Wrestling's Five Strangest Storylines
Spontaneous combustion, the Bermuda Triangle, and Buff Bagwell's mother on a pole—Some things defy explanation.
Try as we might, it's almost impossible to get inside the head of a wrestling writer.
Just as a superior race of aliens would look down upon us as unintelligent worms, we look down on members of creative as unintelligent worms.
In their defense, it isn't always creative who have creative control and some of the most idiotic decisions come from the very top.
I genuinely hope the decision in 2009 to put Shane McMahon, a non-wrestler, over three of the top heels in the company, Legacy, in a three-on-one match was the result of mini-McMahon's ego and not a thought out strategy.
Compared with Vince Russo of course, Shane-O-Mac's ego is as small and ineffectual as Vince Russo's mind.
Clearly the list of woeful, abysmal storylines is longer than a Goldberg winning streak and so the following are composed of not necessarily the worst, but quite arguably the weirdest Wrestling directions.
The list begins with...
Mark Henry Getting Mae Young Pregnant
In 2000 we saw a repeat of that old, old story: World's strongest man meets septuagenarian, septuagenarian gets pregnant, septuagenarian gives birth to a bloody, rubber hand.
The next Jennifer Aniston romantic movie, anyone?
Perhaps WWE believed we would all be convinced of the awesome power of Sexual Chocolate by his supreme virility?
Somehow, WWE perhaps reasoned, we might overlook his awesome lack of ability in the ring because of his ability to impregnate the decrepit.
A novel but ultimately unsuccessful attempt at getting someone over.
The wrestling world is sometimes criticized for its short memory and lack of continuity, but had this incident not been forgotten we surely would have been treated to a decade long image of Henry sobbing in the shower, scrubbing himself furiously.
Some things are best forgotten.
Oh, and incidentally, as a second generation superstar formerly on WWE, the bloody hand is currently arousing interest from TNA.
Love blossomed the following year when...
Perry Saturn Fell In Love With a Mop
For many this storyline established Saturn as one of the first feminist icons of WWF Wrestling, with its clever deconstruction of the tools of domesticity, and the clear implication of the male's dependence upon the archetypal woman.
For others, it was about a guy who loved his mop.
In 2001, Perry Saturn began replying to everything with the phrase "You're welcome!"
Soon he had fallen in love with "Moppy" (See picture) who he believed to be alive.
Creative is often advised to allow wrestlers to build on their own traits and personalities to allow them to get over with fans and judging from Saturn's eccentric real life, it may be possible this is exactly what they did.
Alternatively, it may have been punishment for Saturn's legitimately attacking and injuring a jobber mid-match.
Whatever the case, the ludicrous story got a positive reaction from wrestling fans and presumably members of the objectum-sexuals community. (Look them up).
Moppy was even able to achieve a feat very few divas manage by turning down the advances of Jerry Lawler.
Tragedy followed, however, when Moppy was kidnapped by Raven and fed into a woodchipper.
Ultimately she paid the price for being bland and exceptionally wooden, though how Raven distinguished her from Terri Runnels remains a mystery to this day.
Meanwhile, in Japan...
Yinling the Erotic Terrorist Gave Birth To An Egg
The Japanese promotion Hustle is well-known for its fantasy-style gimmicks and wacky storylines and would regard a man kidnapping a mop as pretty mundane, run-of-the-mill.
The Erotic Terrorist Yinling gave birth to one of their most bizarre stories after the legendary Great Muta spat green mist between her thighs, thereby naturally impregnating her.
If, like me, your favorite part of sex-ed classes were the times we all had to watch Great Muta matches, that will have been particularly ironic.
Yinling gave birth several weeks later to a giant egg which, when hatched, revealed itself to contain former Yokozuna Sumo champ Akebono.
An insane story but hugely successful and completely in keeping with Hustle's "out there" product.
Mother and son bonded and after briefly feuding with Muta, the three joined forces to create the perfect whip-cracking, green mist spitting, giant baby nuclear family.
And on the subject of close Japanese families...
Val Venis Narrowly Avoids Castration
Prior to researching this article I seemed to recall seeing D'Lo Brown wrestle in a dress.
Having found no evidence for this it would seem my own mind is as harrowingly corrupted as any creative worker, but I did hit upon this long forgotten story from 1998.
The Big Valbowski got a little too close to Mrs. Yamaguchi-San, wife of one member of Kaientai, and after being betrayed by Taka Michinoku came within inches of having to borrow dresses from D'Lo Brown.
Fortunately, and due to in his own words, "a little shrinkage" Val was able to escape with the most important member on the roster still intact.
In 2001 he was on the receiving end of some poetic justice for his transgressions when Edge married his sister.
The wedding night put Venis among the 57 percent of Americans who have a female relative with whom Edge has romanced.
Which means the weirdest of all was...
Kane Accused Of Necrophilia
Surely both the worst and the weirdest storyline ever devised, the Katie Vick angle arguably ruined Kane's career.
It made sense to give the Big Red Machine's character a bit of depth with an intriguing back story but the utterly puerile, immature, and simply stupid way with which it was dealt was awful.
The initial idea had potential. Kane portrayed as someone who may possibly have murdered a young woman far back in his murky past would have been edgy but could've created an aura of mystery, depth, and fear around him.
The feud could have centered on Kane's desperation to silence Triple H, or losing his sanity in the face of false accusations.
His innocence or guilt could have been kept secret for weeks and the feud could have run through several pay-per-views.
Instead we got Triple H shagging a mannequin.
So there you go. Agree? Disagree? Comments always welcome and thanks for reading.