JaMarcus Russell Meets With Al Davis To Discuss Money, Speed (Satire)

Josh BroudyCorrespondent IJune 4, 2010

So, Al Davis wants to take money from JaMarcus Russell. Here's how their meeting went down.


Al Davis: You know why we called you here, JaMarcus. We—I feel that you should pay us back for being the most pathetic excuse for a quarterback.

JaMarcus Russell: A simple, "Could you pay us back would've been nice, you know." But, why should I pay you guys back? It's not my fault you drafted me because I could throw 80 yards on my knee.

Al Davis: Yes, but you fell asleep during meetings.

JaMarcus Russell: You do the same exact thing.

Al Davis: I'm 127 years old. You are 24 years old.

JaMarcus Russell: Wait, aren't you 12-

Al Davis: Never mind about that. Let's get this over with. I have a rash on my left buttock, and I'm growing impatient. Pay me back $9.55 million and I won't have to hurt you.

JaMarcus Russell: I'm not paying you back that much. Didn't I already tell you, you old fart? But we can reason, though?

Al Davis: How 'bout you give me $7 million, and we'll call it a deal.

JaMarcus Russell: Or, I could introduce you to Johnny Speed, Steven Ferrari, or Bill Corvette? And I pay you $2 million.

Al Davis: Sure, it's a done deal. You know I love speed. And the game tape I've watched of Corvette has been really smooth. Could I also meet Steven Ferrari? I've heard he's quick, but doesn't have much stamina. 

JaMarcus Russell: Well, if you want to meet Mr. Ferrari, you have to pay me an extra $2 million.

Al Davis: It's a done deal, JaMarcus. Hope you enjoy all your fancy jewelry and automobiles. Because the next guy who gives you a job, I'll send a get well card too.

JaMarcus Russell: Always a pleasure sir. (He walks out of the room, and says to himself) Sucker, All those players live in Europe. I just weaseled out $2 million.

Al Davis: Sucker, I just paid him $2 million. These players are awesome!!!