WWE: Monday Night Raw 5/31/10

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WWE: Monday Night Raw 5/31/10
Welcome to a girl's (just me, I don't speak for all women!) view of the WWE in progress. Just a warning to salivating fans, I won't be watching NXT regularly, but if that changes, you'll notice. I tried, but it's just not my thing--much like reality TV shows just aren't my thing in general.

So we start the show "already in progress" and Edge is beating the hell out out of Evan Bourne. Edge, the Ultimate Opportunist, wants it clear that it's his Ring, and Bourne (Michael Cole tells us) ran out to challenge saying he isn't waiting for -his- chance anymore. Bourne takes Edge down with some kicks, goes up to the top rope for the shooting star; surprise, Edge moves out of the way... okay, who's really surprised? Edge then nails Bourne with a Spear. He then goes on to tell us all how Orton, Sheamus and Cena are going to go out on Fatal Four Way. He's tired of being disrespected (boohoo.)

Okay, for me, all this did was push Evan (pretty nice push too) and make Edge look like a reincarnated Rodney Dangerfield with a long, whiney promo about how he gets no respect. Well hell, if you're going to be beating up on a guy like Evan (which makes this girl scream: WE NEED THE CRUISERWEIGHT BELT BACK!) you don't really deserve respect. On the other hand, if he beats you, it's the kind of feel-good moment that "It's a Wonderful Life" leaves you with. But we'll get to that later.

Well, Randy Orton's music comes on and blasts the crowd into a roar, and he makes his way to the ring. Edge, with his stupid "look-how-crazy-I-am" wide eyed facade of a madman tries to tell Randy how it is, telling him he knows he's not 100% (no kidding, did you guys see his arm last week! Wooooooow.) and that he can't (or was it won't?) RKO him because of this. He tells Randy to look him in the eye as he says all of this tired tripe, and that -he- knows that -Randy- knows that he can't win at F4W because Edge has already hurt him. BOOM! RKO! Randy poses, it's all good.

Okay, Edge is on my last nerve with his mic skills. I don't know if he writes his own shit, but someone has to approve it, so obviously the WWE likes it. I'm not sure if it's his lack of vocal inflection or his over-the-top acting that annoys me. Sure, he's pretty, but not pretty enough to make up for his lack of personality. Nothing he says stirs me to anger (as a proper heel should), nor do I root for the huge ego that he's riding bareback. If I had to say something nice about Edge, I guess I'd say that I like his intro music. Sorry I can't give him more right now.

A proper heel will get me laughing and get my kids furious, or he'll get me going, to the point where I actually get mad at sports entertainment (Jericho's great at this, The Miz is getting better, and Mr. McMahon is still damn good on the mic. When Orton does speak, his words are few and to the point-thank god someone in the industry has the brevity skill under their belt). Edge just makes me sigh and want to turn the channel, much like the Straight Edge Society (I heard some gasps of "ohmygodshedoesn'tknowwhatshe'stalkingabout" out there! But we'll get to the SES after Friday Night SmackDown).

I'm not going to talk much about this, but apparently Ashton Kutcher, supported by Eve, has 'put out a hit' on Zack Ryder, and nobody knows -who- it will be. (I won't say who yet, but did anyone -else- get who it was RIGHT off the bat? I can't be the only one.) Kutcher does let us know that The Miz will be facing Daniel Bryan (signed for a one-day contract) after a conversation that he had with RAW's GM, Bret Hart.

Okay, okay, okay... I don't like guest stars. I especially don't like guest stars that play with the "Who?" dudes from the roster. Hell, they're already jobbers, this just makes it worse. Zack Ryder (PLEASE GIVE UP THE 80's headband and what's with the one-legged pants??) now looks stupid not only because he's a jobber (and a bad one at that), but because he can't survive a match set up by Ashton Kutcher. I guess we can be glad that Kutcher didn't chew up and spit out anyone's names.

R-Truth v. Jericho

Decent match. Lots of back and forth and then, Truth wins with a pin, one that I haven't seen before that actually broke him out of The Walls of Jericho, and rolled him over to get Truth's win. I don't love R-Truth as my husband will tell you, I think his gimmick with the audience on entrance will grow old fast, and he'll have to find another way to catch the crowd's attention, but for now the ol' "What's Up?!" schtick will do. I'd rather hear Jericho rant though.

