with any good defense like the press everyone seems to like.

France, your pants are on the ground and if you loose to Mexico I can guarantee you that you will not get past the Round-Robin.

Also yes, I like the Vuvuzuelas, they add something to it. It feels like war, and are no better than the thousands of other horns at every sporting event ever. Heck the air horns at my graduation were worse. XD

Group B: South Korea

Grade= Very Impressive

What can I say? 2-0. In what is going to be known as the World Cup of parity too. There could be two reasons for this.

Either it's that South Korea's organization is that good.

Orrr

That Greece played lazy, and possibly drunk, and South Korea dismantled a lazy Greek team and put two goals in their mouth before they could get more wine.

Anyhow, depending on their next matches I may raise this grade. Right now, I'm a little wary because in fact the Greek team did look like they were drunk, or at least had a hangover.

Man Vuvuzuelas must suck with a hangover.

Greece

Grade= Pants are ON THE GROUND...almost a National Day of Mourning in Greece

...Maybe that's why they played so poorly. Gekas looked like he was holding that in for a while. Just the fact of the Korean guy makes me think they all had bad hummus.

Kidding aside...Wow. Just...wow. Lazy, Sloppy, Terrible...Absolutely terrible. Greece looks like a punching bag right now and the only reason they are not lower is because I like to believe that their team was in fact drunk before this.

Argentina

Grade: THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!

This isn't bad. Just that the Mighty Messi's, I mean Argentina played like well...Argentina.

They didn't impress me, all they showed me is that if you have a good goalkeeper you can shut down Messi, and the rest of the team follows. Isn't that how it usually goes anyways? Though shout-out for short people! =)

Messi is 5'7'' and is a ghost on the field. He appeared a couple of times and shot an unworldly 8 times on goal, yet nothing banked in continuing his dry spell for the last few matches.

Really all this did was show a disciplined Argentina squad who can do well, and could probably win this group outright. Though I kind of want to see Messi at least you know, shoot into the net.

Maybe it's the fact they got their girls in their rooms? XD Distracted Argentinians...pfft XD.

Nigeria

Grade= Unimpressive
Vincent Enyeama= Very Impressive...Very, Very Impressive.

Nigeria= They played sloppy and looked outworked by a less-athletic Argentina squad. They couldn't shoot, and they were frozen in place by a far more organized Argentina squad.

Though enough about them...Vincent Enyeama just got himself a huge pay-raise.

When you can officially take out the kid who is considered the best in the world out of a game, you had an amazing game. He shut down the Prodigal Son! He shut down Maradona Jr.! If it wasn't for him, Messi would have had a hat trick for sure. Any other keeper would have backed down, but props dude, you just won yourself a huge European contract because they'll want you every time Barcelona comes by knocking. So yes I am high on this guy, especially in a World Cup of poor goal tending. So kudos, sucks your team sucks.

Once again, one guy can't lead a team, and he is also not higher simply because he let a goal occur.

Group C: England

Grade= Pants ON THE THE GROUND!

Hehe, Sorry England. You guys have been gushing on this for so long that I thought I should show you it over and over again. Just for the sake of poor sportsmanship on their part, let me be a lil' devil =).

Ok England. You are an above-average squad with a delusion that you are better than you are. Basically I think the only player you have that is worth it is Wayne Rooney, who was completely shut down. England played frustrated after this goal and lost their groove and went too aggressive to the point that your defenders are holding yellow cards into the next round.

Also, just for fun. Lemme teach you about physics, even though the theory was invented in your country. You see Kinetic Energy is what is powering a ball as a force is acted on it. That ball was going at him at 100 mph. He hit it with his hands but lost control because of the heat. When you are on the floor like that, it is impossible to maintain your body.

So he doesn't deserve that effigy on London Square. Though wait he does, because he was pretty close to letting the Yanks score another if it didn't hit the crossbar that he better kiss after this is all said and done.

