Bret Hart and Teddy Long open the show: letting us know how the evening will be working out. The catch- the WWE fans get to decide. Those in the F4W will battle to keep their spots: first, Randy Orton.
ROAR of the crowd for Randy Orton! Well he is damned cool. Randy tells Bret that he wants Edge. If not, he’s going to go backstage and find him.
Edge comes out to boos. Of course he wants it… Randy’s wearing a brace for his shoulder! Teddy whispers an idea to Bret. They’re going to let the arena decide. Miami decides: A. Debate B. Situp match c. Edge fights with one arm tied behind his back. Gee, the audience chooses C. Muahahah.
1st Match: Chris Jericho vs. Big Show. Options are: A. Over the Rope Challenge B. A submission match. C. Body slam challenge. Heh heh. I have to admit to liking happy Show. :D He’s enormous and has a smile to match. WWE.com votes for which kind of match they’ll have. They come back and Matt Striker makes the announcement: It’s- C. The Body Slam Challenge. Big Show’s loving it. Jericho walks out with a possible “slightly worried” look on his face. It gets more worried as he looks around. Big Show waves, Jericho jaws. Jericho bitch-slaps him! Oops… Show gets him back with a few smacks of his own. Jericho tries to lift Big Show. Heh. Fail. Jericho gets a bit of a run, but gets shoved out of the air by Show. Body slam by Show! Win! Then Show decides to go for the trifecta! He gets Jericho to tap out and then throws him over the rope.
Next: Hart Dynasty versus A. The Usos. B. The Dudebusters (*throws up a bit in the back of her mouth*) and C. The Great Khali and Hornswaggle. The public chooses… C. The Great Kahli and Hornswaggle. Ummm… I guess people wanted to go for the laugh instead of a real match. The beer is setting in early for the night. *chuckle*
Wow. David Hart Smith pins Hornswaggle. *YAWN* The Usos and Tamia come in and try to beat down the Hart Dynasty, who pushes them back a few steps. ‘Bout time. I’m personally a little sick of brand newbies coming in and gaining far too much far too fast.
Jerry Lawler has to run off, we don’t know why.
Kane in mourning rewind. I’ve heard recently that him not wanting a new run at a belt is completely off base too.
Bradley Cooper comes out to say the “A-Team” opens on Friday and they’re glad to be hosting Raw. And that’s about it.
Someone stole Lawler’s crown! Quentin Jackson and Sharito Copley vow to get it back (in their movie character’s personas).
Satino v. Kozlav: Will it be A. A normal match, B. An arm wrestling competition, C. A dance off. Okay, the WWE fans are well into their 12 packs! It’s a dance-off! Okay, Santino’s funny… and damned flexible! OH MY GOD. Kozlav is AWESOME (“vintage Kozlav” says Cole!). Who can believe that guy can actually (kind of) dance! At least he gave it a go, good humor!
Divas! A. 6 on 6, B. Diva Battle Royal, C. Champions face-off! (And thank goodness, Lawler made it back to the ring! You –know- he’s missed Kelly Kelly) A Diva Battle Royal wins it.
1st: Rosa Mendez
3rd: Kelly Kelly
4th and 5th: Alicia Fox and Gail Kim simultaneously.
6th and 7th: The Bella twins simultaneously.
8th and 9th: LayCool
10th: Eve Torrez
12th and WINNER: Maryse (Please, if you're going to throw women out there, thrashing their hair around to turn people on, at least have a decent win and not a predictable one.)
Switch over to Sheamus… and there is Kane. Kane is pissed. And Shaemus backtalks… he would want everyone to know if he took out The Undertaker. Oooh… Kane wants to see Shaemus real soon. Shaemus v. Who? A. Kane B. Mark Henry C. Evan Bourne!
And Shaemus will face… KANE! By 88%. *LOL* I hope he puts Shaemus put through real hell for the first time. I’m sick to death of his cocky BS.
Kane throws Shaemus out of the ring immediately. He’s in a brutal mood it seems! Shaemus gets in body slam, goes for a pin, Kane kicks out. Kane boots Shaemus in the head (nice to see that one turned around). Kane starts beating Shaemus rather mercilessly. Choke slam averted twice now by Shaemus. Third time, Shaemus takes a choke that pushes him over the top rope. 4th Choke connects in a slam! Go Kane! Shaemus rolls out, falls to a very cowardly countout. What else is new. He’s a newbie AND he gives up whenever he feels like it. He and Drew McIntyre need to stop sharing a storyline.
Later! We’ll chose Cena’s apponent! A. Jack Swagger B. Rey Mysterio and C. CM Punk
Wade Barret. Anyone care? Not me. (Oh, he’s stupidly pompous. Not Jericho/Miz style pompous.)
Dibiase says he doesn’t want some stupid crown. Virgil tries to show the two guys from the A-Team out, but Erwin R. Sheister has a crown, says Jerry didn’t pay his back taxes .
Truth gets either A. Christain B. MVP or C. Jon Morrison and The Miz gets A. Dolph Ziggler B. William Regal or C. Zack Ryder (*rolls eyes*).
