Phillies Fans: Menaces to Society?
Philadelphia fans in general have a bad reputation. We are loud. We are fickle. And more often than not, we are intoxicated.
An athlete playing for a Philly team is only as good as his last play. While some may see that as a negative, I see it as a sign of our dedication to our teams and our city.
We simply refuse to tolerate a player not owning up the cash he's paid. This makes our players better. Philadelphia bleeds red (obviously), but it's not any old normal red, it's Phillies red.
I can't prove there is a difference in the color, but take my word for it. However, this tendency towards raucousness has led a few bad apples to stray far from the tree of simple jeering and booing. Here are some of the most recent Phillies fans who have taken it a step too far.
Let's face it. Baseball games can get tedious. Phillies fans aren't alone in charging onto the field, hoping to get a quick shot at fame and stir things up a bit.
This particular story has a shocking end. Goddamn, I'm clever.
Steve Consalvi, 17, charged onto the outfield during the eighth inning of Monday's game at Citizens Bank Park.
The young man showed some elusive footwork as he pranced between security guards like a giant jackass before being zapped with god knows how many volts of searing electricity.
The kid then proceeded to go down like a sack of potatoes.
His mistake was not trespassing onto the field. It was taking it too far. Run around, try to high-five Jayson Weth, whatever.
Once you're cornered by security, you've gotta know that your time in the misplaced spotlight is over.
What did he expect was going to happen, he would show such amazing foot-speed that Charlie Manuel would sign him as a pinch running threat?
Had this kid ever watched "Cops," he surely would have known how this would end sooner or later.
If you happen to wind up on the wrong side of the foul line, get your jollies and be done with it. Once you have security on your ass, you might as well just walk off with dignity and blow a few kisses to the fans.
The young man's father commented that "he was not on drugs, he was not drinking." That's too bad. At least then he would have had an excuse.
Stuck in Purge-atory
As if the vile sight of this slob isn't enough, the story is worse.
The honorable Matthew Clemens, a resident of Cherry Hill, N.J., decided that puking on a fan and his 11-year old child would make a great gag.
As a Phillies fan, I have no words. It almost makes me ashamed to be a Phillies fan. Almost.
How the thought of inducing vomiting on oneself would even enter a normal human brain is beyond me. Clearly this is the act of a very deranged individual.
To make matters worse, the man he ralphed on was an off-duty Police Officer. I wonder how he got that black eye?
An Offer you could very Easily Refuse
Phillies fans are die-hard. Don't believe me?
Susan Finkelstein posted a Craigslist ad desperately searching for World Series tickets.
She described herself as a "gorgeous tall buxom blonde" and for that alone she should be charged with fraud.
She said the price was negotiable, and was later contacted by an undercover officer, who claims she offered to perform sex acts as payment for seats to the game.
She is not only extremely undignified, but stupid.
Did she have any idea how much two World Series tickets cost? Who in their right mind would think to themselves "well, I'd love to see a historic world series game, but I just can't resist a night with a girl who looks like a sad, wet, puppy."
I wouldn't give her tickets to my nephew's 8th grade rendition of Oklahoma for that action.
Eaton Up Inside
Phillies fans booed Adam Eaton at the World Series ring ceremony.
Uhh...I did this. Sorry Adam, but you sucked.
J.D. Drew was expected to be the next great Philadelphia Philly.
Then he decided he didn't want to play in Philly, and threw a temper tantrum until he was shipped off to St. Louis.
In his next appearance at Veterans Stadium, he was met with a chorus of boos. He also was assaulted with a hail of batteries.
Yes, while causing physical harm to J.D. Drew might be fun, killing the man probably wouldn't be.
A battery launched from the heights of the outfield could dent his pretty little skull. How did all of these fans even know to bring batteries? There was no Facebook at this time, so setting up this type of thing must have been a logistical nightmare.
These fans learned their lessons, however, when rifling through their cabinets and storage room.
"The goddamn remote is out of juice, where the hell are the... Oh. Right."
None of the projectiles even got close. This is why they are watching from the stands and not playing the hot corner.