Though really, Goalkeeping has always been the Achilles Heel. That is why England has only won one World Cup. They have never ever ever had a really top Goalkeeper and teams eventually figure out and eventually barrage England on the goal and wipe them out of existence. So now you got more issues there, and now everyone knows that to beat England, you just gotta hit Robert Green in the hands.

England is a wonderful over-hyped machine isn't it?

Enjoy! =)

USA

Grade- Impressive

Yay! In my heart they win this. Though my mind says otherwise. Ok let's just start with just admitting that Tim Howard is just a BAMF and move on. I think if the United States wants to sell Soccer to the masses, they just have to show the image of Tim Howard getting a cleat planted into his chest. Then getting up and telling everyone he's cool. Then go on and make a few crucial saves and just looked like a Beast.

That's Soccer America, when you can get the living hell beat out of you and then you can get up. It reminds me of the ads from a few years ago with Dwayne Wade:

Fall down seven times,

Get up eight.

Kinda sums up Tim Howard.

He is playing Friday too. So anyhow, beyond excellent goal-tending, The United States showed something else. This is a team that beat Spain and took Brazil to the wire by the way (albeit both teams are way over-hyped). Well, what they showed was a tenacity, and a will to play. They played fearless. Sure they had jitters early, but they adjusted and scored right back. As well they crafted a beautiful second half defensively, and I expect great things from this team based on their defensive efforts. Especially in that they completely shut down Wayne Rooney.

Slovenia

Grade= Unimpressive

Okay I like their unis too. They are also albeit very, very tall, the smallest team in this World Cup. They play strong and act strong, but the big thing is that they really didn't show much. They scored a goal after a weak Algeria team lost a player to a red card. So really, all they did was play mediocre until they got a goal. That won't equal wins later on and I don't see much after, albeit they have three points.

Algeria

Grade= Unimpressive.

They beat Egypt to get here, yet all they got is this silly picture.

That's really all that you need to know about Algeria. They are a very scrappy, unimpressive group of guys that need better communication and control of anger, or their game will end quickly. I really don't see much for them at all. Though no one did other than in Algeria, so thus the grade.

Group D: Germany

Grade= Very Impressive...fringe Fire XD

Well...what can I say. 4-0 says it all XD

The only game in which there were more than...2 goals. I can't say that I'm scared but the thing with Germany that doesn't make them the clear favorite is that half those goals came after Australia's best player went out with a Red Card and they went after it.

Let's see the next game and then we can put the crown on Germany. No one else looks like they can touch them right now. So here its, the mental favorite!

Did I also mention their best player is injured? Sheesh.

Australia

Grade= Who We Thought They Were...sadly.

I feel bad for Australia. I really do. Look at the picture, it's almost like he's asking for help. They have the coolest nickname in the Socceroo's but that would not come to help them, especially now. Tim Cahill, their best player, got a red card and is out of the next game. Australia is sunk.

Though really, there wasn't a lot of pressure on them, but it's still sad. I wish well for the Socceroo's, and they put some heart to it, even when the German's were outclassing them at every moment. Though at least they know now. Germany is a beast when you can't control them.

Serbia

Grade= Pants on the Ground.

Another one player team, destroyed. Dicic or however it's spelled, number 15 is probably Serbia's best player and the Black Stars shut him down.

I won't be a tape recorder, but just watch the game. Serbia played slow and Ghana took them to school. Now that Divic...Dilic...whatever...now that he has a yellow card, it just becomes harder for Serbia here on out. Plus, don't handball in the penalty box. Stupid penalties create stupid problems.

Ghana

Grade= Very Impressive

Ghana played incredibly well against Serbia. Too well in fact that I really want to see their game against Germany. They played fast and tenacious and fought for every ball. I will know Germany's chances when I see them against the Black Stars, because they look like the number two team in the Africa at the moment. They just have a lot of speed and ability to break that it might give Germany a run for their money.

Group E: Holland

Grade= Who we thought they were.

Okay, I also love the Dutch Unis.

