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Zlatan Ibrahimovic Can't Come to England: Why? Because He Would Melt

VILLARREAL, SPAIN - MAY 01:  Zlatan Ibrahimovic of FC Barcelona looks on during the La Liga match between Villarreal CF and FC Barcelona at El Madrigal stadium on May 1, 2010 in Villarreal, Spain.  (Photo by Manuel Queimadelos Alonso/Getty Images)
Manuel Queimadelos Alonso/Getty Images
Ron FurlongAnalyst IIMay 24, 2010

Barca striker Zlatan Ibrahimovic struggled in his first season with the La Liga powerhouse—so much so, in fact, that he's been looking around for another job.

Barca's recent signing of Valencia striker David Villa has fueled speculation Ibrahimovic may be wearing a new uniform next season.

One big problem though: Ibrahimovic has made an interesting revelation about himself. Apparently he suffers from "Wicked Witch of the West Disease." Yes, that's right—he melts in rain.

The 28-year-old Ibrahimovic made this disclosure to the Swedish magazine Cafe. Asked whether he would like to come to the Premier League, perhaps the top football league in the world, Zlatan answered, "England doesn't feel close. I don't like rain."

"Wicked Witch of the West Disease," surely. What else could it be? How else could one explain not wanting to come to arguably the world's best league? It couldn't be simply not liking rain—could it?

Could one's dislike of getting a little wet really stop them from making millions of dollars—maybe more money than they could make anywhere else? Surely a little rain wouldn't stand in the way of football glory and untold riches, would it?

So, let's consider where in fact Ibrahimovic can play his football. Rains in England—we've established that. Rains in America—sorry Yanks. He couldn't return to Italy—way too much rain (how did he survive Milan?). Rains in Germany. Rains in France. Snows in Russia. Probably same as rain, right?

Staying in Spain has got to be his only option. Madrid, by the way, gets almost seven inches a year less rainfall than Barcelona.

So, sorry Chelsea. Sorry Arsenal. Sorry Manchester City and Manchester United. Unless you can build a retractable roof for your stadium, and all the stadiums you play at, Zlatan Ibrahimovic cannot be a part of your team, so put your wallets away. Your money is no good.

Your money, in the end, is just too wet.

One final note to our tale: In checking annual average rainfalls, I found it interesting that London gets 22.98" while Barcelona gets 24.72". Don't tell this to Ibrahimovic, or he may melt on the spot.

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