The 10 Most Awful Team Songs in Sports History
About a week ago, Creed lead singer Scott Stapp put out a new team song for the Florida Marlins that was so mind-blowing bad and depressing that it probably single-handedly set the team back another decade.
However, it's sad to say that he's not alone in his effort to make one of the worst team songs in history. Many have come before him and many will come after. It's just one of those things we have to accept.
But if we have to accept it, at least we can laugh at it. So check out The 10 Most Awful Team Songs In Sports History.
No. 10: Canadian Olympic Hockey Team
O Canada. Oy vey, I cannot stand the country’s mournful-sounding anthem. The inventors of hockey are beaming in national pride though for beating the US in the 2010 men's finals in Vancouver, thanks to a clutch goal by Sid the Kid Crosby in OT.
If they had lost the game, however, their boastful neighbors to the South would’ve gone medieval on how a rap-rock anthem gone bad led to Gretzkyland’s demise. Either that or we would’ve all sung in harmony down here, “Blame Canada.”
No. 9: Atlanta Hawks
You're right, T. Grose and the Varsity: Nothing can stop you—except being a weak-imitation band copying the styles of Huey Lewis and the News or K.C. & The Sunshine Band.
Seeing ex-Hawks like ’Nique and Spud Webb grooving behind the bandleader doesn’t help either. Nor does the footage of former head coach Mike Fratello with his trademark 1980s mullet in the video.
No. 8: Chicago Bears
Da’ Bears annihilated the New England Patriots that year in Super Bowl XX, but the rap and the football team dancing in unity were more repressive than even Chicago’s 46 defense.
“We’re not here to cause no trouble, we’re just here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle.” Too late. You caused a lot of trouble, all right: No Super Bowl appearance since that atrocious song-and-dance bit. Oh, wait. There was a reappearance (of sorts): as a Boost Mobile Super Bowl ad in 2010...
No. 7: New York Knicks
“’94 is the Knickbocker season,” singer/rapper Jesse Jaymes boasts. Nope, they lost that year to the Houston Rockets in an NBA Finals matchup interrupted once (Game Five in New York) by national news coverage of the infamous O.J. Simpson/LAPD car chase.
So, no, the Knicks didn’t win it all in ’94, as well as 1991, 1992, 1993, 199—hell, throughout the 1990s into 2000, losing several tough series to their hated rivals (Chicago and Indiana) during that decade. Pat Riley, Charles Oakley, John Starks, and Patrick Ewing are all gone now, but the franchise needs help in returning to the glory witnessed in 1970 and 1973.
No. 6: Cincinnati Bengals
As a native of Cincinnati, as well as a Rock and Roll Hall of Fame bass guitarist for the bands of James Brown and Parliament-Funkadelic, you’d think that William Earl “Bootsy” Collins would have had more sense and entitlement in crafting a gem for his hometown team.
Instead, you get gibberish which amounted to nothing substantial for the “Who Dey” Bungles, still looking to “Icky Shuffle” their way to the Super Bowl since the 1980s. “Crank it up, fool,” Bootsy orders. No. Just turn that nonsense down. Wayyy down.
No. 5: New York Mets
“We’ve got the teamwork, to make the dream work.”
Riding on the success of their NL pennant and World Series title (not to mention Da’ Bears’ “The Super Bowl Shuffle”), Shelly Palmer decided to write this purely cracktastic song. (Sorry, Dwight “Doc” Gooden and Darryl Strawberry!)
After this song, the Mets were never to be seen in the World Series again until 2000, when the team from Queens were dominated in the Subway Series by their more famous, intrastate rivals from the Bronx (the Yankees), 4-1. Twenty-four years and counting...
No. 4: Miami Dolphins
Hey, T-Pain, Lee Offman called. He wants his song back.
Offman, the lyricist and composer of “Miami Dolphins Number One,” created the chanson for the pro football team in South Florida as an inspiration, not as a funeral song.
I thought the Bud Lite ad, which mocked Auto-Tune during the Super Bowl, gave you hints that that synthetic, high-pitched singing should be left to the Chipmunks, man.
Listen to the rap guru Jay-Z: "This is death of Auto-Tune. Moment of silence."
No. 3: Florida Marlins
Better recognized as the lead singer of the rock band Creed, Stapp truly embarrasses himself with this inspirational mumbo jumbo (“With a little faith and luck, you will soar”) and gets lazy with the lyrics.
He mentions “strikeouts” in the first verse, then comes back with “one strike, two strikes” in the second? Also, he refers to both “double plays” and a “triple play.” (Didn’t have the creative energy to mention “suicide squeeze in the South Beach breeze”?)
No wonder the team struggled to get fans and a new baseball field. It’s because people like you, Scott, fail to take the team "higher"!
No. 2: L.A./St. Louis Rams
Wow. I’m not sure if they’re talking about football or...something more “physical”. Who knows if this erotically coded “Ram Jam” would’ve made Roger Goodell red in the face and fine the team $5 million and seven draft picks for such a clever and corny stunt.
This pro football team was never feared throughout the league to ever win a Super Bowl on the West Coast when this song was written, as they later bolted Los Angeles for the “safer” confines of the Mid-West in St. Louis, where they became cooler and won a title in 1999.
No. 1: Minnesota Vikings
Almost as bad as “Diamonds and Pearls” in my opinion, the Artist Formerly Known as a Legend comes with this bile—which sounds like a weird blend of a national anthem and (pillow) fight song.
“All of the odds are in our favor” goes one lyric. Uh, yeah, the odds that the Vikings would win Super Bowl XLIV, and that this would be ranked in the Ten...Most...Awful...Team...Sports...Songs...in...the...Worrrrld! ("Countdown with Keith Olbermann" reference)
These four other songs from the 1980s belong with the rest. Definitely in the interchangeable Top 10, Top 14. Whatever. They're all awful. Repugnant. Despicable. Putrid. Stink-o-ramas. Full of sh--ah, I think you get my point.
Seattle Seahawks – “Locker Room Rock” (1985)
Philadelphia Eagles – “Buddy’s Watchin’ You” (1988)
Oakland Raiders – “Silver and Black Attack” (1986)
San Francisco 49ers – “We Are the Niners” (1988)