Introducing the Goon Squad: Professional Athletes as Heels

A few weeks ago, Big Nasty wrote a unique article proclaiming Tiger Woods a Real Life Heel.

I found the article to be funny and pretty much on point; but it got me to thinking, why stop at Tiger Woods? There are plenty of athletes who could pull off the role of a successful heel.

How awesome would a stable full of fallen athletes be?

So I present for your viewing pleasure the Real Life Heel Stable known as the Goon Squad.

The Leader - Tiger Woods

Big Nasty already summed up Tiger’s transgressions pretty well in his article, but I will rehash them here.

Tiger was one of the most revered and successful athletes of this or any other generation. He completely dominated his sport and could intimidate almost anyone on the golf course.

Yes, he was that damn good.

Even before he truly became a fallen athlete, Tiger was showing traits of being a heel.

His demeanor on the golf course was borderline childish, as he would curse and slam his clubs whenever he hit a poor shot.

That sort of behavior is acceptable on the mini golf course and maybe the Senior PGA Tour; but not on the PGA Tour, dammit!

Also, he was very standoffish towards his fans; he would rarely if ever stop to sign autographs. At the same time Tiger would go ballistic if a fan would take a picture of him while he was on the tee.

He also comes across as disingenuous and insincere during his press conferences, as he is more inclined to give the generic, robotic response.

Coupled with the recent scandal in his private life, Tiger is a prime candidate to be in this stable.

So why should he be the leader?

Well, he is the most successful and arguably the most dominant athlete on this list. He still plays at a very high level, placing fourth at the Masters upon his return.

His only focus is on winning tournaments (what, do you really think he wants to save his marriage?).

He is still one of the most intimidating athletes in the world as well, when a golfer sees Tiger dressed in red on Sundays, an uneasy chill goes down their spine.

And ladies, he's single!

The Up And Comer – Ben Roethlisberger

Oh, Big Ben Roethisberger.

This is a man who had it all.

He is young, plays one of the most important positions in all of sports, plays in on the most devoted fan bases in all of sports, and has already won two championships.

Yet Big Ben simply can’t keep his head on straight when he sees pretty girls out at the bars.

Two months ago, Roethlisberger was accused of sexually assaulting an underage girl at a bar in Georgia. There were many witnesses who claim to have seen Roethlisberger taking advantage of this girl.

The worst part, this is not his first offense.

Last July, Roethlisberger was accused of assaulting a woman in Lake Tahoe back in June 2008. Clearly, the man has a history of indiscretions with women.

Basically, Roethlisberger’s troubles can be solved by a simple equation:

Big Ben + Alcohol + Attractive Women = Lawsuit

Coupled that with a motorcycle accident he suffered back in 2006 as well as creating locker room tension for being perceived by teammates as lazy and unwilling to work, you have the perfect storm for a fallen athlete.

Roethlisberger makes the list as the up-and-comer because he is arrogant, talented, stupid, and most importantly, flawed. He can’t seem to learn from his mistakes and I can only imagine where his life can go from here.

He is actually eerily similar to Randy Orton during his time in Evolution. Both were young, talented and arrogant. Also, Orton suffered through some accusations backstage about sexually assaulting some co-workers.

The Outcast - Alex Rodgriguez

It seems that no one knows controversy quite like A-Rod.

A-Rod is one of the best players in baseball, having been to numerous All-Star Games and winning several MVP Awards.

He is expected to be a role model to all the young fans, yet he constantly falls short of those responsibilities.

Whether it be cheating on his wife with hookers, taking steroids, or unprofessional behavior on the field, Rodriguez is a lightning rod for controversy.

The worst thing about A-Rod is that he tries so damn hard to be liked by his peers. After years of thinking he was better then everyone else, Rodriguez decided he wanted to be liked by his teammates more.

Try as he may, it seems he is constantly putting his foot in his mouth.

Also, when you take pictures like the one above, it is very difficult for people to take you seriously.

And he dumped Kate Hudson, what a loser.

A-Rod is definitely the Mideon of this group. He’s just a weird, but talented dude who tries to get approval of his peers but just keeps failing.

But hey at least he gets to hook up with Madonna!

Sean Waltman - JaMarcus Russell

"Go-away heat" also known as X-Pac heat, refers to heat drawn by performers in whom the fans are not interested in any capacity and do not want to watch.

For a wrestler drawing go-away heat, the crowd ignores face or heel alignment and boos the wrestler because they are actually bored with or have disdain for the performer (not the character) and would rather watch someone or something else.” – Wikipedia

JaMarcus Russell finds himself as a member of the Goon Squad not because he had any particular fall from grace, but because fans hate him so much because he just plain sucks.

The other athletes in the Goon Squad all have excelled at their sport at one time or another; this is not the case with Russell.

Fans across the United States would hate on this man because of his shortcomings on the field; he would be booed just because people couldn’t stand him.

This is very similar to that of Sean Waltman (X-Pac). Waltman would be booed regularly by the fans not because he could create heat, but because the fans couldn’t stomach him.

Poor JaMarcus shares the same fate. Oakland Raider fans would mercilessly boo the former No. 1 overall pick because he could never live up to the draft hype.

There are other similar parallels between Waltman and Russell.

Waltman found success early in his career at the 1-2-3 Kid and with his first run with D-X as X-Pac.

Similarly, JaMarcus Russell found success early in his career at the middle school and high school levels.

Waltman discovered drugs, Russell discovered powdered donuts. It has been an uphill battle for both ever since.

The Enforcer - Zinedine Zidane

Zinedine Zidane was one of the most popular and talented soccer players of all time.

Besides leading France to a World Cup title in 1998 as well as an appearance in the World Cup Finals in 2006, Zidane had often been praised for his various charity work and community service.

The 2006 World Cup was to be Zidane’s swan song; a farewell to the sport he loved. As fate would have it, France went on a surprising run to the finals, and it seemed like Zidane would have a very unlikely fairy tale ending.

And then came the headbutt heard 'round the world.

Zidane went from global hero to scapegoat in about 15 seconds and he cost France the title by getting a red card.

He also raised the ire of every Italian, including this one!

No one is claiming that Marco Materazzi is a saint, and obviously he told Zidane one too many “yo momma” jokes during the World Cup Final.

Zidane turned heel that fateful summer evening as he turned his back on everything he stood for with one action.

Sportsmanship be damned.

Zidane is not the enforcer type in the traditional sense, but he showed he is not afraid to bend the rules and play dirty when necessary.

Oh and Zidane one last thought; Yo momma is so fat she sat on the rainbow and Skittles came out!

Ohhhhhhhhhh snap!

The Valet - Tonya Harding

Tonya Harding had her own unique philosophy when it came to competition; if you can’t beat ‘em, beat ‘em.

For those of you who may be too young to understand, Tonya Harding was an Olympic class skater back in the early 1990s. One of her chief rivals at the time was fellow US Olympic skater Nancy Kerrigan.

The story goes that Harding’s ex-husband and bodyguard hired a man to break Kerrigan’s leg she would be unable to skate in the Olympics.

Harding found out about this and instead of coming forward and admitting what had happened, she tried to cover up the attack for her own benefit.

What we have here is the perfect valet!

She is cold, calculating, and positively insane.

And for those of you worried about the sorry status of the Divas division have no fear; Harding is an established boxer and she is expected to have an immediate push for the prestigious Divas Championship!

You know; the title that looks like a bedazzled butterfly…

Conclusion

That's a wrap folks, let me know if you think I missed anyone.

Hope you all enjoyed!