New York Jets Sign Lawrence Taylor (Satire)

Steven LernerContributor IMay 7, 2010

Immediately following Lawrence Taylor's arrest on rape charges, the New York Jets signed the Hall of Fame Linebacker to a two-year, $10 million deal.

"We're very happy to have Lawrence on our team," said GM Mike Tenenbaum, as he signed Taylor's release papers to be put in his custody, "Lawrence will make an excellent addition to our team of over-the-hill greats and players with off-the-field legal issues. He'll fit in just fine."

Taylor, who just turned 51, believes he is ready for a comeback in the NFL. The Jets plan on dressing opposing quarterbacks as teenage prostitutes to encourage Taylor to sack the quarterback. 

"Lawrence Taylor will be the starter on day one," Rex Ryan told the press. "Now we're Super Bowl contenders." 

Taylor's contract states that even is he is found guilty, he is allowed to play for the Jets as long as he wears chains around his hands and ankles. 

"I guess that makes me the young LT," said LaDainian Tomlinson as he jogged on the field for the first time as a Jet without this use of his walker.

Taylor is also expected to have the same parole officer as Santonio Holmes and Antonio Cromartie. Holmes was not available for comment because he was listening to his Apple iPod. Cromartie was not available for comment because he was visiting one of his 17 kids.

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