LT vs. Big Ben vs. Tiger Woods: Who is the Worst of the Bunch?

Greg RiotAnalyst IMay 11, 2010

Remember the last words of the movie “The Blind Side”, where Sandra Bullock’s character thanks Lawrence Taylor for destroying Joe Theisman’s career? Well, there are two more people who should be thanking him: Tiger Woods and Ben Roethlisberger.

The past year has been tumultuous for all three superstars, and while Woods and Roethlisberger are in the midst of championship careers, Taylor’s foray into Hooker Land has seemingly tempered the frenzy that has surrounded both men.

Granted, the saving grace with LT is that he thought that the girl he was supposedly raping was 19 years old, but by law the onus is on him to verify the age.

Which again, I’m still baffled by. It’s not that I endorse the idea of paying for sex, but didn’t the contact he had to get this hooker have any idea this girl was 16 years old?

If you can’t trust hookers these days, then who can you trust?

I’m not one to pretend to understand the logistics of running an escort agency, but if that’s your bread and butter, you just don’t let things like that slip through the cracks. Legitimacy is everything in business, even if you’re selling girls to idiots who pay for the poon.

Nobody should be surprised that Taylor was involved with a hooker. This is the same guy that reportedly sent hookers to opponent’s hotel rooms the night before games, and I’m still not sure if that would’ve made you more excited or less excited to play the New York Giants from 1981 to 1993.

Looking at all three instances individually has made everyone draw their own conclusions. When you step back and look at all of them at once, however, it begs the question: Is it worse to rape an underage hooker, force yourself on a 20-year-old drunk, or have sordid affairs with 121 consenting adults?

Ok, ok, calling the girl Roethlisberger had sex with a “drunk” is back-handed. I’ll admit that. The accused in Big Ben’s case was treated for head injuries at a Georgia hospital, and though they found vaginal lacerations, there wasn’t enough evidence to prove she had been raped. Even the girl admitted to doctors, “A boy kind of raped me.”

Kind of?! That’s like saying my mom coming home and telling my dad, “I kind of cheated on you with another man.” Whaddya mean KINDA?!

The case with Roethlisberger ended out of court, but it was the second time the finger had been pointed at the Pittsburgh Steelers’ star quarterback. He had been involved with a casino hostess in Tahoe last year, not to mention the whole motorcycle thing.

Roethlisberger is the least defensible by all counts, and the media has been right to lampoon him. He may be known for playing outside the pocket as a quarterback, but no matter how big of a star you are, you can’t live outside the law.

With Roethlisberger suspended for four-to-six games, I wonder who is next? has odds on the next NFL to be suspended in the offseason and personally I think it will be Terrell Owens—if he ever gets signed that is.

As Tiger Woods proved, no matter who the hell you think are, you can’t live outside the sense of common morality that binds the Western world. If Woods wasn’t married, the only people that would be in a tizzy are his older, female fans (like my mother).

Now is probably a good time to remind you that Woods was asked to write down the names of all the women he had slept with during his “addiction", and he apparently jotted down a list of 121 names.

I can’t tell if I’m more impressed by the number itself, or the fact he remembered everyone’s name so easily. I can’t even remember the names of people in my extended family for the most part.

So again, the question comes back to which one was worse. On one hand, you have 121 counts of infidelity. On the other, you have a guy paying a hooker who lied about her age, and on the third hand, you have Big Ben forcing himself on a girl he had been hanging out with in the days leading up to the incident.

Then there’s the fallout. 

Taylor is looking at 10 years in jail. 

Woods is staring down the barrel of a divorce and has already shelled out $10 million to the most famous of his mistresses, Rachel Uchitel. 

Roethlisberger is facing a six-game suspension and visits to NFL opponents and fans who are probably ready to unleash a billion condoms on him as he comes out of the tunnel.

All three are publicly embarrassed, which is a pretty big brick in your pants when you’re a sports superstar.

Picking which one is worse is like picking between a crap sandwich, a poop salad, and a vomit burrito. Still, I can’t get past the word “rape” in LT’s case. If the girl Roethlisberger forced himself on in a bathroom really had the legs to stand on in court, she would’ve taken him to the cleaners.

The life lesson there not only revolves around staying away from guys flanked by bodyguards, but most certainly focuses around not using the phrase “kind of” when accusing someone of rape. He did or he didn’t. It has to be that cut and dry.

Strangely, of the three, Woods may have had the largest social impact, but his is surprisingly the least denigrating because he was sexing grown women who at least agreed to it. Granted, there were 121 one of them, but if he wasn’t married, I’d be more prepared to use my five fingers to high-five him rather than slap him in the face.

Still, Tiger is off the hook for the most part, and while people will never fully forget what happened, a public pardon is coming within a few years. It’s already started to happen.

Roethlisberger is 28 years old and maturity is well within reach. He has at least five more years to prove that he’s a champion still, and that he can make better decisions. Getting married at some point would put these messy situations behind him.

Big Ben may have slipped way past Tiger by forcing himself on his victim.

Then LT took it the extra mile by raping an underage hooker. It’s not until now that I realized “rape” and “hooker” should logically never really be in the same sentence, but that’s besides the point at this time. So the vote, I guess, goes to Lawrence Taylor.

Sign your “Thank you” cards, Ben and Tiger.

I guess the only other people that should be thanking these guys is the common Joe. Guys like you and me have to deal with girls flushing over sports heroes and celebrities all the time, and with Greg Oden and George Hill flashing their dicks all over the Internet, matters don’t get any easier.

The actions of the few have knocked the credibility of the whole back about a thousand pegs, and it’s made regular guys like that much more wholesome to the ladies.

So, just as Sandra Bullock did in “The Blind Side ”, I’ll thank Lawrence Taylor too. You make us regular douchebags look not so douchey.