Tiger Woods and the Top 10 Athletes To Keep Your Daughter Away From

They say that raising children is hard, but I’m sure whomever “they” are never had to deal with the internet, web cams, chat rooms, camera phones, text messages, and prowling sex offenders. Oh sure they had those “bad boys” but the landscape of being an overprotective father has changed.

The advice for boys is simple – just keep them away from the pope. The newest debacle with Tiger Woods has his 22-year old neighbor coming out to point the finger. Great. This is exactly why I moved out of my parents’ house when the neighbors’ daughters started walking. When it comes to raising girls, these ten athletes have raised the bar emphatically for why dad’s have every reason to chain their little girls to the radiator and train them in the art of combat until they’re ready to get married at the age of forty-seven.

Richard Seigler

The former linebacker for the Steelers, Niners and Toronto Argonauts is known less for his impact on the field, and more for his silver tongue on the streets. While the rest of the guys on this list are deadbeat dads, drug addicts or scumbags, Seigler holds the distinction of being the only pimp on the list.

We’ve never been able to figure out if Seigler was really a pimp, or just a horrible ex-boyfriend, but anyone with that rap should have to wear a sign around his neck that says “I will try to sell your daughter for an hourly rate if you’re stupid enough to let her anywhere near me”.

Ben Roethlisberger

I still can’t figure out if this guy just parties too much for his own good, or is so high-profile that girls can’t resist. Part of me want to say that “we’ve all been there” with a girl, where we’ve crossed a line by a millimeter and then felt like a douche. I guess it’s just that when the majority of us over step our boundaries in college, we also don’t have kazillions of dollars for these chicks to go after.

Until the case is tried in full, I don’t want to tag Big Ben as anything more than a Super Bowl champion and an awesome teammate. Still, you don’t see Matt Leinart getting in to this kind of trouble. Actually, we don’t see Matt Leinart doing much of anything these days.

Shawn Kemp

Listen, Shawn Kemp is bad. The Rain Man released the kraken on several occasions, becoming a coke fiend, a fat slob and a father of seven kids by six women. Worst of all, he allowed a potentially glorious NBA career to fall in to the crapper along with the rest of his life. But the Rain Man isn’t nearly as bad as The Mail Man. Yeah, you read that right. No list like this is ever complete without Kemp so let’s just include in and move on.

Darren McFadden

If there’s anyone that will take over for Travis Henry’s reign as league leader in illegitimate children, it’s McFadden. Even before he got to the NFL, McFadden was battling paternity suits. He has three reported children, and may have a few more in hiding. Who knows?

This is what I don’t get about college athletes. How many stories are there like Travis Henry and Shawn Kemp? We all idolize the pros, but even those who are aspiring prospects have to know that the old “baby mama” trap still lurks out there. I know that everyone hates condoms, but how does a guy like McFadden just talk himself out of it?

Sure you can say “it’ll never happen to me”, but for it to happen three times is kind of silly.

Alex Rodriguez

He’s not the typical dirt bag, and if you have any type of funny bone, then the way he used Kate Hudson as a good luck charm during the World Series should be pretty humorous to you. But this guy has a well documented love affair with hookers. I don’t care if they’re high-class escorts…they’re still girls who get paid to have sex with you.

If this guy walks through my doorstep with my daughter, I’m sure a few things would flash through my head like:
“Wow…a world series champion is dating my daughter!”
“Holy crap, she’ll be set for life. This guy’s made almost a half-billion dolllars!”

But inevitably only one thing matters:

“This guy better not put his hooker loving penis inside my little girl."

Tiger Woods

Just when Tiger was moving on, letting Jesse James take all his heat, and returning to the PGA Tour, out comes his kind-of-chubby neighbor, Raychel Coudriet. I don’t know what bugs me more about this. The fact that she has a “Y” in her name for no damn good reason, or the fact that she apparently decided to wait a good four months since this whole thing started to unfold to tell the world that she’d had an affair with Tiger.