Truth and Morrison are teaming up! AND The Miz and *sigh* Zack Ryder. I really, really dislike Zack Ryder. Stupid one-legged tights… someone needs to cut that other leg off of them!
Morrison and Truth working well together in the beginning of the match… nice team-up on a tagged-in move. Big boot to Truth’s head by Miz. Ouch. Morrison tagged in and goes to work on The Miz… Zack Ryder breaks up the three count set up by Morrison. Miz enters, takes down Morrison with the ‘skull crushing finale’ for the three count and the win. Zack Ryder is ridiculous… I really find him another person who’s lost in the 80’s in New Jersey, much like the “Dudebusters”. God, just get them off my television! I didn’t pay this much for this TV to watch Jersey Shore invade the WWE.
Next: Edge vs. Orton! Edge gets a decent pop. Another rewind. *yawn* Crowd begins chanting RKO! Randy Orton enters with one arm in a sling (and a bigger pop). They tie up Edge’s left arm. Randy stomps down on Edge, and takes a lead… but goes for the RKO with the left hand and loses hold on Edge. Stupid. Edge disqualified for loosing his hand (then mercilessly kicking the shit out of Randy in a corner). Randy has his back to Edge who’s getting ready for the Spear, instead, Orton turns around and kicks Edge in the head… twice. Edge hits Randy with a chair in the injured shoulder. Shoulder hit with the chair –again-. What a little girl. Couldn’t even take on a shoulder-slung Orton.
Reminder! We’ll chose Cena’s opponent! A. Jack Swagger B. Rey Mysterio and C. CM Punk
John steps up to the mic. It basically boils down to “GO PUBLIC! YOU’LL MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE!” What a good ol’boy.
Mean Jean Okerlund! In a short check in on Sharito Copley. Boy is he missed! Okerlund calls Josh Matthews a loser. *LOL*
Drew McIntyre vs. either A. Yoshi Tatsu B. GoldDust or C. Mystery Man (MATT HARDY! YEAH!).
Matt Hardy is in and he and Teddy Long congratulating each other for ‘getting him’. Awesome. Teddy comes out to say Matt Hardy was suspended from Smack Down, not Raw. And the match is ON. Matt Hardy comes out CRAZY. I find myself rooting for Matt Hardy a little more excitedly than before! Wow…. Matt is kicking butt… WINS WITH A TWIST OF FATE! WOOOOH! Matt is AWESOME SAUCE tonight!
Ted Dibiase’s been asked to see the new BA Barracus served up on a silver platter by Rowdy Roddy Piper! He’s pissed about hearing about the A-Team, etc. He had to hear that Mr. T was the biggest star in the world way back in the day too. But he silenced Mr. T., and now the new one… Piper feels like he has to take him out. “I pity the fool who messes with Hot Rod.” Cody Rhodes Sr., Mean Jean Okerland, and Sharito Copley
arrive. Jakson takes out Dibiase, after slipping the cuffs. Virgil slammed down by Jackson. Silly Jean, but this made me miss him. Lame use of some old stars… they deserved better.
It seems that Jerry has his crown back! :D
Rey gives his shout out for the 619. Swagger said something—I wasn’t paying attention. Punk says if he wins, he’ll get Cena into the SES. Because Straight Edge means I’m better than… no, he’s better than… oh, who cares?
Cena enters to INSANE screaming. HUGE pop for the WWE Champion! And the challenger is…. Punk.
*YAWN* I’d go to bed, but you guys might want me to act like I care. So I’ll act like it for a paragraph or so. CM Punk has worn out his welcome on my mind because of his CONSTANT talking. They let him ramble on far too much for far too long, and now it’s just BORING.
The crowd is PUMPED for Cena. John begins by manhandling Punk pretty well. Jerry Lawler said it best “that nasty little beard”. Heehee. CM Punk gets a little ahead with a turnover, but now Luke Gallows takes advantage, grabbing Cena’s ankle’s and dropping him to the floor, Serena of course, obstructing the official’s view. Their interference is getting old too if they’re the only ones doing it and getting away with it. Cena comes back on a roll, pulls off an STFU, five knuckle shuffle… and Wade Barret shows up. Do I really have to groan AGAIN?
Okay, all hell has broken loose.
NXT superstars (all 8) after beating the hell out of the SES, getting rid of the Ref, are now advancing on Cena. It’s an eight on one bullshit-match, thank you. STUPID. They take out Matt Stryker, then Jerry Lawler (!) and Michael Cole… ran for it, I think. Heh. No one’s safe at ringside. Announcers and support staff are flying everywhere.
NXT has taken over Raw. Cena’s taken out on a backboard. Well I guess I can be glad that there are more NXT rookies than SES members?
“You Suck” is chanted over and over… and I couldn't agree more.
Cena gives us a thumbs up.
+Kane (I see a big push coming for him.)
-All of NXT (I wasn't impressed at all, thanks.)
+Matt Hardy! Big push!
-To Raw Guest Hosts... WHY BOTHER?
+ Teddy Long! He carried Bret Hart tonight (who doesn't have the -best- mic skills, AND gave us Matt Hardy v. Drew McIntyre tonight, which has been a long, long time coming!
+ Beer... because without it, the WWE fan universe just wouldn't be the same. ;)