Huh? What the heck is this thing pictured here? Shouldn't it be the Lombardi Trophy? And why isn't Drew Brees holding it?
Oh. THAT kind of football... you know it's really lame, right? I mean, their biggest games are only played once every four years. And come on they don't even wear pads! Why should I become a soccer fan? The World Cup isn't that exciting...
...So what? American football is so much more exciting. I mean seriously, Super Sunday is a national holiday, and it's really easy to be a superfan of my team when it only plays once a week. I just block out three hours to watch my team, plus maybe three or four more hours over the course of a week, and I know everything there is to know. Plus, it's really easy to find my team's games on TV!
Well, okay, I believe you. I mean, I don't understand why, but apparently, the World Cup is the most watched sporting event in the entire world. But I mean, you became a Ravens fan for real during the 2000 season when the Ravens won the Super Bowl, right? You weren't really a huge fan before then, while they were losing all the time, right?
Well, yeah, so this illustrates my point. If the US was any good at soccer I'd bother to become a fan— in America we love winners! I don't want to invest all that mental energy and effort into a team that just loses all the time, I get enough heartbreak from other sports.
What? They beat the No. 1 team in the world at the Confederations Cup in 2009? Are you serious? Come on man, I know making the tournament is theoretically a big deal, but there are 32 teams that make the tournament! Showing up and losing your opening game and going home... oh, three games? Showing up and losing your opening three games, thereby failing to get out of your group, is not an achievement I can cheer for. Rah rah—there, that's about all I'm willing to help you with.
Wait a minute. So the USA is expected to make it out of its group this year? Instead of, you know, losing all three games or losing two and getting a draw like they did last time? I mean, I tried to get excited for it in 2006, but it was a huge letdown. Why can this team make noise where that one didn't?
Oh, yeah, I actually do think I have heard that name before. Isn't he the best American player in our country's history? Maybe even a top 50 player in the world, depending upon who you ask? I mean, that's pretty cool to have a player who can actually make serious runs with the ball rather than just looking like JaMarcus Russell trying to throw a pass.
Hold on a minute, though. Wasn't he the best player on the 2006 team? And doesn't England have this guy David Beckham...oh, he's done? I must be getting him confused with...Wayne Rooney. Is that his name? Isn't Rooney supposed to be one of the handful of English stars who we play against in our first game?
Oh, our goalie? Is he really that good? A world class keeper, huh? Who is enough to make a big save or two to keep us in games, kind of like Ryan Miller did at the Olympics in hockey? I guess on a good day he might be able to stop some of Rooney's shots, or anybody else's. And rumor has it that England has question marks in goal... hm. But we're still underdogs in that game, right? I mean, like I said, I deal with enough sports tragedy to risk even more.
You have a point. I mean, Cincinnati actually won their division last year and I had to purchase beer about it, and the lowly Tampa Bay beat the Packers in the middle of last season for their first win. I'm not a huge hockey fan, either, but I almost missed the train as the US made its big run in hockey at the Olympics even though they came up short, it was one of the most exciting sports games I've ever seen. Plus, if South Korea could make the semifinals in the 2002 World Cup, I guess anything really can happen.
True. All my friends will be depressed with me even if they lose so at least I won't have to deal with any of my "friends" who are fans of the opposing team, or who actually liked Sidney Crosby after he beat Ryan Miller in overtime—I'm still mad about that.
Okay, so I'm convinced—it might be worth watching. But what about those games that end without any scoring? That seems kind of boring to me.
Good point, that always livens things up regardless of scoring...and at least I'll have an excuse to drink during the day outside of American football season for the first time since college.
I guess you can say I'm an American soccer fan now!
(Thanks everyone, hope you enjoyed. USA USA USA!)