Some pests are hard to get rid of.
Like Yankee fans.
As anyone who follows American League ball can tell you, they show up in droves at opposing ballparks whenever the Bronx Bombers visit.
With their charming ways, chainsaw accents, and oh-so-gentle demeanor, they continue to be ambassadors for the civility and "live and let live" attitude that their home city is so well known for.
But few realize that the entire Yankee fan species (blowhardus obnoxious) is actually split into several subsets or, from those who remember your high school biology days, phylum.
Just like rats, cockroaches, flies, and mosquitoes.
So we’ve gone back to our professors, and have put together the following slideshow of all the different types of Yankee fans, so that you can identify them and take whatever precautionary measures are necessary when the boys from the Bronx come to your hometown.
New Yorkers like to tell you how much they love it there…except most move right the heck out when they reproduce. Can’t have those little kiddies going to those city schools now can we. So they move out to the New York 'burbs.
Westchester, Fairfield County, Long Island, and Northern New Jersey.
Given their propensity to visit exotic, far flung locales with their larvae (known as “spoiled brats”), the Suburbanites can often be spotted away from their home nesting areas in visiting parks.
They are especially numerous in any park that happens to be near a Disney or other such attraction, which is needed to satisfy the voracious feeding and nurturing requirements of their larvae.
Some also can be found nesting far from the original New York metro area, due to a process called ‘corporate relocation’ which strikes them in great numbers.
This subspecies can be identified by the harried, frazzled look of the male and the plucked eyebrows and “I spent hours in the gym to achieve this” look of the female.
Can be dangerous when around the larvae, who will be allowed to obstruct your vision, kick the back of your seat, and generally annoy the living snot out of everyone in a 10-seat radius.
Treatment options include calling the usher, since the female of the species tend to react negatively to embarrassment.
Can also be counted on to leave promptly after the singing of “take me out to the ballgame” in the seventh-inning stretch.
The boys on Wall Street love the Yankees.
Why shouldn’t they? Wall Street is ruled by two emotions—fear and greed—which have been the Yankees modus operandi for quite a while now.
The guys who brought our financial system to the brink of ruin via the sale of things like derivatives, while maintaining their own gold-plated lifestyle, have a special affinity for the Yankees.
Must be the pinstripes, which is one of their favorite sartorial choices.
The Wall Street fans, fortunately, rarely stray from their home roost in the Big Apple. When they do visit other parks, they can be viewed in the sky boxes or most expensive seats behind the dugout which, rest assured, they have not paid a single penny for.
Just remember when you see one that the $1,000 Brooks Brothers suit and $5,000 Rolex, they are wearing are your tax dollars at work.
Danger level is low, since this sub species will avoid contact with you at all cost. They prefer to suck the life out of you via their congressman.
Right up there with the Wall Streeters are the advertising and marketing guys whose home roost is Madison Avenue.
These guys always go with the winners and, if you’re not winning, they switch sides. Simple, eh?
Works with their spouses also.
Given the state of the New York Mets, it’s safe to say you’ll see this sub species continuing their allegiance to the Yankees for the foreseeable future.
Can be spotted in the high bucks seats trailing their prey (also known as “clients”); known to come late and leave early, while yakking away on their cell or blackberry without regard for other fans…busy, busy, busy.
Another low danger pest, since most will look right through you unless you are in their seat or parking spot.
One of the most dangerous of the Yankee fan phylum is the Single Guy.
Their nesting sites in their home domain tend to be their parents basement or garage, which they cover with posters and paraphernalia of the ARod and Derek Jeter.
Since most couldn’t get a date with a fist full of pardons in a women’s prison, and their home nesting tend to be paid for by their parents, these guys have enough cash to get on the road and visit other ballparks.
The Single Guy, somewhat ironically, always travels in packs and feeds on a diet of beer, beer and more beer. Impervious to logic, shame, manners or other parameters of civilized behavior, they can be easily agitated.
Their loud bellowing and shouting can generally be heard a few sections away. They do occasionally mate with the female of the form (skankus skankus), who can be identified by the various hues of war paint that they wear to scare off all rational beings.
Avoidance of the phylum is recommended. If seated next to them, stay calm and try to ignore.
Can be found anywhere. Didn’t necessarily grow up in or around New York. Just like to go with whoever is winning.
Can also be seen wearing USC, Boston Celtics, Duke, and New Orleans Saints gear…whoever wins, baby.
Can generally be identified by lack of baseball knowledge,
The Queen Bee of the species originates from the Chicago area.
Generally harmless, but annoying.
Hailing from the outer boroughs and the working class sections of Jersey and Long Island, this phylum makes up the core of the Yankee fan base.
Given the difficulty of making a living in their home nesting ground, many of this type have migrated across the U.S. and thus can be seen, in great numbers, in ballparks whenever the Yanks visit.
Easily identified by the bellowing of the male of the species and the loud squawk of the female, and their signature call “fugetaboutit”.
Noted for their prodigious eating and drinking habits, this phylum can be counted on to loudly comment on how the service/food/people here generally suck and are not as good as back in New York.
Which most of the local natives wish they would get on a plane and return to, pronto.
So there you have it…the major sub species of the Yankee fan kingdom.
Like most pests, they can’t be eliminated, but can be controlled using simple common sense and general avoidance.
And just remember...they may be pests, but Yankee fans need love too, in their own very special way. After all, most have lived or do live in New York, which pretty much qualifies them as masocists...so show em' some love.
(Kids, these are professionals...don't try this on your own at home...at least not until you're out of high school!)
This has been brought to you as a public service by the Health and Human Services Division of Red Sox Nation, along with the Disease and Pestilence Control Center of the Texas Rangers.