Gregg Zaun is a hilarious human being
He may not necessarily be a person who should start for a professional baseball team—at all, but the Milwaukee Brewers' brand new catcher is probably one of the more entertaining members of the organization.
This crazy awesome picture of him holding a huge fish is just one example of his uncanny ability to entertain.
He is Rob Deer
Of all the great sports stories of the past few years, Rob Deer's return to baseball at the age of 50, with a different name and at a completely new position, might be the most shocking of all.
Gregg's got that whole shaggy mullet, stupid facial hair, baggy uniform, dopey-face-look down to a tease.
And if there's a baseball town that can fall in love with that, it's certainly Milwaukee.
Welcome back, Rob.
He Has His Own Glamoury Promotional Website
And there's a ton of awesome flash artwork all over the place in there! The introduction is a freaking silhouette of Zoro, slashing a Z onto your computer screen while a Rush song plays in the background!
The page is plastered with some ridiculous catch phrases, "Bring Your Z-Game," as if
a) that were clever, and
b) anyone ever aspired to be as good at baseball as Gregg Zaun. He also has glamor shots and pictures of all kinds of worthless memorabilia that he tries to sell on eBay.
Overall internet experience rating at GreggZaun.com: A++
HE HAS A FAN CLUB, THEY WEAR FACE PAINT
Like eight or nine super bored drunk guys used to come to Blue Jays games wearing face paint and holding spray painted signs. They called themselves the Zaunbies and cheered Gregg onto probably his best seasons, in which he set career highs for home-runs, first 11, then 12, and hovered around a .250 batting average while allowing a fairly high percentage of base-runners to steal second.
As you can see in the photo above, Gregg desperately clung to the tiny bit of fan-dom these guys gave him.
And yes, you can still sign up to be an official Zaunbie on his web site. I have, and I eagerly await the resulting changes in my life.
He Did Steriods And Then He Lied About It
Zaun's on that huge list of names of baseball players who took steroids to get good.
I mean, just look at those forearms!
He denied use, of course, and he said the check was only made out to the supplier because he had lost a $500 bet on a basketball game. His official statement was, "It's more than likely I was still mad about losing the bet, so I wrote $500 in the box, signed it, then flipped it at him in disgust."
Still, his name appears in the Mitchell Report, right between Chuck Knobloch and David Justice. Awesome.
He's A Big-Time Alcoholic
This picture is unrelated, but still magnificent.
Gregory Owen Zaun's alcoholism has been well documented, and like any other athlete or celebrity's scandalous issue, hilarious.
He drank his way out of the MLB completely at one point. There's even a Facebook group for him called, "Lets Get Zaunned: Tribute to Everyone's Favorite Recovering Alcoholic." Real, I'm one of 39 members and there hasn't been a post since late 2008.
He stopped drinking when he met his wife, which I suppose is probably a fairly sobering affair or whatever.
He loves Rush
Not only does he love Rush, but Rush's lead singer, Geddy Lee, actually came to a few of his games and feigned interest in him.
Apparently old Greggers was pretty excited to see Geddy behind him at home plate. Like, a little too excited. Like, embarrassingly so.
He won a World Series
Well, technically. He was the backup catcher to some guy named Charles Johnson for the 1997 Florida Marlins when Craig Counsel destroyed all the Indians.
Zaun, in his only trip to the playoffs in his 15 years of MLB service with nine different teams, played in a whopping three games and impressively went 0 for 2 in his at-bats.
Way to make the most of that opportunity, Gregg! That ring must be a great reminder of all the contribution you didn't make for your team.
He Is Milwaukee's starting Catcher
No one's quite sure why. Probably because he fits in with a list of recent Brewers catchers who hit very poorly and kind of do an acceptable job defensively.
Also, he catches huge ass fish sometimes and takes ridiculously funny pictures of himself holding them.
I look forward to all your double-play ground-outs this year, Gregg. Please do some goofy stuff so I can laugh at you more.