"One Favre to Live" is NFL's Newest Soap Opera

jeff tydemanAnalyst IJuly 23, 2008

Let's transport ourselves back to an earlier day and time...the era of radio dramas known as "soap operas" because they were sponsored by the makers of cleaning products...

(A tinny organ plays theme music, an upbeat cascade of drawn-out notes)

Announcer: Good evening Mr. and Mrs. America and all ships at sea. Welcome to another episode of "One Favre To Live", previously known as "As The Favre Turns"...presented by the makers of Lysol and Lysol-related scrubbing agents...

In earlier chapters our hero,  Brett Favre, a common man, a mere peasant, has fought foes for over 16 years. It is "Yore" when giants named Marino and Elway walked the earth.

The Brett of Favre has beaten all comers, however, including usurpers, pretenders, and rivals, won Super Battle XXXI, beaten his own personal problems, married the Homecoming Queen, and has risen to become the beloved King of the People of Lambeau, a minor duchy somewhere in the North.

But there is an evil in the kingdom—the foul and pestilent Ted of Thompson, a pale and humorless man who is frequently on vacation and refuses to answer text messages.

The wicked Thompson overthrows Good King Brett in a bloodless coup.

Stung, Good King Brett retires to his homeland, among the ignorant folk, reduced to jousting with mere boys as he dreams of regaining his throne. We join him there.

(Organ music...SFX--horse hooves clattering up, whinnying and shouting)

Messenger: I bear a missive for the Brett of Favre; I must give it to him and DIE!

Brett of Favre: I am he!

Messenger: Here!!! Eeeeuuuuaaahhh!!! (He dies)

Lackey #1: What is it, o mighty Brett?

B of F: It is a communication from my Ye Olde Agent, Sid Silverstein.

Lackey #2: The Jew from the Wood West of Holly?

B of F: Precisely. Let's see what he says....hmmm....it says here I have two offers from my verily kingdom arch-rivals to join in an alliance. The first is the Norsemen, they of the horns on the head. They have an able cavalry but their thrower of flaming catapult loads is suspect. They are our most hated enemies....it is tempting to stick it to certain parties, but, nonetheless, I dareth not! Who is the other fighting force?

Lackey #1: The Lions want thou.

B of F: Prithee, give me a break...the Knaves of Detroit? Their spirit is lacking, their soldiers womanly, and their recent history impoverished. I mean, they caught the Black Plague and it was the best thing that happened there in a fortnight!

Ted of Thompson: (Emerging from behind bush) AHA!

B of F: Ye Most Hellish of Cell Phone Avoiders! How I loathe thee, hate thee, and have contempt for thee.

Ted of Thompson: Here, take some painkillers.

B of F: Thanks! All is forgiven! (Chomp chomp) Oh my, I feel very weak. I must retire to my home castle and cogitate a little more. You win this round, Thompson!

T of T: Mwwahhawwahhhh!

(More organ music and general 30's radio show stuff)

Announcer: Next week, join us and the good people of Lysol for more of the saga of the Brett of Favre...here's a sample!

Every Media Outlet: Brett, will you come on our minstrel show and make a sly allusion to your situation, so as to both elicit laughs and further exacerbate things?

B of F: SURE!!!!

Announcer: See you next week, on "One Favre Toooo Liiiive!"

(Organ music)