Next in line, please.
We are proud to announce our annual "Ortified Spring Seasonal Sale".
The list of past satisfied customers comprise an elite group; now looking to induct their newest member.
Step forward, Jack Swagger.
We'd like to ask you a few questions.
Are you considered to be "new talent"?
Have you accomplished considerably less than your next opponent, with the hopes of capitalizing off of his star-power?
Do you need to be "pushed" in an effort to legitimize your recent accomplishments?
Well, we have just the right man in stock for you, with a past track-record of satisfying many happy customers.
Just ask Kofi Kingston, Ted DiBiase, or Cody Rhodes (provided he's conscious), all of whom have been recipients of the honor that we have scheduled to be bestowed upon you at Extreme Rules .
What we have for you Mr. Swagger is…the viper.
Imagine if you will, being granted the opportunity to main-event with a future Hall of Famer.
Visualize the crowd delivering strong heat—more for their adoration of your opponent than your skills specifically, but nevertheless willing to provide you that which all heels treasure: The opportunity to be booed.
But that's not all.
Imagine the satisfaction of playing the role of the "underdog" only to walk away triumphant at the expense of your superior.
That's right, Mr. Swagger; but you have to keep the following information confidential until the conclusion of our next pay-per-view.
We would like for you to retain the World Heavyweight Championship against “the great salesman” at Extreme Rules .
Orton is a certified salesman who lacks the need for metallic fixtures to legitimize his role with the company; but you Mr. Swagger, must experience the retention of that which we have already awarded you.
Without it, you're just the "All-American" mid-card.
But we'd like for you to be more.
You see, we exist in an industry where our championships serve more as a great "tool" than a great representation of sports entertainment superiority.
Just ask Shawn Michaels.
While he has provided for us one "match of the year” after another, we have decided to reward the likes of JBL, The Great Khali, and Sheamus, who, like you, Mr. Swagger, stood to benefit from "the great tool".
We'll send Randy Orton our apologies.
We've already rewarded him with a "face-turn," so he is again due to repay our generosity by delivering to you the greatest gift of all.
Now, we cannot promise you a "clean" victory, as we don't want to upset the millions of Ortonites too much, but we can tell you with relative certainty that you are next on the list to become one of Randy Orton's many satisfied customers.