I had headed over to my local Buffalo Wild Wings after work with visions of 35 cent boneless wings and a basket full of mini corndogs dancing in my head.
I needed a chance to unwind after another tough day of shuffling papers at my work desk while monitoring comments on a variety of Bleacher Report articles I had written during my mini-vacation from earlier in the week.
Little did I know, my night was just beginning.
After the hostess seated me, my server graciously took my drink order. “Coke with ice,” I said with confidence.
A variety of sporting events were playing out all around me in beautiful Hi-Def, but none were terribly interesting.
I quickly noted that B-Dub’s was a lot less fun in the middle of July than it would be in another eight weeks.
As I waited for my food, I couldn’t help but notice a pair of eyes peering in my general direction. I moved my head to make eye contact and maybe say, “hey” or something else profound.
The gazer nimbly averted my glance.
However, as I looked at the man, I took a moment to study him. He was wearing a flannel shirt (in July, no less), jeans, and cowboy boots. I also noticed he had a scruffy, grayish beard. He couldn’t have been more than 38-years old.
He looked anxious, as though he were waiting for somebody. As though he didn’t want to be caught.
But I had bigger fish to fry…er, breaded pork to eat.
The mini corndogs had arrived.
I quickly tossed the mustard for my corndogs over my shoulder. I heard a man fall and utter a curse word. I shrugged and dug in.
Then, out of nowhere, Gray Beard approached my table.
“Y’all eatin’ all those mini corndogs?” he drawled.
I looked around, thinking maybe he had a lazy eye and that perhaps I’d been caught in the crossfire—I was, um, not with anyone…
“You talkin’ to me?” I asked.
Gray Beard nodded.
“Uh, no man, have a seat,” I replied.
“Do you even know who I am?” the stranger asked as he plopped his beer down on the table.
“Honestly?” I asked.
Gray Beard shook his head affirmatively.
I lowered my voice to a whisper.
“Well, I have to admit you look a lot like a certain former Green Bay quarterback who retired after the season, decided he wanted to un-retire, then permanently retired, only to recently announce that he wanted to play, requested his unconditional release, gave a two-part interview to FOX’s Greta Van Susteren, threatened to show up at Green Bay’s training camp, announced that he wouldn’t be attending Green Bay’s training camp, and has so far refused to apply for reinstatement.”
I then took a breath. What a long sentence. Not very web-friendly, that’s for sure.
Then Gray Beard revealed his identity. “I’m Brett Favre.”
“Oh, is that the name? I hadn’t actually heard it bandied about the last week or so…” I quipped.
Just then a man wearing a purple pullover jacket with a mustard stain sat down next to me at the table.
“And you are…” I asked.
“Shut up,” the man replied.
Favre interjected. “Whoa there, Trigger. We're just hangin’ out a little.”
“That’s great, Brett, but what if we’re seen? And who’s this guy?”
I was just about to tell the bald-headed, bespectacled stranger exactly who I was when Favre cut me off.
“Chill out, man, it’s okay. No one’s here. It’s July and there’s nothin’ to watch. This is, buddy, I’m so sorry, I never caught your name…”
“Greg,” I said.
“Craig,” Favre said.
“You a member of the press?” Dome Boy asked.
“Well, I write for the Bleacher Report when I have time. I actually write mainly sports hu—“
“Favre, he writes for a website! You twit!”
“Relax, dude. Craig-o here isn’t a real journalist,” Favre said.
“Well, I don’t know about all that—” I replied.
“So what is he—some loser who writes about sports for free in his spare time?”
Favre responded, “Yeah he probably blogs from his mother’s basement...”
I was getting hammered here! “I take offense at that—”
Favre moved on. “Speaking of offense, I briefly spoke with your boy Darrell. I don’t think the Packers are going to release me unconditionally. They’re so selfish! It’s like, if they can’t have me, no one will! They’re like a psycho ex-girlfriend. I mean, get over it already…”
Then out of nowhere, I quickly put two and two together and blurted, “You’re Brad Childress! You coach the Minnesota Vikings…dude, you’re, like, really bald!”
“Shut up!” he yelled as his face (and head) turned bright red with anger.
“Wow, just really, really bald…did you ever have hair?”
He pulled a hat out of his back pocket and said, “Is that better, Nancy?”
The server set my wings down in front of me.
“Great! Wings are here! About friggin’ time!” Favre smacked his hands together and grabbed a couple of boneless wings tossed in medium sauce.
Finally, the light bulb inside my head flickered on. “It’s true!” I pointed at Childress. “You guys were tampering! I am so going to string you up by your little ba—”
Childress interrupted and poked his finger on my chest. “You’re not going to do anything, you little…”
Favre said, “Calm down, Brad. Don’t worry.”
Then the legendary quarterback looked squarely at me. “The thing I hate most about these outlandish allegations is the wording. They keep saying that Vikings officials have been accused of ‘making inappropriate contact with me’—Brad here hasn’t ever touched me anywhere I haven’t asked him too.”
Childress and I both looked at Favre like, “Dude…what...”
“I mean…you know what I mean,” he stammered.
As I got up to pay the bill, Childress said, “How ‘bout we take care of the check? Under one condition...”
“What?” I asked.
