2010 NFL Mock Draft: Movie Character Edition
With the NFL Draft coming up this Thursday, my friend Michael "The Italian Stallion" Secret and I decided to do a mock draft.
But unlike what everyone else is doing, we decided that ours would be what movie characters would go where in this year's draft.
So take a look, give some feedback, and be ready for our basketball one later.
1. STL - Shane Falco, QB, The Replacements
Despite his shortcomings in the Sugar Bowl a while back, Falco brings a lot to the table to the Rams who are desperately in need of a quarterback.
Not only does he have a howitzer for a left arm, he is surprisingly mobile. But his greatest asset is his leadership. Even on a team of nobody's, Falco can produce a winner, so there's no reason to think he can't do the same thing with St. Louis.
2. DET - Billy Bob, OL, Varsity Blues
The Lions are in need of help along the O-Line. Who better to fill that hole than a 380-pound Billy Bob.
A standout lineman at West Caanan High School, Billy Bob was a run-blocking machine. On the downside, he needs some help in pass protection, as evident by when the Coyotes' starting quarterback got his leg shattered by Billy Bob's lack of pass protection.
Also, he's one concussion away from dying.
3. TB - Ivory Christian, DE, Friday Night Lights
He didn't grab the most headlines for Permian, but Gary Gaines' star defensive lineman is more than ready to help start curing the defensive woes of the Buccaneers.
A threat on passing and running downs, he also has great ability to drop into coverage like he did in the 6-A state championship game against Dallas Carter.
Ivory's also versatile enough to play anywhere on the defensive line and could be a DeMarcus Ware-type linebacker.
He is also a great team leader and can lead the team in prayer.
4. WSH - Charlie Tweeder, WR, Varsity Blues
If Donovan McNabb thought he had trouble dealing with T.O. in Philly, he hasn't seen anything yet.
Charlie Tweeder, our second West Caanan alum in the draft, definitely has some character issues. He has spent some time in jail and has a penchant for removing clothing and stealing cop cars, in no particular order.
Despite his Hollywood attitude, he mixes his great speed with the ability to get open whenever he wants and should be a great compliment to Santana Moss in the Washington passing game.
5. KC - Boobie Miles, HB, Friday Night Lights
Out of the plain of West Texas, Boobie Miles emerges as the top running back prospect in this 2010 NFL Draft.
Despite some character issues and tearing everything in his knee in his senior year, Miles has rebounded with impressive combine workouts and has appeared to rededicate himself to the game.
He can play left, he can play right, don't make no difference. He can block, tackle, score the touch down, snap the ball, and kick the extra point. Hell, the boy will fill up the Gatorade cooler, walk the dog, and paint your back porch. In other words, he can plain outplay football.
......And he can pass
6. SEA - Ronnie 'Sunshine' Bass, QB, Remember the Titans
A classic USC style quarterback, Ronnie Bass is a great choice to be understudy for Matt Hasselbeck at for the Seahawks.
Throwing with a lazy left, Bass has the accuracy, running ability, leadership skills, and flowing golden locks of hair to be a future Pro Bowler.
A downside to Bass is his unproven arm strength. Also, lets see him try to kiss Walter Jones and walk away from it in once piece.
7. CLE - Jimmy Sanderson, WR, Any Given Sunday
An explosive wideout from the Miami Sharks, Sanderson uses his athletic ability and pure speed to leave defensive backs in the dust. Known for his clutch catches, Sanderson is a deep threat to be reckoned with and will provide the Browns with a compliment to super-athlete Josh Cribbs. Also can run the Wildcat.
Downside is route running and ability to hold down food prepared by coaches wives.
8. OAK - Switowski, DL, The Longest Yard
When asked about the hulking Switowski in a press interview, Al Davis praised him by saying that "He keeps eggs in his shoe and feeds my bushes soup. Zoltan!"
Despite Davis being bat-shit insane, Switowski is a proven freak of nature. Standing at a massive 6'7 and weighing in at 290 of solid dark chocolate muscle. Run stopper by nature, he needs to work on his footwork and pass rush.
Also, don't call him the N-word. He was in prison for a reason.
9. BUF - Paul Crewe, QB, The Longest Yard
Buffalo needs some stability at the quarterback position and Paul "Motley" Crewe is a perfect fit for the offense.
Crewe shows an ability to move the pocket and ALREADY has two NFL MVP awards on his shelf.
Things Crewe needs to work on are his downfield accuracy, driving better while intoxicated, and showing better decision making when asked to shave points
10. JAX - Deacon Moss, WR, The Longest Yard
A late addtion to the Mean Machine squad, Moss quicky became Paul Crewes go-to target.
Not the quickest reciever in the draft, Moss has a Michael Irvin-esque ability to find the rock over the middle. He can also jump out of the building and had a complete handle on the hefty playbook of the Mean Machine.
11. DEN - Clifford Franklin, WR, The Replacements
Franklin shows explosive speed off the line of scrimmage and can get open on nearly any play. It's what happens after he gets open that has some NFL general managers worried.
