New York Mets' Oliver Perez Walks Away from Baseball, Opens Hair Salon (Satire)

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New York Mets' Oliver Perez Walks Away from Baseball, Opens Hair Salon (Satire)
Nick Laham/Getty Images

I'm hoping that Ollie Perez decides to walk (pun intended) away from baseball to open a hair salon so he can carve fancy lightening bolts in my sideburns, like he does with his.

He could charge $36 million dollars for a haircut.  And the same way he struggles repeating his delivery, he'd also forget how to cut hair in the middle of each cut, upon which a back-up barber would come in to finish the job.

And every time you ask Ollie the Barber to make an adjustment, like make the top shorter or the mullet longer, his phone would ring.  The man on the line is his agent Scott Boras, and the answer is no—he won't do it.  

Ollie the Sideburn Architect doesn't do a lot of things.  He doesn't throw strikes.  He doesn't care about his team.  He doesn't care that the man who made him a multimillionaire would like him to go to the minors.  

Sideburns.  He does care about them.

So I'm hoping that Ollie takes his $36 million dollars of the Mets' money, "walks" from baseball and opens up a hair salon.  I'm suggesting that he names it...

Cut From the Team Salon.

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