Whether she’s a real whore, or an attention whore, the fact is that she’s missed the boat. The idea that this girl lives right next door to Tiger’s family and has been plotting the timed release of this story is creepier than Tiger having sex with a 22-year old idiot.

In any case, people are less concerned with Tiger Woods’ infidelity than they are with this kind of tabloid stuff anymore. Tiger has 5/1 odds of winning The Masters at Augusta National, and people are more concerned about his return to golf than they are about his alleged mistresses. That time has come and gone. I’ll give Raychel with a “Y” about +10000 odds of being an actual mistress and -500 odds she’s just an attention craving lunatic.

Calvin Murphy

Don’t know who Calvin Murphy is? Well you should. Not only is he a hall of fame basketball player, he holds the record for fathering the most children out of wedlock by any athlete. The only thing that Calvin Murphy preferred over having 14 kids with 9 different women…is molesting them.

Mark Chmura

Mark Chmura is known as much for being a Green Bay Packers tight-end as for chasing 17-year old tight ends in a high school party hot tub. At a post-prom party in 2000, Chmura did something…what’s the word…”unsanitary” with the underage babysitter of his children. I can’t even comprehend what a 30-year old professional football player would even think by going to a high school party. Had this guy never seen that scene with Tweeter in Varsity Blues?

He admitted that his play-action at the high school party “wasn’t something a married man should do”. We can all learn a lesson here. It doesn’t matter if you’re married or single. If you consider yourself a “man”, then stay the hell away from high school parties. I for one know that when my kids are throwing parties, I am getting the hell out of there.

This isn’t even my favorite part of the whole story. Chmura was released from the Packers despite being an integral part of the Super Bowl XXXI championship team. After his release, no team would go anywhere near him as if he were – ahem – an underage high school girl. So where does he work? For the law firm that represented him during the trial. I’m sure there’s a “scumbag taking scumbags under their wing” but I’m pretty sure that Chmura wasn’t able to afford his legal bills. It’s like if you can’t pay your bill at a restaurant so you wash dishes for a while until the tab is cleared. Except when it’s a law firm, the “dishes” are “research documents” and the tab is probably a lot more expensive than a veal parmesan.

Karl Malone

You know how husband’s in the 50’s were always scared of the milk man or the mailman having an affair with their wife? Well if Karl Malone was their mailman, they should’ve been. One of the greatest power-forwards to play the game, Malone will be inducted in to the basketball Hall of Fame along with the rest of the Dream Team. But this devout Christian has been anything but a heavenly father.

Malone has four kids with his current wife, but back when he was just a rambunctious teenager, Karl was up to no good. At the age of 17, he fathered a pair of twins, one of whom is named Cheryl Ford, who is now a 28-year old veteran of the NBA.

He’s also the father of Demetrius Bell, the left tackle for the Buffalo Bills, whose mother gave birth to him when she was 13 YEARS OLD. Bell and Malone acknowledge their paternal link, but Malone banished Bell from his circle of fun way before the kid even had a chance. Bell has gone his entire life without a father, even though he’s known who it was the entire time. When he reached out to Malone, the Mailman basically told him to screw off and be his own man. Good thing he made it to the NFL.

Tiki Barber

Tiki Barber is the same a-hole who ditched the New York Giants so he could pursue a broadcasting career. While pursuing that career he would become enamored with a hot, 23-year old, blonde intern. So what if he’s been married for eleven years and is one month away from seeing his wife giving birth to twins?

Traci Lynn Johnson may be enjoying the high life with Tiki now, but what the hell does she think is going to happen when she gets pregnant? “No baby, I’d never do that to you…you’re special.” We all know Traci isn’t a real blonde (just look at her freaking eye brows) but she’s sure acting like an idiot if she thinks that wrecking a marriage and taking a dad away from his kids doesn’t have some sort to karma attached to it.

Tiki Barber’s impetuous and selfish aspirations have affected his career as a reporter, a running back and now as a father and husband. I feel bad for Ginny, his ex-wife, but I feel kind of worse for his twin brother Ronde. I’m sure Ronde has had to look at his wife and say, “Listen we just look alike, nothing else is the same!”