NBA Playoff Picks & the First Annual Dunleavy Awards

Tyler ConwayApr 16, 2010

I had been struggling with this blog for a couple of weeks. I knew I needed some way to assess the NBA season, but I couldn’t find it. Nothing about this NBA season should spark any debate. LeBron James is the MVP and anyone who thinks otherwise has the IQ of an average Special Olympics contestant. Seriously. That’s not the only thing that’s predictable, though: Tyreke Evans is the Rookie of the Year, Jamal Crawford is the Sixth Man of the Year, Scottie Brooks is the Coach of the Year, Aaron Brooks will win the Most Improved Player (even though Kevin Durant deserves it), and Dwight Howard is going to run away with his second consecutive Defensive Player of the Year Award.

Other than my personal pick of Kevin Durant for Most Improved Player, I cannot disagree with any of the award winners this year. So what in the blue hell am I supposed to talk about?

TOP NEWS

New York Knicks v Cleveland Cavaliers - Game Three

The playoffs are just going another wash of predictable match-ups which will create a predictable, yet cum-fiesta ratings bonanza Cavs-Lakers NBA Finals match-up, the outcome of which really isn’t in much jeopardy. So if I wrote about that, it would consist of about twenty words (hypothetically: “The Cavs are hungrier, are more unified, and are led by the best player in the game. Cavs win in six.) And I already spent 4,000 words tackling the free-agent class of 2010 and another 4,000 debating Chris Bosh’s departure so that’s out, too.

Once again, I was at a crossroads and was even considering skipping the end of the NBA season until, for some strange reason, Mike Dunleavy popped into my head. As all of my fellow fifteen Clippers fans know, the first thing you think of when someone mentions the word Dunleavy is how much he sucks. Royally, epically, monumentally sucks. In fact, if they created a Mount Rushmore of Suck, he would be the inspiration.

Just before I began frothing at the mouth while thinking about Dunleavy’s six and a half years in Clipperland, I realized something: A lot of sucking has happened this NBA season. The Nets damn near made a run at imperfection, Rasheed Wallace made a run to the bank then decided to stop running altogether, and a poor college co-ed made a run from a bathroom to escape Big Ben’s little Ben. Sorry, wrong sport. But never in my lifetime have I seen such a concrete divide between the top and the bottom of the league. So this year, much like in my sex life, I’ve decided to honor the bottom. And to honor the bottom, I have created my own of awards and named them after their inspiration: Mike Dunleavy.

“So without further ado, the first annual Dunleavy Awards!!!”

“Foot in the Mouth” Award (Team & Player) (for the team/player who has made me look like a jackass based on my preseason predictions)

Player:
Nominees: Tyreke Evans (for saying he’d suck) , Brandon Jennings (ditto), Gilbert Arenas (for saying he’d play in all 82 games), Marvin Williams (for saying he’d be an All-Star)
And the Dunleavy Goes to…..Tyreke Evans
Reasoning: I always say do not ridicule others unless you can ridicule yourself. So this is me ridiculing myself: Not only did Tyreke shut me up, he bound me, gagged me, and did everything they do in those weird S&M porno movies short of fucking me. Evans is an absolute beast and I was dead wrong in saying he’d never be a superstar. I may have been correct in saying he’ll be the best player on a multitude of bad Kings teams, but Tyreke is the reason the Kings won more than ten games this season.

Team:
Nominees: Milwaukee Bucks (Pre-Season Wins Projection: 21), Memphis Grizzlies (Wins Projection: 29), Philadelphia 76ers (Wins Projection: 44), Los Angeles Clippers (Wins Projection: 44)
And the Dunleavy Goes to…..the Milwaukee Bucks
Reasoning: Well, obviously, because they more than doubled my projected win total and made me look like a total buffoon. Many people that read this will also clamor for Brandon Jennings to win the Player version of this award. I still say my projection for Jennings is on target – a me-first, low-percentage shot taking, head-case in the mold of Stephon Marbury. In spite of Jennings shooting just 37% from the field, Milwaukee still won 46 games. Foot, meet mouth.

Jerome James Award (for the player who signed the most inexplicable off-season contract only now it looks a thousand times worse)
Nominees: Charlie Villanueva (five years, $35 million), Ben Gordon (five years, $55 million), Hedo Turkoglu (five years, $53 Million), Marcin Gortat (five years, $34 million)
And the Dunleavy Goes to…..Hedo Turkoglu
Reasoning: It really came down to a choice between the two largest contracts on this one. Gordon’s scoring dropped by almost seven points a game while Hedo chose the Toronto night life over his own team. I hated both of these signings when they happened, and hate them more now. When it comes down to it, Turkoglu’s contract is worse because he’s four years older and has already passed his peak. Gordon could very easily rebound score 25 PPG next year. Turkoglu is done.

