A Different Take On The Final Four: Duke vs. West Virginia (Satire)

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A Different Take On The Final Four: Duke vs. West Virginia (Satire)
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Being that Christmas Part II (the Final Four) is tomorrow, I thought i'd hitch up my sleigh and offer you some well thought out predictions.


Nobody knows what to expect from the Dukies. Frankly, this is uncharted waters for the little known basketball program from Durham, N.C.

"To be honest, I think the country is shocked we have made it this far," said first year head coach Mike Krzyzewski. "Prior to this season, Duke basketball was just about as relevant as recording artist Mike Jones."


In his first year at the helm, Krzyzewski has worked wonders with his squad. Perennial cellar-dwellers of the ACC, Duke has finally proven that they could ball with the country's elite.

"It's been a rough two decades for Duke fans," said Krzyzewski. "A fanbase as respectable as Duke's deserves better. I'm tired of the losing culture here."

The walking mispronunciation could not have spoken a truer word. Amidst their magical Cinderella run, the Dukies have captured the hearts of millions of fans nationwide.

"Everyone seems to love us," said senior forward Kyle Singler. "I don't think we've heard jeers all season...It must be partly due to my immaculately groomed appearance."

Following this season, Singler plans on moving to New York to pursue a career in male modeling. 

As the Blue Devils have never been a good shooting team, they will have to rely on their raw athleticism. The teams motto, "elevate and dominate," will need to be fully expressed if they are to have any chance against the Mountaineers.

"Fundamentals have never been my thing," said senior guard John Scheyer.

While the Dukies will try and out-leap the Mountaineers to the finals, West Virginia will rely on their inborn smarts to outwit the academically inferior Blue Devils.

The Mountaineers boast one of the most intelligent squads in the nation. In fact, the teams apparent obsession with their GPA's may in fact be their downfall.

Senior extraordinaire Da'Sean Butler is listed as questionable for tomorrows game, even though he is perfectly healthy. The reason?

"I got a huge midterm on Monday, man," said Butler. "It's 30 percent of my grade, and I gotta do well. I'm on the borderline for an A, and I need all the time to study that I can get."

Though losing Butler would be a huge blow to West Virginia's title chances, coach Bob Huggins has been nothing but supportive his star player.

"He's a student athlete," said Huggins. "We all know that school comes first."

Prediction: The refs will prove to be extremely biased against Duke, costing them a sure victory. The Mountaineers escape, 54-52.

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