Anyhow XD. The dutch are the dutch which usually means that they will choke at some at some point. They played very well against Denmark, but one of those goals was on a stupid error by Denmark. Really my jury is out on them. They seem like they can do well, but just something's off. They play good defense though, but that's what we have come to expect from the Dutch.

Japan

Grade= Impressive

Okay, Other than Tshabalalalalalalalalalalala...the other coolest goal scorer name was Japan's Honda. A player with some good speed and mileage who can kick like a horse. Okay enough with the car jokes.

Japan broke out of a hard slump against Cameroon and showed a tactical efficiency that makes me really want to see them go further. Though For right now, they are just an impressive Japanese squad, against a slopy, scared Cameroon squad.

Cameroon

Grade= Unimpressive.

Really, other than Eto'o, Cameroon is a below decent squad. Japan slowed him down, and it showed. They played scared, sloppy, and hard. They could hit hard, but it was all a little too late.

I see Cameroon suffering the same fate in what seems to be the weakest group in this year's World Cup.

Denmark

Grade= Pants on the Ground.

Own Goal= 'nuff said.

They couldn't get over it. That killed them, and it will kill them in this tournament, especially with a seemingly tactical Japan squad.

Group F: Italy

Grade= Unimpressive.

Canavarrooooooo. Sorry, but let's go now with our defending champs. Italy came here with the best defensive player in the cup and an ache for another World Cup, with the title of favorites.

Let's just forget that they almost got knocked out of qualifiers. They're Italy.

Also they are the nation that created my national day of mourning grade, so they have to be good.

Anyhow, Italy played shocked and scared at first, then came back with a fury. Though a weak start is still a weak start, and Italy is infamous for that. All this game showed was that you just have to take out Italy early and you got it. They'll advance, but not far for sure. That slow start and weak offense will kill them.

Paraguay

Grade= Impressive

Paraguay showed us what happens when you have a potent offense, and a mediocre defense. Paraguay jumped early and showed the world how to beat Italy. That was about it.

Their defense would fail them in the second half, though it will be enough to go on ahead in this very weak group. Let's just see how far they go before we have further judgment.

Slovakia

Grade= Unimpressive

Okay, really who thought these guys were going to do anything in this group other than in Slovakia? Well anyhow, they did alright. Not great but alright. They did what they had to do except that they got lazy at the end.

You were supposed to beat New Zealand. They are supposed to be the worst team here. Then you let them score!?

Next.

New Zealand

Grade= Impressive.

In that, they actually got a point and a draw. Yep. Other than that, they played slow, weak, and poor defensively. I fear for them when they play Italy and Paraguay, with even their faults they should wipe them off the stage.

Though give them props, they got a goal. =)

Also it's the biggest moment in soccer history for New Zealand. I think for special occasions, like goals that mean a whole lot. World Cup winners, first evers, stuff like that. Those goals you shouldn't give the kid a yellow card. It's the sport, and it isn't taunting. He is just living the moment and it's no more harmful than a fist bump. It's just the excitement of becoming the legend of your country forevermore.

Group G: Ivory Coast

Grade= Very Impressive...a favorite for sure. =)

The Ivory Coast impressed me. They took Portugal to the ground and revealed to the world who they really are. Missing Drogba for most of the game, the Cote d'Ivore team annihilated the Portuguese in a game where the scoreboard is a true teaser. They won me over in their teamwork, effort, athleticism, skill, and leadership. The Ivory Coast defeated Portugal defensively, and if Drogba hadn't been hurt, would have beaten them too.

This is a truly dangerous team, and I actually see them winding up first in a real Group of Death o.o.

Portugal

Grade= PANTS ON THE GROUNNDDDD!

The Christano Ronaldo's....I mean Portugal showed why they are the other great chokers, other than Spain. Supposedly this was supposed to be the team of Ronaldo. The team of goals from a mile away! The team of destruction!

