Fearless NFL Predictions: Ryan Matthews ROY, Dez Bryant a Bust

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Some have a third nipple, others have a symbiotic parasite residing in their chest that they've affectionately named Kuato. I, on the other hand, have a cat. His name is Mittens, and he has the gift of clairvoyance that would make Dionne Warwick ditch her psychic friends and buy a kitten.

Here are Mittens' predictions for some of the draft's top offensive players (not including linemen).

(No cats were hurt in the creation of this ridiculous article.)

Sam Bradford, QB, St. Louis Rams

Isn't he adorable! Poor Sam is going to have to hire a team of bodyguards just to keep all the cougars at bay. You know what's not so adorable? The St. Louis offense. They were putrid last year, but that could have more to do with mediocre line play and being forced to march out the disgusting duo of Bulger and Boller. Blech.

However, the Rams made some inspiring moves by drafting RT Rodger Saffold and giving Bradford a dynamic player in Mardy Gillyard, who at the very least will get the offense an extra 10-15 yards closer to pay dirt on returns.

Mittens says:

2800 yards passing
17 TD's
19 Int's

C.J. Spiller, RB, Buffalo Bills

Yet another ugly offense looking for an immediate upgrade. Enter C.J. Spiller, the draft's most dynamic talent. Buffalo didn't need a RB per se, but you can't deny the kids ability.

The Bills then went out and drafted Jimmy Cl... I mean Colt Mc.... I mean... wait, they didn't draft a franchise QB? Well they drafted a No. 1 or No. 2 WR, right? No? Ok, well at least the got themselves a LT. That will hel.... get out of here, no immediate starter at LT either!

Keep your head on a swivel, C.J. Trent will dump off to you 10 times a game—and with that sieve of an O-Line blocking for you...start looking for a chiropractor right now.

Mittens Says:
800 yards rushing
5 TD's
350 yards receiving
4 TD's

Jermaine Gresham, TE, Cincinnati Bengals

This is a much better situation for a player of Gresham's potential to begin his career. The Bengals are a relatively stable franchise, and already have the pieces in place for an electric offense. Carson Palmer is/was a Pro Bowl QB and Chad Ochocinco is legit No. 1 receiver.

The Bengals don't need the soon to be named "Uno Ocho" to be a good offense, but if he lives up to expectations, then this offense could be great. At the very least, he'll be a prominent red zone target.

Mittens Says:

45 receptions
550 yards
6 TD's

Demaryius Thomas, WR, Denver Broncos

Look at your man. Now look at him. Look at your man again. Now quick, look at him. He's on a horse. A Bronco, to be exact.

I really like this kid's potential, both as a player and with the ladies. However, I think this season, he'll catch more STD's than TD's. Most receivers have a three-year learning curve, and only the most polished and/or scheme-appropriate guys have a major impact in their rookie year.

It will take time but it should be worth it. For 2010, however...

Mittens Says:
50 receptions
625 yards
2 TD's

Dez Bryant, WR, Dallas Cowboys

In a very mischievous way, I was hoping to see Dez on the same team as Tebow. The draft's most pious prospect with the draft's biggest villain. It might have gotten biblical.

But alas, Bryant ends up in perhaps the best place for him. Jerry Jones' Home for Wayward Youth, otherwise known as the Dallas Cowboys.

In spite of all this kid's potential, i think this move has BUST written all over it. He just doesn't seem to be focused on football. He can't even remember to bring his cleats to his pro day!

Mittens Says:
35 receptions
400 yards
1 TD
1 DUI

Tim Tebow, QB, Denver Broncos

—"I love Jesus thiiiiiiiiiis much!"

Indeed. Well, you'll love you some Josh McDaniels then, because he thinks he's the second coming.

Tough player to guess stats-wise. He won't play a lot of QB, not with Orton and Quinn on the team. But he could be used in Option or Single-Wing formations as the QB/RB, or line up on the inside as a TE. Regardless, we should see a lot of Tebow, just not in the pocket.

Mittens Says:
150 yards passing
1 TD
2 INT's
350 yards rushing
2 TD's
250 yards receiving
1 TD

Jahvid Best, RB, Detroit Lions

The Lions are suddenly a very sexy team after all their free-agent acquisitions and two high-profile picks in the draft. By the end of the season, Jahvid might just be the Best in his rookie class.

A patient and balanced runner, he burst through holes with abandon and if he breaks a tackle or two...six points for No. 4. Nevertheless, he falls short of the Offensive ROY award to the next player in this slide show.

Mittens Says:

1100 yards rushing
7 TDs
350 yards receiving
3 TD's
1 return TD

Ryan Matthews, RB, San Diego Chargers

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Ryan Matthews. Your 2010 Offensive ROY.

San Diego knows they are a reliable running game away from a Super Bowl run. Enter Mr. Matthews. With the highly efficient Charger O-Line and prolific passing attack, this young man has the potential to have a monster rookie year—similar, in fact, to the one his predecessor had in 2001.

Mittens Says:

1250 yards rushing
12 TDs
200 yards receiving
2 TD's