The Top Tabloid Sports Stories of the Week
Our cracked reporters get the scoop on the real stories behind the scenes, the stories that you want to know.
Sparing no expense, we have scoured the sidelines, hockey rinks, golf courses, locker rooms, board rooms, and even bathrooms to bring you these stealth news items.
In a long awaited move, Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty confirmed today that the state legislature will fund a brand new $800,000,000 retractable roof stadium in..............Hattiesburg, Miss.
The announcement came Viking officials confirmed the team was able to secure a 125 acre parcel of farm land that a local resident was just using to bomb around on his tractor.
Churchill Downs officials in Lexington, Ky have confirmed this morning that the wrong horse was credited with victory at yesterday’s race.
The problem occurred as a result of heavy mud accumulations on the track which led to all of the horses becoming caked in mud by race’s end.
After the race was over, the hose down of the horses revealed that Super Saver, the horse credited with winning the race, was in fact Ice Box.
Officials have apologized for the mistake and are asking all persons who were wrongly paid out to return their winnings on the honor system.
Washington Capitals forward Alexander Semin, a 40 goal scorer who failed to score a single goal on 56 shots in the Capitals shocking defeat at the hands of the Montreal Canadians, recorded a hole in one at the Quail Hollow Golf Championship yesterday.
The shot, a par three, 145 yard on the 15th hole, allowed Semin to secure the last spot before the cut at the tournament.
In a related story, Capitals forward Alexander Ovechkin had a hole in one waved off by tourney officials when officials claimed he was using an illegal hockey stick on the 14th tee.
Baltimore Orioles owner Peter Angelos confirmed yesterday that he is, “very satisfied,” with the team’s 5-17 this season.
Angelos said, “ You can’t win them all, and realistically, we are comfortably on track to win 30-35 games this season.”
A 20-year-old college student who accused Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger of sexual assault his confirmed today that she is expecting a child in December.
In a statement issued to the Midgeville, Ga press, the girl also confirmed her lone sexual encounter in the past three months occurred on the night of March 6.
When asked what she intends to do, the girl stated her immediate goal is to learn how to spell the name, “Rothesburger,” correctly.
In a stunning announcement, Denver Broncos quarterback Brady Quinn announced today he is not who he claims to be.
At a news conference in Denver, Quinn stunned Broncos officials by further announcing, “I am a shape shifter and my true identity is in fact Jake Plummer.”
Immediate reaction from Broncos Head Coach Josh McDaniels was that the team will be speaking to both the league and the Cleveland Browns.
Commissioner Roger Goodell also confirmed they will investigate any improprieties in the matter, including whether Brown’s President Mike Holmgren knew that Quinn was really Jake Plummer.
After failing to make the cut at the Quail Hollow Golf Championship, sources close to golf superstar Tiger Woods have confirmed that Woods has re-entered a sex rehabilitation clinic in Pine Grove, Miss.
Unnamed sources also have stated that Tiger complained of, “too many jiggling distractions in the gallery affecting his concentration,” and that he was, “having difficulty with his woods.”
After his convincing defeat at the hands of Money Floyd Mayweather in Las Vegas on Saturday, boxer Sugar Shane Mosley has confirmed that he is done with boxing and would now like to “seek a simpler life.”
“I was getting my bell rung pretty darn good,” Mosley admitted, “and then, in the middle of the ninth round, it occurred to me that ‘I don’t have to put with this sh___. I just had a flash that I could live a simple pastoral life on the hillsides of Switzerland, maybe get me some sheep.”
In an exclusive interview with our ace tabloid reporters, Miami Dolphins GM Jeff Ireland stunned the sports world by stating, “Let’s face it, folks. We are all whores in our way. Me, you, Steven Ross, the janitor down the hall mopping the floors. We all sell ourselves for money. Pure and simple. So was my question to Dez Bryant really out of line? Not at all. No way.”
In a desperate move to protect fragile Louisiana coastal beach and wetlands, the White House confirmed today, that the Super Bowl Champion New Orleans Saints defensive starters, have been called in to “block the oil from reaching Louisiana shores.”
Saints Head Coach Sean Peyton stated, “his boys are ready to do whatever it takes to stop the surging oil slick.”
Added Saints defensive coordinator Gregg Williams, “We plan to stick with the 4-3 for maximum coverage up front, but we’ll add some blitz packages as well as run the nickel and dime formations where necessary.”
"We are saving our goal line package for the beach," added Peyton.