If The EPL Had Computer Viruses

David JacobsCorrespondent IMay 13, 2010

The English Premier League is full of flaws, just like anything else on this earth.

But if EPL teams had their own version of computer viruses, it would look something like this.



Taken from http://www.comeonspurs.com/football_funnies/180003.php :

The Manchester United virus - This is where the computer develops a memory disorder and forgets about every thing before 1993. 

The Manchester United shirt virus - Designed to drain your bank account, this one is especially hard to detect as it changes its format every three months. 

The David Beckham virus - This affects newer computers mainly. The computer looks great, all the lights are on, but nothing works. 

The Roy Keane virus - Throws you out of Windows. 

The Alex Ferguson virus - The computer develops a continuous whining noise. The on screen clock runs a lot slower than all the other computers in the building. 

The Solskjaer virus - Will take numerous attempts to get into the net, often failing completely. 

The Ryan Giggs virus - The computer develops a processor problem whereby it thinks it's better than it actually is. It also experiences dramatic fluctuations in performance. 

The Fabien Barthez virus - You just can't save anything. 

Laurent Blanc virus - Makes your Computer go really slow and creates big holes in your Hard-Drive! 

The Phil Neville virus - The worst of all, ruins all memory of basic functions and programmes, randomly delivering data to the wrong goal. Also weakens all communications within the network. 

Dressing Room virus - Appears when the system fails. Reboot may be dangerous.

Drawing on inspiration from this great joke, I created viruses of some other teams.
Please note that I am joking the entire way through. To corroborate this claim, I have made up an array of Spurs viruses - And there are a lot of them that remain undiscovered xD

One more United Virus - Nani Virus - Frequently causes your system to go down without anything touching it.


Drogba Virus - See Nani Virus.

Cole Virus - Known to cause disturbance by rejecting floppy discs and only accepting hard USB sticks in his slot.

Sugar Daddy Virus v1.0 -  Overloads the system with funds in the form of continuous numbers. However, downloading of 'silverware' files is still possible.

Kakuta Transfer Virus -  Corrupted file. Interferes with the Mother-board.


Rafa Virus - Creates a 'FACT' shortcut, but leads to failure of the system.

Accent Virus -  Infects the soundcard and speakers in Liverpudlian accent terms. The pronunciations of 'c' or 'k' begins to sound like 'h'. So 'Like' becomes 'Lihe' for example.

Stevie G. Virus - Corrupts your music library so that only play certain songs off Steven Gerrard's own playlist. Clicking any track he disapproves of can result in total system shutdown, and a cracked screen resulting from him punching it.


Wenger Virus v1.0 - Overloads the system non-stop with new foreign software, particularly from French and French-African territory servers.

Wenger Virus v2.0 - Even worse when combined with the Thierry Henry installation upgrade, this virus roughs up the fan causing the computer system to emit a loud, irritating whirring sound which indicates that a response is loading (sounds a bit like - UUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...!).

Walcott Virus -  Tries to emulate the Lennon program. Only the Lennon program is officially approved by Capello Systems International.

Gallas Virus -  Computer leaks tears from two obscure locations at either side when Arsenal draw at home.

Silverware Virus - The 'Emirates Stadium Trophies 06-10' folder is still empty.


Directors Virus v1.0 - Deletes the 'Mark Hughes' file and replaces it with the 'Roberto Mancini' file which can be considered as a pointless downgrade.

Directors Virus v2.0 - This virus hacks the 'Champions League' folder where the funds and the 'Roberto Mancini' file are present and deletes it from the drive.

Sugar Daddy Virus v2.0 - Just like v1.0 but prevents silverware downloads.


Info generously provided by Tottenham's own software - Naughton Anti-Virus ;)

King Virus v1.0 - A Trojan-like virus. Brilliant at protection. A firewall in front of the net but really a liability in disguise ;) Usually followed up by the Woodgate Virus where your computer just won't run at all.

King Virus v2.0 - Drinking habits infect the entire system, slowing it down, sometimes until it becomes completely unresponsive on match days.

Lennon Virus - Makes the system overheat, but has been quarantined on occasion when encountering an advanced firewall defence.

Keane Virus - Starts off as a great program on the Spurs computer, but after being installed on the Liverpool FC brand of computer under the RAFA system, comes back corrupted when reinstalled on the Spurs computer under the 'ARRY system.

Bale Virus - This virus is unique as all it does is help erase the Ryan Giggs Virus from Welsh international computer systems. ;)

Jenas Virus - A shortcut which leads to nowhere and still takes up unnecessary space.

Levy Virus - Scams credit card details for a £70m spree on many players and then system fails immediately after reaching this milestone. It has also been known to spread to United's system and scam £30m in exchange for the Berbatov SPAM file.
However this only occurs in Windows.

Corluka Virus - Sometimes slows system down and temporarily switches off, allowing attack from external sources.

NxtYr Virus -  Procrastinating a trophy win until the following season. Attempts to retrieve a silverware file but ultimately fails to.


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