Bud Selig Takes Action, Designates Pittsburgh Pirates for Assignment

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Bud Selig Takes Action, Designates Pittsburgh Pirates for Assignment
Mike Stobe/Getty Images

After months of hibernation in a coffin, Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig has awakened.

In an impromptu press conference Wednesday morning in Milwaukee, the 75-year-old skeleton addressed the media.

"In light of the developing story regarding the success of Nationals' pitcher Steven Spielberg, it has come to my attention that a plague called the Pittsburgh Pirates actually exists in our great game," said Selig, while dusting himself.

"As a result of the team's utterly embarrassing national television display Tuesday night, I have decided to designate the franchise for assignment."

"These so-called Pirates have 10 days to decide between accepting their assignment to AA, or accepting their outright release from American professional sports," continued Selig, as he pulled out a pair of mallets and began to play his ribs like a xylophone.

He cited the "best interest of baseball" clause as his reason for the decision.

The Pirates were thought to have ceased to exist since the 1992 season, but have actually still been playing Major League Baseball. However, their performance on the field has not been noted, and they are not regarded as an actual MLB franchise.

In a college football-style move, Selig addressed plans to replace the Pittsburgh franchise. Illogically, Selig has stated that the league has been in contact with the Los Angeles Lakers regarding a potential league and sport change.

Lakers owner Jerry Buss, while combing stray championship rings out of his mustache, declined to comment on the matter.

"We will now conduct an '80s-style NBA lottery to determine the future status of Andrew McCutchen, who appears to be the only true baseball player on the Pittsburgh roster," said Selig.

A basket was then unveiled on-stage containing 29 envelopes, each containing one of the league's remaining teams. Without further ado, Selig reached into the basket and shuffled the cards around before finally pulling one from the pile.

Curiously, this envelope appeared to have a slightly bent edge.

"The rights to Andrew McCutchen have been awarded to...the New York Yankees."

The bony commissioner then posed with the card in hand, winking towards the camera.

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