Ronaldo got one shot, and Portugal got scared. Proving, Portugal is a crap team without Ronaldo. An amazing player can't be the whole team in Soccer. Ronaldo is probably the best pure kicker in Soccer, but he can't win it for you. So especially with the press of North Korea coming up, Portugal has to be worried. If Ronaldo is shut down again as bad as Kaka was, Portugal could actually be looking at an early exit.

Brazil

Grade= PANTS ON THE GROUNDDDDDDDDD...Even more than Portugal!

This is not Brazil. I hate Brazil, but the Brazil I hate plays with swagger, and looks like the Harlem Globetrotters. This is the Brazil that wants to be Argentina and is failing. The Brazil of Pele would have destroyed North Korea. This Brazil barely won.

Of course, this Brazil is wayyy over-hyped. Yes this team will do well without their two best players and a coach trying to change Brazil completely. Yes, that will so work with these kids who've only learned how to play like in a samba class. That is why North Korea had them. They shut down Kaka. The press hurt them badly.

Also with Kaka. The number 10 of Brazil is sacred. The position of Pele is as sacred as the QB of the Dallas Cowboys, the Center of the LA Lakers, the Shortstop of the New York Yankees (and so on). I want to hear Kaka on every play, not twice like in the last game.

Also you can't expect much. Ronaldo and Ronaldinho are not there. This Brazil team is against it's roots, and that will I assure you destroy them even if they advance. They will not go far.

Brazil needs to be old Brazil fast, or everyone is going to press them and then cover the wings. The same old trick will not work this time around. Especially if they think that the cup will just be handed to them, because they are Brazil.

This is why Brazil is always a favorite, it's Brazil. It's a name brand in Soccer. You can't always win as a name brand, ask the Yankees. This was the problem for Brazil and they slacked off against North Korea, and they took advantage.

Really there was just so much on this team, that it disgusted me watching them.

North Korea

Grade= Very Impressive.

Who woulda thunk it? North Korea held Brazil down for a half and if they had better strikers, could have beat them.

Their defense was solid and beyond all the North Korea jokes, they were very impressive. Though that doesn't translate well because they still lost to Brazil, and the Ivory Coast will not be like Brazil, which could mean the end. It was fun watching though, and makes me wonder if this secretive thing really works for Soccer.

Group F: Spain

Grade= Pants on the GROUNDDD!

I just thought this looked cool.

Though Spain, you held the ball for most of the game. You lost. Yeah, Spain once again you are severely over-hyped and the definition of Chokers in World Soccer Play.

You are to our American friends, the Dallas Cowboys, Yankees during the 2000's, and San Jose Sharks of Soccer. You are full of talent, and full of potential, but something doesn't click. You did everything better than the Swiss, but 1-0? So many missed shots, so much...

I feel bad for Spain for today for them is a National Day of Mourning.

Chile

Grade= Who we thought they were!

...Before we get to the Swiss...let's get through these two.

Chile is a great, undisciplined team. Really that's all you can say. They played cocky and fast. They burnt Honduras quickly and let it be known that they were there. Though Chile showed their fatal flaw. Chile played cocky and got into a lot of penalties, mainly offsides that negated goals.

If Chile wants to go farther, they have to fix that for sure.

Honduras

Honduras= Who We thought they were =/

Honduras...is all heart but they can't keep up. If they were blessed with a better group maybe, but Honduras just doesn't have the fire to keep up here. They played Chile all 90+ minutes, but that wouldn't be enough. Saddens me a little though, because I would love to just see a team with just pure heart win one in this modern era you know?

Switzerland

Grade= Unimpressive

Okay. Now the Swiss to finish off.

Well played Switzerland. You played decent, and became the Indianapolis Colts (America), and won even though you lost everything else. You guys played Spain, a really technical team, and beat them with power and mind games.

Although in everything else you guys weren't pretty, I got to give it to you guys. You have ushered a new era of parity in Soccer. Congrats!

Now...to the next matches. Then a few fixed grades.

So happy scoring!

Oh and Uruguay won 3-0...hehe. XD