2008 MLB All-Star Game: I Am Billy Wagner's Lack of Concern For The Common Man

o iJul 15, 2008

It is 1:40 AM. I have just finished watching the entire All-Star Game, including the player introductions, mindless pregame drivel from Buck and McCarver, and parts of the utterly useless parade down Sixth Ave.

So excuse me if this post includes subtle hints of anger and irritation. I would rather give myself paper cuts while running on hot coals and being raped by a baby kangaroo before enduring another game like the one on which I just wasted FIVE HOURS. Okay, maybe not the kangaroo part. But paper cuts and hot coals? Hell and yes.

Every notable moment in this game was designed to frustrate me more than a priest at an elementary school. Curse my unexplainable need to watch games all the way to the bitter end. There is nothing I can point to and say, "Well at least I had the privilege of seeing that."

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Nope, just 15 innings of blown chances and Joe Buck, ending on Michael Young's lazy sac fly to right. And for that, I blame Billy Wagner. The least-deserving All-Star of all time needed to record just one out, but apparently that was a bit too difficult. It's only his job. Instead, Wagner gave up a single to Grady Sizemore and gift-wrapped second for him.

From then on, it was only a matter of time before Longoria came through with the game-tying hit. In 12 pitches, my night went from relaxing and enjoyable to a life-sucking test of my survival instinct.

So, thank you, Billy Wagner, I'm sure all of New York looks forward to your presence in the second half. For those who were in favor of retaining their desire to live and didn't see the whole game, here's a rundown of the notable moments:

45 whole minutes of pregame "festivities," including the introductions of all the HOFers present at each position. Yogi Berra's ears have expanded to become a separate entity.
FOX's increasingly unbearable ads for their latest show to be canceled after two weeks, The Fringe. Likely caused hundreds of seizures with its strobe light presentation of about 15 different things/people blowing up. As you can see, FOX is really branching out.
Matt Holliday's home run in the fifth to break the scoreless tie. At this point, the game was halfway entertaining. That would change. It was Holliday's first ASG hit.
Yankee fans cheering J.D. Drew after he hit a game-tying home run off Edinson Volquez. Those New York fans, they're so supportive. Just big ol' softies.
Chants of "Over-rated" rain down on Jonathan Papelbon in response to his blown-out-of-proportion comments regarding who should close the game for the AL. Spoiler: The point would be decidedly moot. The dancing white man gives up an unearned run to make it 3-2.
Billy Wagner. Fu*k.
Dan Uggla, bringer of all things terrible, makes two consecutive errors to load the bases with no outs.
Aaron Cook saves the day, inducing three straight groundballs to preserve the tie.
Miguel Tejada's great play on the third ground ball, a dribbler that the shortstop charged and threw on the run, barely nipping the runner.
Christian Guzman's stellar performance at third base. The natural second baseman recorded the other two outs of that inning.
The rest of Uggla's snakebitten night: 0-3 with three K's and another error in the 13th.
J.D. Drew's stolen base in the 13th, the ASG record seventh total swipe of the game.
Carlos Quentin's extremely audible "Fu*k!" after striking out with Drew in scoring position.
Nate McLouth's game-saving throw from center field to gun down Dioner Navarro at home.
Me resorting to reading Tucker Max's tales of douchebaggery in order to stay awake as we entered the 15th inning.
Bud Selig breathing easy after Morneau's score avoids a potential tie situation and media field day.

That is all. Major League Baseball owes me at least five hours of my life back. Props to CTC at Walkoff Walk for valiantly live-blogging the entire debacle. This was truly a Midsummer Mistake.