As Tiger Woods prepares to play in the most important tournament of his life, it’s not only a time to look forward to the Masters, but also a time to look back at what makes this so important for him in the first place: his mistresses.
They are 15 strong (didn’t quite get to 18 before the tournament) and only 12 whose names we know for sure.
And since they are all undoubtedly going to be on his mind this week, I thought that I should pair them up with the other sexy ladies that are looking to make Tiger’s life miserable: the holes at The Masters.
The very first hole of the Masters goes to the very first mistress to come to light.
Rachel Uchitel set the standard for everyone that came after her. Before we even knew it, she had given us Tiger's type: nice body, large chest, and a little bit trashy.
Just like the first hole at Augusta kicks off the most famous golf tournament in the world, Rachel kicked off the largest scandal in sports history.
The second hole at Augusta is the longest—or biggest, if you will—of the tournament, yet it’s also one of the easiest.
I bestow this hole to Joslyn James. One of the biggest (in certain areas) and, as a porn star, definitely one of the easiest.
Let’s just put it this way, you’ve got a much better chance of racking up a birdie with Joslyn James than bogeying.
As the shortest par four of the tournament, Hole Three is a bit of a tease. So was Julie Postle.
From all appearances, Postle seemed like a hottie, but we never heard from her nearly as much as I would have liked to.
And is it me, or does she kind of resemble Mario’s Peach as well?
Not to be too mean to Ms. Lawton (or to Hole Four, for that matter), but Mindy was, by my account, the least attractive of Tiger's mistresses.
I just couldn’t get over how much she resembled one of the daughters on Rosanne.
Hole Four is named “Crab Apple,” which I think describes Lawton on this list. In a sea of luscious fruit, she’s the crab apple.
Hole Five is probably the most protected hole on the course. It’s surrounded by five—count them, five—different bunkers.
Cori Rist is probably the most protected mistress out there, aside from the unnamed ones, which I don’t really count anyway.
She lawyered up pretty much immediately and we haven’t really heard from her since.
The eighth hole of the Masters is tricky because an uphill shot to the green leaves you coming in blind.
We were all coming in blind when Tiger’s third mistress told everyone that she didn’t kiss and tell, which left us throwing up ideas and just hoping they stuck.
Kalika and Yellow Jasmine could be a whole lot more cooperative.
Theresa Rodgers was one of the most difficult women to find out of all of Tiger’s mistresses. She gave anybody who was trying to look for her absolute fits.
She definitely resembles the tenth hole at Augusta.
Camelia is a b***h. The sloped green makes coming away with a par pretty much the best you can hope for.
Like Theresa, if we got even a decent picture, we could let out a sigh of relief and move on.
To the most important stretch on Augusta, I bestow upon the woman I believe to be the most important of the Woods saga.
Back when this whole thing first took off, everybody was still skeptical until Grubbs released a voicemail from Tiger asking her to take her name off of her phone.
This juicy tidbit was what made everything real and allowed more and more mistresses to come out of the woodwork so that we actually bought it.
You wouldn’t have Augusta without Amen Corner and we might not have had this whole ordeal without Jaimee Grubbs.
Once you finish with Amen Corner, the 14th hole seems like an absolute treat. With its beautifully sloping greens, it’s a welcome sight to plenty of golfers.
Loredana Jolie was an absolute treat for me. She came later, like an extra added bonus, and not only was she hot and probably the least gross-looking porn star, but she was super forthcoming, appearing in the Howard Stern beauty pageant and posing for some scrumptious photos in Vanity Fair.
Also, she has a beautifully sloping body. That is all.
For the hole made famous by Tiger Woods’ legendary chip-in, I give to the winner of the Howard Stern mistress beauty pageant and my personal favorite at the time she came out, Jamie Jungers.
This model put out some of the tastiest pictures of any one of the mistresses and just kept adding fuel to the fire. I couldn’t get enough of her. Thankfully, I wasn’t the only one.
So for my favorite Tiger moment, I’m going with my favorite Tiger mistress.
Another porn star?
By the time Devon James came out in March, I was all mistressed out. I was ready for this whole thing to be over.
I imagine that getting to 17, you see the end in sight and you’re just ready to be done with Augusta, especially if it raked you over the coals like Tiger’s mistresses did to him.
Who else could I give this hole to than its namesake?
Holly Sampson was by no means the conclusion of Tiger’s mistresses, but she was a crucial one.
Holly was our first porn star, which when she came out kind of made it seem like anything was possible.
I’m a dreamer. I like things that way.
Thank you Holly, even if you did eventually claim you slept with him before he was married.