Clifford has a lot of trouble hauling even the easiest passes that are thrown his way.
This seems like the logical pick for the Broncos after the departure of star Brandon Marshall and also brings Denver an emotional lift with a rags to riches story that we haven't seen since Kurt Warner.
12. MIA - Rod Tidwell, WR, Jerry Maguire
A receiver who can get a little egocentric at times. Tidwell can definitely back up his talk off the field with his great play on it.
The pick will give the Dolphins, who just added Brandon Marshall, a great 1-2 duo for young quarterback Chad Henne in the passing game.
13. SF - Brian Chavez, DB, Friday Night Lights
The 49ers need a savior in the secondary and Brian Chavez is the best possible choice.
An honor student and standout corner at Permian High School, Chavez makes up for his lack of height with great coverage technique and punishing hits. In the mold of Bob Sanders, Chavez makes it a point to bring the contact and relishes in going up against bigger players.
Needs to add some weight and improve his speed. Still, this Harvard-educated prospect is too good to pass up.
14. SEA - Hank Hill, RB, King of the Hill
With legs like a jackrabbit and hips like ball-bearings, the "Arlen Hammer" Hank Hill can provide the spark needed to ignite the Seahawks running game.
Hill hits the outside corner like a man with his tail on fire. Fire, of course, from clean burning propane. The fastest RB in the draft, he runs with the feverish style of Barry Sanders. Also shows good ability to catch passes.
Needs to devote more time to pass blocking and physical running. Tends to sometimes shy away from contact due to an ankle injury that cost his team the Texas state championship. Still, one hell of a pick, I'll tell ya what.
15. NYG - Jumbo Fumiko, OL, The Replacements
The Giants once dominate front is starting to show some wear. The perfect cure for this is a healthy 430lb dose of Japans No. 1 sumo wrestler turned NFL prospect.
Fumiko is a throwback mauler on the offensive line. Shows great ability to fit up and run block, which is an essential aspect in clearing the way for the Giants ground game.
Weak spots are pass protection, trap blocks, and throwing up stinky sushi vomit on the field.
16. TEN - Rudy Ruettiger, DL, Rudy
In need of some depth on the defensive line, the Tennessee Titans pick up something that will not only improve their depth, but they now have a new fan favorite in the Notre Dame product.
With a name that is very simple to chant, Rudy brings a lot of heart as well as talent to the TItans organization.
He graded out well on the Wunderlich and had some great workouts at his pro day. Ruettiger shows an uncanny ability to sniff out screens and is a great student of the game.
He can lack motivation at times if he is not pumped by the CSC Staff at LP Field in Nashville.
17. SF - Louie Lastik, OL, Remember the Titans
With a mixture of girth and soul power, Lastik anchored a T.C. Williams offensive line and now will move on to anchor the 49ers up front.
A big man with deceptively quick feet, Louie is a great pass blocker and should be able to protect the blind side of former first overall pick Alex Smith.
One worry you have to have with Lastik is his weight, which seems to increase by 30 pounds each year and strength might also lead you to worry.
In his senior year at T.C. Williams he wasn't even able to carry teammate Gerry Bertier's mother on his back.
18. PIT - Rudy Zolteck, OL, Little Giants
A surprise pick this early in the draft, Zolteck won't need to come in and produce as much right away on an already established Pittsburgh offensive line.
The thing that won the Steelers' front office over was his ability to clear out the entire defensive line with just one rancid demon fart.
When asked by ESPN draft expert Mel Kiper Jr. about Zolteck's 40-time, Art Rooney said, "I don't have a sundial, get back to me later."
19. ATL - Julius Campbell, DE, Remember the Titans
He was the heart of the T.C. Williams defense and Julius Campbell should be able to step in and have a great impact for the Atlanta defensive line.
Showing great speed, agility, and the ability to shed blocks, Campbell can be effective both with his hand down in the dirt on the line and possibly at linebacker.
20. HOU - Bill Fontaine De la Tour Dauterive, DL, King of the Hill
With Mario Williams attacking the quarterbacks blindside, Fontaine De la Tour Dauterive aka "The Bill Dozer" provides the perfect compliment to play the run and clean up Williams garbage in the defensive line
Grading out highly in explosion, hand quickness, and ability to shed blocks, Dauterive also understands the fundamental aspects of the game despite being surprisingly divorceable. Extremely athletic, he also played some fullback at Arlen High and provided the Thunder to Hank Hills Lightning in the Arlen ground attack
Possible downsides with Dauterive are off the field issues, such as his record 45 suicide attempts.
21. CIN - Bobby Boucher, LB, The Waterboy
In need of a downhill linebacker and hydration engineer, Cincinnati had to look no further than the bayou to pick up this special linebacker prospect
Setting an NCAA record for sacks, Boucher also displays surprising athletic ability when he saw some time as QB during the Bourbon Bowl.
He shows all around ability as a linebacker, He can rush the passer, play the run, and drop back into coverage. Considered by many to be the top linebacker in the draft.
