Forget about Brent Celek's production.  Forget about how it takes the mass of several orcas to tackle him.  Forget about his eye-popping five career tackles.  

This is not about Brent Celek the NFL player.  This is about Brent Celek the human being. What shampoo does he use? Does he play Bridge? Most important, should he even exist? 

Everything about this guy points to a severe lack of athleticism, except of course his athleticism. 

Item number one: His name.  Brent Celek.  I want you to slowly repeat that name out loud while articulating every consonant.  Especially the 'N.'  Yeah, especially emphasize that.  

Forget everything you know about Brent Celek.  Now, associate his name alone with a 40-yard dash time.  4.3? No way.  4.5? Not quite.  9.7? Almost.  

I'd guess this guy was an obese college student in a wheel chair wearing thick-framed glasses long before guessing professional athlete.  

But what can I say? Well, Brent Celek bores school children: http://assets.philadelphiaeagles.com/assets/community/Copy%20of%20DSC_0137.JPG

Even the teacher on the right is sleeping.  I bet Brent Celek bought him that necktie.  The student in the yellow-, black-, and green-striped polo just looks uncomfortable.  

I am baffled.  Not at Brent.  It'd be difficult to be baffled at someone who comes across as such an uninteresting dolt.  I am baffled at the children.  How could they not be fascinated by someone who eats footballs? http://cdn0.sbnation.com/imported_assets/203887/3077681044_2d124520f7.jpg

That begs the question: Am I asking the wrong question? 

Perhaps it isn't whether Brent Celek has worth has a human being.  He chews balls, and he lifts his leg to pee (http://www.snakesinmypants.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/brent-celek-captain.jpg ).  

No, I'm not asking whether he's gay.  I'm asking: is Brent Celek a dog? One is an accident; two is a coincidence; three is a trend.  What's number three? Easy: he plays fetch for a living. 

I can't help but imagine Brent letting out a "Woof" the next time he opens his mouth to talk.   

Nah.  It couldn't be.  Could it? How would he have gotten through high school? College? Would an NFL team really draft a dog, much less put him on the same team as a dog killer ? 

Holy @#!$.  I think I just forecasted Brent Celek's death.  

Suddenly I am finding this article transforming from a facetious satire to a frightening and intense thriller.  #!&@.  I'm freaking out.  Oh God.  Brent Celek is gonna die.  And he's catching balls thrown by his killer! What difference does it make whether Brent plays Bridge when he's gonna be DEAD !?

Calm down, man! Calm down.  Catch your breath.  This is lunatical.  Brent Celek is not a dog.  Michael Vick is not out to get him.  

Right?