You can see great players like J.R. Towles when you come to Minute Maid Park for an Astros game! Wait. He's now bent sent down to Double-AA Corpus Christi. See what you miss when you don't go. Double-AA talent at Major League prices!
Sure the Astros are bad. Really bad. But there are still compelling reasons to head out to the old ball park. Can't think of any? Luckily, I'm here to help.
With poor pitching and no clutch hitting, or any hitting, every pitch is going to be important towards any unlikely Astros victory.
You'll want to keep a laser-like focus on the game knowing any Astros hit or foul tip might be your only chance to cheer.
You'll also want to watch as Michael Bourn takes 300 steps to catch a ball 10 steps from Carlos Lee. Pray there isn't a collision.
You won't be watching Lee for his great defense. You won't be looking for his Pete Rose-like brand of hustle in the field. Big hits? Not likely to be seen!
You'll be trying to catch Lee caring about the game OR eating a hotdog, nachos, ice cream in a mini Astros helmet, or any other ballpark fare he enjoys. And we are pretty sure he enjoys it all! First person to see Lee eat something fattening or care during the game gets all their beer paid for by the group!
With so few people at the game, competition won't be fierce for baseball fan's most prized possession. The used-to-be-difficult to come by foul ball!
After you have collected your third or fourth, make sure everyone else already has one. Sharing is good, unless it is hit by Tommy Manzella. Someday you'll pay for your kid's tuitions when you sell it. Bank on it!
Let's face it. When the stands are full you can scream as loud as you want at a player and they aren't going to hear you.
Whether you are trying to get a message to your favorite player. "Jeff Keppinger, you are so awesome I just named my dog JKepp!"
Or when trying to heckle an opposing player with a shady side business. "Hey Ryan Braun! That razor you sold me sucks!"
Now you'll be able to politely ask how Kaz Matsui is doing as he recovers from his latest horrifically graphic injury without straining your voice. Win-win!
I still want a refund Braun! Just bring $62 next time the Brewers are in town. I'll be the only person sitting over by third base.
It's summer, it's Houston, and it's hot!
You and the kids are stuck inside and paying to keep the air conditioning at your house at 72 degrees all the time is expensive.
Luckily Minute Maid Park has a roof and is air-conditioned. It will be much cheaper to bring the kids to the game to stay cool.
Just remind them to not watch the game. We don't want someone calling CPS on you. Also give them some parameters on where they can play during the game. I recommend this.
Sit all the way down the third base line, into the left field area. Then tell the kids they can run around anywhere between there and home plate. When they get close to the place where the lady who looks like Grandma, (Barbara Bush), is sitting, they have to come back. If they get lost, the secret service can help them find their way back.
Most of us can't afford to be that guy sitting behind home plate waving around as he talks on his phone in the primo seats. That guy is awesome.
Usually you have to do something outrageous to get some face time on camera. But now when the camera pans around the stands in between pitches or innings, there is a good chance your group will be the only faces they can find.
This could be your big chance, so don't blow it. I suggest standing up and flexing. Trust me, you'll have your own reality TV show in no time. Move over Jersey Shore!
When Tampa comes to town, we can see what might have been. The (Devil) Rays are loaded with talent all over the field. They are everything that is good and just about baseball.
Tampa will be coming to town to play a series in Houston for the first time. The games aren't the main reason they are coming to Houston though. The main reason they will be here is to thank Houston owner Drayton McClain for making former GM Gerry Hunsicker's life miserable.
It's hard to remember, but no so long ago, the Astros were full of talent all over the field. That was when Hunsicker was running the team. But Drayton realized we didn't really need him and drove him off so the Astros could reach new heights under Tim Purpura.
Hunsicker went to Tampa and helped them get to a World Series. They continue to be very successful with their crazy brand of baseball, where you get talented young players and let them play. Weird, wacky stuff!
Don't get too upset though. If Hunsicker was still here, we wouldn't have players like Kaz Matsui, Pedro Feliz, and Brandon Lyon to root for. Who would want that?
Even though you are supposed to be watching intently for the one or two times during a game when the Astros do something right, most of the time you'll see them making mistakes.
Turn those mistakes into your gain! Astros make an error? Drink! Carlos Lee speed walks after a ball hit in the gap? Drink! The Astros run on the field? (Yes, merely running onto the field is a mistake for the 2010 Astros). Drink!
By the fifth inning, you'll be able to talk your friend who can't handle 10 beers into going on the field and getting tased! Bonus points if he runs around while carrying his beer or sneaks a hot dog to Lee before getting caught. Zap!
There aren't many bright spots out there for Houston in 2010. Maybe the only one is Michael Bourn. What makes him special? Speed!
He won't hit for power or drive in a lot of runs. He won't even score a lot of runs except when he gets a single, steals second, then third, and finally home. This scenario will probably account for 72 percent of the Astros runs this year.
He will also get ample opportunity to make great catches in center field as Astros pitchers give up line drive after line drive. My only worry is he will collapse at some point of the season because he has to cover center and left field. Or Lee will simply eat him.
Someday, somehow, the Astros will win a game at Minute Maid Park. And you'll want to be among the dozens who are there to witness it.
Imagine how popular you'll be the next day at the office. Everyone will crowd around you at the water cooler as you expound on seeing Bourn steal every base, including first as the Astros edge out an important late season victory over the mighty fifth place Pittsburgh Pirates.
You'll score bonus points as you hand out all the foul balls you collected from the game. Just remember to keep the one from Manzella. Hall-of-fame? You betcha.