“You must never say anything to anybody about this conversation as long as you live.”
“Scout’s honor,” I said.
Poor guys…I never said I wouldn’t write it!
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2 months ago
Haha, great. Wat kind of wings were they? I go with six garlic parmesian six honey bbq along with some potato wedges with chili and cheese.
from 2 months ago
While that sounds truly excellent, Brett stole my medium wings and probably dipped into my Sweet BBQ ones as well.
from 2 months ago
What a jerk.
from 2 months ago
He just wouldn't make a decision...so he took some of both.
from 2 months ago
That seems to be the scouting report. Can't make a decision. Hopefully that doesn't hinder other aspects of his life like his football career.
2 months ago
Good article, Greg. I've been enjoying your humor peices. Keep it up.
from 2 months ago
Thanks Tyler, it's a great way to goof off during lunch, that's for sure.
2 months ago
This is good stuff man! A good break from typical articles. I really enjoyed reading it, and I can relate because I love Buffalo Wild Wings! My pick of the day!
from 2 months ago
Thanks, Samuel. Glad you enjoyed the break!
2 months ago
as an eagles fan i'm appalled that you would poke fun at brad childress..
.. as a human with eyes im forced to acknowledge that he is in fact a goofy lookin bastard.
from 2 months ago
Hey Bob, the worst part of writing the piece was poking fun at Brad Childress but I needed a hot-headed comic foil.
As for the bald thing...I'm heading that way so I don't feel to bad *wink*.
2 months ago
I always wondered why my grandson, his father and my husband thought that BWW was such a happening spot. Now the secret is out! Hey Greg, Do they habe a BWW in Montreal?
from 2 months ago
I don't think so but check this out anyway:
http://locations.buffalowildwings.com/
It really is a great place. I love the food and the atmosphere can't be beat.
Plus you can break a pretty good tampering story wide open...
2 months ago
“Shut up!” he yelled as his face (and head) turned bright red with anger.
For some reason I just can't picture Mr. Noodle...uh, Brad Childress doing that.
Awesome job, Greg!
from 2 months ago
Honestly, Andrew, I couldn't either. Thanks for the compliment.
2 months ago
Ah, the seamy underbelly of the overpriced sports bar industry...I'll never be able to look at a BDubs the same way again. Great job, Greg.
from 2 months ago
It's just the kinda town I live in, Joe. Thanks for the compliment.
2 months ago
LOL, you're too funny Greg. I wouldn't want those two after me though, for the record...
from 2 months ago
I'm just hoping that after all those Wrangler commercials, Favre hasn't learned how to rope. That could make for a very unhappy evening...
2 months ago
Nice...
2 months ago
Now B/R needs a "mystery" section to accommodate Greg's new tone ;)
from 2 months ago
I'm the Nancy Drew of B/R...wait a second, that didn't come out right...
2 months ago
ahahaha where do u get this stuff, greg??? loved it!!
from 2 months ago
I was dropped on my head as a kid...
2 months ago
Seriously what Alan said...what goes on in that head that you come up with this stuff? Keep up the good work
from 2 months ago
...and bounced several times. Thanks for the compliments, guys!
2 months ago
Greg, you are HILARIOUS! I love it!
from 2 months ago
Thanks, Ben. What are the Cards up to this weekend?
from 2 months ago
Hopefully whooping up on the Padres. They're up 4-2 right nwo.
from 2 months ago
The Reds are up on the Mets 8-6 in the 8th--making that elusive push for respectability.
from 2 months ago
Er 8-8 you mean? lol
from 2 months ago
Actually, I mean TRAILING 10-8 now *teardrop*.
Dude, we totally suck.
from 2 months ago
Dude, if Franky can't even close it down, you've got issues!
from 2 months ago
If you guys make the postseason, I'm adopting the Cards. I love Albert Pujols.
from 2 months ago
Who doesn't!? El Hombre is "the man"!!!
2 months ago
Amazing article as always! 5 stars and my POTD. Keep up the great work Greg.
from 2 months ago
Thanks Gustavo!
2 months ago
Funny, funny stuff Greg. I mean ,
"They keep saying that Vikings officials have been accused of ‘making inappropriate contact with me’—Brad here hasn’t ever touched me anywhere I haven’t asked him too.”
Childress and I both looked at Favre like, “Dude…what...”
That was priceless, I had the same thought when I read the article in the paper the other day. Is Michael Jackson in the Vikings front office now?
from 2 months ago
Glad you liked it, Jim. The "inappropriate contact" tag is generally reserved for reports on various kinds of sexual misconduct. I kept reading the AP report over and over and over, thinking "Don't they have editors over there?"
So far, I've heard no news of the Gloved One working for the Vikes--he's currently choreographing some "Disney on Ice" Peter Pan shows out near Neverland Ranch.
2 months ago
Funny article.
from 2 months ago
Thanks Matt, hope you got a laugh out of it.
2 months ago
g-man!!! Loved it!!! Why don't you adopt the tigers....oh wait...we are having trouble beating the orioles...down 4-5 in the 8th. :(
from 2 months ago
Why the heck not--I'm close to disowning the Reds...although we won tonight. Enjoy vacation!
7 days ago
this was such a fun read, thanks for sharing
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