His weaknesses are his inability to set up a defense and the fact that he is profoundly retarded. Also, needs a comparison between water and Gatorade to become motivated.
22. NE - Brian Murphy, TE, The Replacements
Murphy has the size, strength, speed, and pass catching ability that makes a tight end a top-20 pick. The one thing that caused him to drop as far as he did is the fact that he has trouble hearing.
And when I say has trouble hearing, I mean he can't hear at all.
But the Patriots decided to take the risk and select the former Sentinel with hopes that he will be able to learn the offense and make an impact in the passing game.
23. GB - Danny Bateman, LB, The Replacements
One thing that the Packers have been missing is that character that brings a different personality to the team and at the same time make all fans and opposing players fear their lives when he losses it.
Bateman, a Gulf War veteran and Washington, D.C. SWAT team member, brings just that to this team.
He's explosive and can get through the line with ease, partly because of the craziness, and he should be able to come in to make an impact rather quickly for the Packers.
24. PHI - Vince Papale, WR, Invincible
What the Eagles need is heart, especially after the loss of do-everything QB Donovan McNabb. No one has more heart than former down-and-out bartender Vince Papale.
Despite his lack of height, weight, and talent, Papale deserves a spot in the draft. He graded out extremely well in moxie, guts, initiative, heart, and never-say-dieness.
25. BAL - Rashid
After being cut by the Cowboys, Hanon showed some spectacular off-season work ethic and earned himself a spot in the first round.
Extremely quick and versatile, he shows willingness to go over the middle as well as go deep. Provided the winning spark in the Giants upset with over the Cowboys. As long as he has stickum on his hands, Hanon can catch anything thrown at him and will be the perfect hot read target for Joe Flacco.
26. ARZ - Petey Jones, DB, Remember the Titans
One of the more versatile players in the draft, the Cardinals walk away with a great steal at this point in the first round with Jones.
Petey, who was converted by coach Herman Boone from running back to defensive back, shows great quickness and is able to shift directions quickly and can keep receivers in front of him like no other prospects in the draft can.
The Cardinals, who are also lacking some depth at running back might even be able to use him on the offensive side of the ball and on special teams.
27. DAL - Earl Wilkinson, DB, The Replacements
After having to change his name to Ray Smith a few years ago, Wilkinson is back and ready to restore himself to a household name again.
Like Paul Crewe, Wilkinson has had great success on the field but has his fair share of troubles off the field (he assaulted a police officer), but Dallas should be the right team to take a risk on a defensive back who has had off-the-field issues before (see Pac-Man Jones).
A former all-pro, Wilkinson has a lot of speed and can punish any receiver brave enough to go across the middle on him with some big hits.
28. SD - Donald Madlock, DL, Gridiron Gang
Personally trained by former Miami Hurricane, Dwyane Johnson (The Rock), Donald Madlock has gone from "thuggin gangbanger" to first round draft pick. Showing impressive quickness for his size, Madlock is a competent run and pass defender. He also shows the ability to play any position on the line due to his athletic ability.
Has a hard time staying low against good competition and needs to work a bit on footwork.
29. NYJ - Gerry Bertier, LB, Remember the Titans
Well rounded linebacker with NFL size and speed, Bertier is perfectly suited to handle the hefty defensive playbook required to be a part of the stout Rex Ryan defense.
A high school all-American, his stock drastically went down after a horrible car crash that left him paralyzed from the waist down. After winning gold medals in the Special Olympics, he he used stem-cell therapy to rehab his injury and landed himself in the late first round of this years draft.
30. MIN - Jonathan Moxon, QB, Varsity Blues
Whether Brett Favre comes back this year or not, the Vikings will need to start grooming their quarterback of the future.
Moxon is this guy. After his childhood friend Lance Harbor went down to injury early their senior year at West Caanan, Moxon, just like Matt Cassel did with Tom Brady, stepped into the starting lineup for the first time and shined.
A pioneer of the highly popular spread offense, Moxon brings all the intangibles that it takes to be a successful NFL quarterback.
His strengths include accuracy, thinking on the go, and noticing holes in opposing defenses.
Mox's big weakness, however, is a girl with a whipped cream bikini.
31. IND - Andre (& Jamal) Jackson, OL, The Replacements
Always making great decisions in the draft, the Colts front office does it again.
What's better than drafting one offensive lineman with the potential to be all-pro? Getting two offensive lineman with the potential to be all-pro WITH ONE PICK.
The Jacksons have previous experience as bodyguards and they should have a pretty easy time with their new job of being the bodyguards to the best quarterback in the NFL.
They have the size and agility to be great linemen in the future in this league and this might be THE steal of the first round.
32. NO - Becky
Receiving criticism due to size and the fact that she is a prepubescent girl, Becky O'Shea went into draft workouts with a chip on her shoulder.
Showing impressive ability to read an offense and zone out distractions such as her crush for Junior, she is guaranteed to play at pro bowl level at least once a month.