Bret lets the kids of the Hart Dynasty know that they're going to have to work to retain that title. He says he's not going to punish their opponents, the Usos-who he hired, and urges them to figure out what they're going to do next. As we fade away, the Hart Dynasty is whispering animatedly to themselves.

Can anyone else say I DON'T CARE. I don't know enough about The Hart Dynasty to care, and even less about the Usos to care. It looks like one big push for the Usos that also benefits the Harts, but either way, the losers are the winners and vice versa. We don't know enough about any of the six of them personally to care.

Eve and Santino vs. Maryse and William Regal.

Let me make this perfectly clear so you can skip ahead of you like. I hate Maryse's hair. Her personality is bitchy, which, for me is better than the Jr. High antics of "LayCool". But oh my GOD that HAIR! It's a mullet! Doesn't anyone else see it? Sure it's long and she flops it around, but it's nothing more than a glorified mullet! She flips that thing and I worry that I've accidentally flipped over to a hillbilly horror flick. And William Regal needs to start doing some crunches. Eve is gorgeous as always and is, sadly, partnered with Santino. Not sad because it's not going to be an amusing match, but sad in that she's probably going to lose. But holy hell! They win! And kudos to Eve and Santino who look just as surprised as anyone when it happens. Other than that, meh.

Bret Hart and Ashton Kutcher agree that a "people's choice" edition of the show should happen next week. The people will vote, and matches will be based on it. Vince comes out with his cock-of-the-walk routine (love it!) and jaws for a bit (as the crowd chants 'you tapped out!'), but he didn't stop anything that Bret was doing. He did warn Bret that at some point he would have to make unpopular decisions 

We join as Zack Ryder (with Alisha Fox) as he interrogates Randy Orton as his possible "hitman" sent by Kutcher. Orton says Zack wouldn't be standing if that's the case. Zack walks off and from behind comes Edge who slams Orton's shoulder in the door, knocking him to the ground. This changes the show's final match which was supposed to be Cena&Orton vs. Edge&Sheamus. Cena now has to find a partner or fight a handicap match.

Miz vs. Bryan

Bryan wins. It isn't a wonderful match. Good enough... surprise pin. Miz attacks Bryan after the match--Bryan takes over and throws Miz right into Michael Cole (which was cool), who was ripping him apart on mic through the whole thing. Happily, Lawler managed to scoot over just in time. Wah, wah, wah Michael Cole doesn't like it. He's still nowhere NEAR as bad as Matt Stryker.

Anyway....

Replay (God, half the show is replays and it really irritates me... they'll replay a bit of a promo that we saw before the commercial-bleh.) regarding the Harts vs. the Usos. The Usos step up to talk some smack (hated their smack talk--it was a parody to me... and Tamina was the worst of all of them). The Harts suddenly attack, all end up on their backs, and are all hit with splashes from the top rope by the Usos.

Alicia is Zach's hitwoman... big surprise. *yawn* If you didn't catch that as they walked around together, you're either slow, or like my grandmother-it could be a twist on a twist... which the WWE doesn't generally do.

Sheamus and Edge decide to team up against Cena. Sheamus warns Edge that if he stabs him in the back, it'll be the last thing he ever does.

Cena announces his partner. Evan Bourne!!! Now I really like this kid. He's got a million dollar smile, he's fast, he's agile, he's great at counters... but we can't ignore his size. The match is surprisingly good. Of course, Evan takes a beating, but in the end, Cena gives Sheamus the Attitude Adjustment, and throws Edge out of the ring, he tags Evan as he pulls Sheamus over toward him and Evan's on the top rope, nails Air Bourne, pins Sheamus, and the WIN! for Cena and Evan!

Overall good night for WWE, not great, but I admit to really loving the last match.

+ to Evan Bourne

- to Zach Ryder

- to Edge

- to Alisha Fox

= to Cena

= to Jericho

- to Miz

+ to Daniel Bryan

= to Sheamus

See you Friday night or Saturday morning...
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