Notice to Certain NBA Players: Please Retire, You're Killing Us
Such good money, as a matter of fact, that a lot of them hang on way past their prime to provide teams with "veteran leadership" and get dunked on—just for a paycheck.
Then, of course, there are plenty of annoying players who nobody really wanted to watch in the first place.
Here is a list of guys who have worn out their welcome:
1) Antoine Walker – MIN
He’s 6 foot 9, but shoots like he's 5 foot 6, with all of his little floaters, teardrops, and runners. I don’t know about you, but I have had ENOUGH of Antoine Walker. I would rather watch octogenarians have Viagra-aided sex than watch him play any more.
2) Shane Battier – HOU
Wow, he knows how to take a charge. Give him the MVP right now.
3) Josh Boone – NJ
Nope. Nice first-round pick, Nets. That’s some solid scouting right there.
4) Calvin Booth – PHI
My lord, how long has this uncoordinated mess been in the league? When he shoots a jumper it reminds me of my Grandpa taking a huge dump. Hang em up, Calvin...please, we’re begging you.
5) Bruce Bowen – SA
Bruce: We’re all very tired of watching you holding your man and flopping 90 times a night. Please, just stop. Please? C’mon man, PLEASE.
6) Brian Cardinal – MEM
The fact that this dude makes $6 million every year is enough to make me want to cut off my own junk and eat it. HIM? HE makes that much money?
The Grizzlies have built quite an organization. Why don’t they just offer Jon Koncak $10 mil just to come back and play?
7) Reggie Evans – PHI
Evans once grabbed a guy’s balls to try to get a rebound. 'Nough said.
We don’t need any ball-grabbers in the league, Reggie. If you want to grab guys' balls, go be a coach at Duke.
8) Penny Hardaway – MIA
That’s about all we need outta you, Anfernee. You can go now.
If you’re 6 foot 9, and all you can do is drop a soft, right-handed, petter dunk off of one foot, you have no business playing in the NBA. Plus, Howard's "jump" shot is the basketball equivalent of a goat having sex with a dead deer.
10) Raef Lafrentz – POR
I had enough of Lafrentz after watching his boring freshman year at Kansas...and he's STILL in the NBA? I can’t take this anymore. I’m gonna go jump off a cliff, or into an active, erupting volcano JUST so I don’t have to watch this guy play any more.
11) Vladimir Radmanovic – LAL
Alright, buddy: You signed your deal and got your chance to.start. 6.6 ppg last year, and a $5.5 mil contract—you’ve really shown you deserved that paycheck.
Go back to Croatia, get a horse, live in the mountains, and don't bother anybody.
12) Jacque Vaughn – SA
Remember the Family Guy where Chris asks "How does Kevin Costner keep gettin' work?" Well, go ahead swap the name Jacque Vaughn in there, because what has he EVER done to warrant a 10+ year NBA career?
Every time he checks into a game I’m watching, I flip the channel to C-SPAN—because farm-subsidy debates are 1,000 times more exciting than watching him play.
Did I leave anybody out? I’m sure there are more….
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