Open Mic: The Top Five Sports Figures Not Named Favre That Need To Retire

Tony BishopCorrespondent IJuly 23, 2008

I won't bore you with too much blather, let's just get right into this one.  I hope you enjoy my honorable mention.

5) Barry Bonds/Roger Clemens

I allow these two to split one spot because what they represent is so much more than just the individuals.  Listen Barry.. Roger..

We appreciate you guys finally shutting up.  I know there's probably gag orders involved since both of you are at the very least going through major investigations. 

You're both still going to be in the Hall of Fame.  Your memorabilia is still going to be worth plenty of money.

Just get out.  Plead guilty.  Get it over with.  Whether you win or not, we know what you did, and frankly, we really don't care.  We just want to move on and we can't do that until you do.  So please.  Go away.  Get out of the game, go write a book that will play for your lawyer fees.

4) Bobby Bowden

Surprised you're not higher, Bobby?  Me too.

Bowden you already picked your replacement, and that's why you're so low.  At least you realize that you're only a figure head.  Jimbo is really running the show, and yo just get to put on that stamp of approval.

3) Kenny Lofton

I love you, Kenny.  You were great in Chicago in 2003 when I needed you most.  Heck, you've been great for any of the 23 teams or whatever that you have played for.  You did nothing but get on base, play solid defense, work your butt off and therefore inspire your teammates to work their butts off.

This is why it pains me to see you just sitting in that free agent waiting room.  I wish you had retired before this season so we don't have to feel so sorry for you wallowing in the unemployment line.

2) Joe Paterno

JoePa!  Papa Joe!

Seriously, you look like Walter Matthau now.  You've been at Penn State longer than most Americans have been alive.  That's terrible.  Enjoy what little amount of life you have left.

You're still a spry fellow, I'll give you that.  You still run on the field (less and less, but you do it when you can).  You still get angry.  And that's exactly why its time.  No one cares if you or Bowden have the record for most wins. 

1) Junior Seau

Seau you ARE Brett Favre.  You've retired what, seven times?  You came back to win a championship and you haven't been able to do it.  You're getting hurt, you're not as fast and most fans don't even know your name any more.

Strike that.  You're not Brett Favre, you just want to be him.  After your years in Miami you even signed a cute little one day contract just so you could retire as a Charger.  You cried, your fans cried, the rest of us didn't even know it happened.  But that didn't change your desire for that elusive championship.

So maybe you're like A-Rod who is wearing a Brett Favre costume.  You go to a team in the midst of a dynasty in hopes of getting that big ring on your finger and then that team can't even win a championship with you.

So just retire already.  People already look at you like that one-legged guy from Australia.  I mean, we'd like you to succeed but watching you try is just so... sad.

Honorable Mention: Chris Berman - Is there really a more annoying person in all of sports?  I mean, you're not even good at giving out nicknames anymore and frankly you came as close as you could to ruining Josh Hamilton's Home Run Derby contest.  You've run your course Chris, please stop giving America aneurysms.