...that the Marlins would be knocking on the door of first place, I would say, "how is that possible with about one and a half pitchers?"
...that Ian Kinsler is the American League MVP, I would say, "Really? They've got the second coming the Natural and another guy with an OPS above 1.000."
...that the Pirates have one of the best, if not the best, outfields in baseball, I would say, "Xavier Nady, Nate McClouth, and Jason Bay? Noooo stop pulling my leg."
...that Tampa Bay would be a close second in the A.L. East, I would say, "That's amazing considering Carl Crawford and Carlos Pena haven't performed to expectations this year and B.J. Upton isn't hitting for any power."
...that the Dodgers could be three games under .500 and be a game out of first place, I would say, "the N.L. West should just forget baseball and decide the division with a rousing series of Rock, Paper, Scissors."
...that the Indians would be sellers this season, I would say, "What a waste of Cliff Lee's improbable return to grace."
...that the Brave's pitching staff would be one of the better staffs in baseball, I would say, "Roger McDowell, the Brave's pitching coach, is one of the best in baseball for dealing with the multitude of injuries that have decimated that staff."
...that the Angels would get 23 wins from two pitchers, I would have said, "John Lackey has won 18 games and Jared Weaver has won five. That can't be right. Right?"
...that Jay Bruce would tear Major League Pitchers a new one for two weeks and then blow, I would say, "I wish I would have known that to save my second-to-last place fantasy team."
...that Manny Ramirez would high five a fan and talk on his cell phone inside the Green Monster during a game, I would say, "Oh that Manny...he's one silly goose."
...that the Giants' offense would be last in home runs, I would say, "No duh. No Barry, no homers."
...that Gavin Floyd would have ten wins at the All-Star Break, I would say, "What are the odds two Gavin Floyd's would make the majors in the last few years? This can't be the same Gavin Floyd who had an ERA approaching seven in Philadelphia?"
...that Christian Guzman would be the National's best hitter, I would say, "Wait, so Washington's Double AA affiliate is also named the Nationals?"
...that Rich Harden would spend only a few weeks on the disabled list this season, I would say, "The A's finally might get almost a full season from the guy that could lead them to the pla...oh wait. Never mind."
...that the Cubs have the best three headed monster in the Bigs with Rich Harden, Ryan Dempster, and Carlos Zambrano, I would spit out the beverage I'm currently drinking in comedic fashion and say, "I think they have more pitching now than since their last World Series."
...that the Orioles would...actually the Orioles are pretty much being the Orioles right now; they are currently hitting their annual mid-summer swoon.
...that the Rockies, Padres, and Mariners would be a combined 59 games under .500, I would say, "Now do you understand why there's an East Coast Bias?"
...that the Twins are in second place, I would say, "What is this? Opposite Day? They cannot possibly be ahead of the Tigers and Indians."
...that the Phillies would be relying on their pitching staff rather than their offense, I would say, "That's just silly considering Ryan Howard, Chase Utley, and Pat Burrell all have at least 23 home runs and Brett Myers is an Iron Pig."
...that Major League Baseball was finally implementing instant replay, I would say, "Thanks for finally leaving the Ice Age Bud SeNeanderthalig."
...that Roy Oswalt would allow a ton of base-runners and regress this year, I would say, "Told you So."
...that the Diamondbacks would be under .500 and leading the N.L. West, I would say, "Just see the Dodgers way above."
...that the Tigers would still enter the break at .500 with only one stud pitcher, I would say, "Baseball is just weird considering that one pitcher's name isn't Justin Verlander, Dontrelle Willis, Kenny Rogers, or Jeremy Bonderman."
...that the Mets would fire their manager in the middle of the night and have numerous clubhouse issues all year, I would say, "They must have found a good family counselor in the phone book because they cannot lose right now."
...that C.C. Sabathia would be on the same team as Prince Fielder, I would say, "I wonder who would win in a vega-burger eating contest."
...that the Blue Jays would be in fourth place, I would say, "No kidding. Not me, nor will any other team take them seriously until they change the name of the Rogers Centre back to the SkyDome."
...that Kyle Kendrick would be the Phillies' second best starting pitcher, I would say, "It's a good thing the Phillies never traded him for Kobyashi."
...that the Royals weren't in last place, I would say, "Get the champagne ready and organize a parade."
...that St. Louis would get double digit wins from Kyle Lohse, I would say, "So Dave Duncan can make Lohse a ten-game winner, but he couldn't get Rick Ankiel to throw a pitch in the same time zone as home plate? That obviously makes a lot of sense."