Don Draper Award (for the executive most likely to be performing their job drunk)
Nominees: Joe Dumars (Pistons), Ed Stefanski (76ers), David Kahn (T’Wolves), Ernie Grunfeld (Wizards)
And the Dunleavy Goes to…..Joe Dumars
Reasoning: Choosing this award was like having a girlfriend put four Kate Hudson movies in front of you and telling you to pick one. After about fifty minutes of dissecting the plots and looking for any shred of manhood in the movies, you realize that the movies are so equally, yet unbelievably horrible that you just close your eyes and pick one. When I closed my eyes, and pointed, I came up with the man who spent $90 million last off-season on two players who made a combined 33 starts this season. Works for me.

Domonique Wilkins Award (for the superstar surrounded by such trash you’d swear it came out of the “Jersey Shore” house)
Nominees: Tyreke Evans, Chris Paul, Danny Granger, Chris Bosh
And the Dunleavy Goes to…..Chris Paul
Reasoning: Cheap ownership, horrible management, bad coaching, you name it, Chris Paul has it in New Orleans. To make matters worse, the team’s second best player plays Paul’s position! It’s gotten so bad in the Bayou state that “experts” are beginning to make the argument that Deron Williams is better than Chris Paul. I mean, I love Deron, but as Ochocinco would say…child please. If I was Donnie Walsh, I would be calling Jeff Bower on a daily basis trying to bring CP3 to New York. You’re telling me having the best alley-oop throwing point guard in the NBA wouldn’t be more enticing to LeBron than Joe Johnson? That’s what I thought.

Kate from “LOST” Award (for worst performance by a player on a contender)
Nominees: Rasheed Wallace, Shaquille O’Neal, Mike Bibby, Richard Jefferson
And the Dunleavy Goes to…..Rasheed Wallace
Reasoning: Much like Kate from “LOST”, Rasheed is in a show on its last legs that’s trying to pull one big final run out of its nucleus. Much like “LOST” fans, Celtics fans groan everytime they see Rasheed Wallace on their screen. And the place where Kate and Rasheed are most alike is also the saddest: They both have ample bosoms. In case you did not know, Rasheed is a man, Kate is a woman. Bill Simmons did a great job ripping ‘Sheed a new asshole in his column last week, so I’ll stop piling on here.

Michael Olowokandi Award (for worst performance by a lottery pick)
Nominees: Terrance Williams, Hasheem Thabeet, Earl Clark, Ricky Rubio
And the Dunleavy Goes to…..Hasheem Thabeet
Reasons: Ricky Rubio didn’t even play in the NBA this season and he was more effective than Thabeet. Already 23, you have to wonder how much the number two overall pick can even improve. Hell, even Olowokandi started 36 games in his rookie season. Considering Memphis passed on Evans and Curry to draft Thabeet makes the pick even more deplorable. To make matters worse, Memphis has already totally given up on him. If there’s any good news that taken out of that it’s if Chris Wallace gives up on him, he’s almost assuredly going to be a future Hall of Famer.

“Two and a Half Men”Award (for the team who most everyone thinks is good, but ultimately sucks big donkey balls)
Nominees: Boston Celtics, Orlando Magic, Dallas Mavericks, Phoenix Suns
And the Dunleavy Goes to….. the Orlando Magic
Reasoning: “Two and a Half Men” is one of the highest rated shows on television, but anyone with an IQ over seven knows it is a formulaic, steaming pile of crap. While Orlando certainly isn’t a pile of crap, they certainly are not a title contenders, either. I said it the pre-season, and I will continue to say it now, Vince Carter is just simply not going to the NBA Finals. If and when he does find the fortitude to put a team on his back in crunch-time and leads them to the promised land, I’ll write a 5,000 word apology and bow to the greatness of Vinsanity. Don’t hold your breath on those 5,000 words, Magic fans.

Eddy Curry Award (Least Valuable Player)
Nominees: Rasheed Wallace, Gilbert Arenas, Hedo Turkoglu, Greg Oden
And the Dunleavy Goes to…..Gilbert Arenas
Reasons: Everyone seems to have forgotten about the artist formerly known as Agent Zero. Not me. Not only did he singlehandedly destroy the Washington Wizards organization, but he also hurt 27 of the other 29 teams in the NBA by forcing Ernie Grunfeld into trading Caron Butler, Antawn Jamison, and Brendan Haywood. In acquiring Butler and Haywood, the Mavericks became instant title contenders and acquiring Jamison put the cherry on the top of Cleveland’s NBA title sundae. Gilbert’s stupidity may make him the MVP in Dallas and Cleveland, but it also makes him the LVP in 28 other locker-rooms.

Mike Dunleavy Lifetime Achievement Award

Since this is the first annual Dunleavy Awards, I would be remiss in mentioning that the namesake of these awards lost his NBA coaching life this year. And, much like the Oscars, I thought it was only right to pay tribute to the man whose suckery made these awards possible. If you find yourself getting teary eyed during this little picture montage, I know just where to find a plethora of $50 suits.

Without further ado, former Lakers, Bucks, Blazers, and Clippers head coach, Mike Dunleavy