2008 MLB All-Star Game Gets Off to Late Start

FOX’s coverage of the 2008 MLB All-Star Game began with a parade.

And then proceeded to amble along like one.

In a pregame ceremony that seemingly had everything sans Ted Williams’ frozen head, FOX and MLB trotted out an overblown, ‘roided-out version of pregame fun that could have lasted into the next millennium, had cooler heads not prevailed.

“I was actually getting tired of announcing every player to lace up a pair of cleats in the 20th Century,” Joe Buck quipped as he popped the top of his favorite chilled beverage.

“It was like a marathon, only Joe had to run his mouth for hours on end,” a depleted Tim McCarver mused.

With things working like, um, sundial-work, Sheryl Crow began her campfiry version of the "Star-Spangled Banner" at approximately 8:30.

In the morning.

Wednesday, July 16.

“I guess we got a little carried away. George Mitchell was so good at getting most of his investigation written off that we were flush with a little extra cash. The only thing I regret is that we couldn’t have made it even longer. Although we did manage to dig up Hank Steinbrenner’s daddy to throw out the first pitch…” a wistful Bud Selig said.

Texas Ranger slugger Josh Hamilton found it difficult to keep loose.

“I was already a little sore after smacking 28 homers in one round of the Home Run Derby, only to still lose to a guy who hit fewer homers than I did overall. But that pregame ceremony...holy cow, as Phil Rizzuto used to say. I stretched at 7:45 p.m., 11 p.m., 2:30 a.m. and for the last time at 4 a.m. Then I went to sleep. They were just then getting around to the highlights from the 1955 World Series. I didn’t need to see that.”

Cincinnati Reds ace Edinson Volquez was waiting in the wings as a potential last-hour starter, as NL starter Ben Sheets had already thrown three simulated games prior to his first pitch.

Volquez spoke to the press, but with no one there to translate, let’s just say it was difficult to get a good quote.

Here’s a sampling of just how long the pregame went on:

Yogi Berra managed to string together two fairly coherent sentences.

AL Manager Terry Francona shaved his head. Twice.

Tim McCarver applied Just for Men to his hair. Twice.

Kevin Youkilis trimmed his goatee. Twice.

Ken Griffey Jr. announced his retirement from baseball, recanted his desire to retire, retired again, came back to baseball again—stating he had an “itch” to play baseball—asked for his unconditional release from the Cincinnati Reds, demanded a trade and finally decided he’d like to stay in Cincinnati—but only if he could start in right.

The author’s eight-month old son, though barely crawling at the beginning of the festivities, learned to walk and made Daddy a milkshake three minutes before Cliff Lee’s 147th pitch of the night—the first official pitch of the game.

Justin Goar managed to tear himself away from NCAA 09 long enough to write a college football article.

Yankee Stadium went from smelling like one big public toilet to about 30.

And finally, A-Rod left Madonna for Cher and eventually Patti LaBelle.

Now if you don’t mind, I’m going to start some bacon and eggs and enjoy the rest of the game. Go National League!

Which is quickly becoming the Senior Citizen Circuit, by the way.

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