Notice to Certain NBA Players: Please Retire, You're Killing Us

Jux Berg

Columnist Written on November 14, 2007

NBA players make good money.

Such good money, as a matter of fact, that a lot of them hang on way past their prime to provide teams with "veteran leadership" and get dunked on—just for a paycheck.

Then, of course, there are plenty of annoying players who nobody really wanted to watch in the first place.

Here is a list of guys who have worn out their welcome:

1) Antoine Walker – MIN

He’s 6 foot 9, but shoots like he's 5 foot 6, with all of his little floaters, teardrops, and runners. I don’t know about you, but I have had ENOUGH of Antoine Walker. I would rather watch octogenarians have Viagra-aided sex than watch him play any more.

2) Shane Battier – HOU

Wow, he knows how to take a charge. Give him the MVP right now.

3) Josh Boone – NJ

Most worthless player in the league. Can he make a shot from further than three inches from the basket? Can he pull down double-digit rebounds? Can he NOT have a dumb look on his face ALL THE TIME?

Nope. Nice first-round pick, Nets. That’s some solid scouting right there.

4) Calvin Booth – PHI

My lord, how long has this uncoordinated mess been in the league? When he shoots a jumper it reminds me of my Grandpa taking a huge dump. Hang em up, Calvin...please, we’re begging you.

5) Bruce Bowen – SA

Bruce: We’re all very tired of watching you holding your man and flopping 90 times a night. Please, just stop. Please? C’mon man, PLEASE.

6) Brian Cardinal – MEM

The fact that this dude makes $6 million every year is enough to make me want to cut off my own junk and eat it. HIM? HE makes that much money?

The Grizzlies have built quite an organization. Why don’t they just offer Jon Koncak $10 mil just to come back and play?

7) Reggie Evans – PHI

Evans once grabbed a guy’s balls to try to get a rebound. 'Nough said.

We don’t need any ball-grabbers in the league, Reggie. If you want to grab guys' balls, go be a coach at Duke.

8) Penny Hardaway – MIA

That’s about all we need outta you, Anfernee. You can go now.

9) Juwan Howard – HOU

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written on November 14, 2007 Sports

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