Reasons I Despise the Celtics

The Cavaliers Eastern Conference semifinal series with the Celtics is a double-edged sword. On one hand, I'm less than enthused to have the obnoxious, arrogant, dirty Celtics in my life for the next two weeks.

On the other hand, this is an opportunity to eliminate the loathsome gang in green and send their smug fans back to the Red Sox bangwagon.

To prove my feelings towards the Celts are not unwarranted, lets break down the reasons this team can so easily get under one's skin.

7. Glen "Big Baby" Davis

Davis plays the game with reckless abandon, which is fine, except for the fact he is very large and commands little control of all his body parts at any given time. A couple months ago it resulted in a serious hand injury to Shaq.

To make it worse, when he is not an injury risk to other players on the court (including his own teammates), he is bowling over kids sitting courtside. I guess what I'm saying is Davis should probably have to play the game covered in bubblewrap.

6. "Sneaky" Ray Allen

Allen would have you believe he is some innocent choir boy just out there to shoot some three-pointers and go back to his life helping old ladies across the street.

The minute you turn your back on him, he is delivering another elbow to Anderson Varejao's crotch. I'm not sure what about the idea of Varejao having offspring is so threatening to Allen, but In Cleveland we aren't fooled by the Eddie Haskell-act.

5. Kendrick "Pouty Face" Perkins

You may recognize the expression on Perkins's face, mainly because he wears it 75 percent of his existence. The rest of the time he is asleep. Of course I would probably be mad too if I was an NBA player who had never committed a foul, yet kept getting whistled for them.

Perkins act is borderline cartoonish. After hammering an opposing player, he'll grab the ball under his arm like a running back and stomp around the court with his pouty face. It conjures up images of a spoiled child being told he can't play his video games until he has finished his peas.

4. Rajon "The Pest" Rondo

Rondo has learned some sneaky-dirty tricks from Ray Allen, but that isn't what bothers me most. I want to know what he has on the Cavs players or Mike Brown. While most teams make Rondo settle for his mediocre jumper or pass the ball off, the Cavaliers consistently allow uncontested layups to the point guard.

Here's hoping Shaq delivers an early "message" to Rondo. No free rides in the playoffs.

3. Doc "Good Enough" Rivers

Doc Rivers is not an elite NBA coach. However, since the Cavaliers are coached by Mike Brown, they are not able to take advantage of Rivers' mistakes and he comes out smelling like a rose.

2. ANYTHING IS POBBIBLEEEEEEEEE!!!

I can't remember another athlete who transitioned from "really cool" early in his career to "utterly annoying" in the later stages so dramatically. Garnett took it to the next level last year when he was mimicking Bill Cowher's "chin face" every five minutes while sitting on the sidelines in a suit.

While he was fascinating in his early Minnesota years, everything about Boston Garnett seems contrived. He seems to be constantly performing for the cameras at opportune times. The Mount Everest of his obnoxious behavior occurred after the 2008 Finals.

In addition, he is now forced to compensate for his diminished skills with dirty "old man" tricks like clutching and grabbing.

I never would have imagined I would feel this way about KG 10 years ago, but then again, "ANYTHING IS POSSIBLEEEEEEEEEEE!!"

1. Paul "Nails" Pierce

I'll never forget talking to a buddy from Boston on the phone during the 2008 Finals when Pierce crumbled to the ground and was subsequently taken off the court in a wheelchair while wailing like an injured deer.

My friend rightly assumed Pierce was done for the series and possibly some of the following season. Then, just we were discussing it, Pierce comes hopping back onto the court with no ill effect of the "grotesque injury." IT'S A MIRACLE!

The worst part? Boston fans eat up Pierce's thespian diva act. Kevin McHale played a series with a broken foot for goodness sake! What is wrong with you beantowners?

Pierce is considered a Boston legend now; never mind the fact the Celtics mostly stunk in the nine years "Nails" was without Mr. Garnett, Mr. Allen, and Mr. Rondo.

Explain that one Pierce apologists.