Help Wanted: Ben Roethlisberger Looking for Employees

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Help Wanted: Ben Roethlisberger Looking for Employees
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With all of the issues that Ben Roethlisberger is going through, he has decided that he needs to upgrade his entourage. He has been instructed to do so by his lawyer, so he is taking his advice.

These positions are being filled at this time, even though there will be no need for these people until this Georgia case is completed.

I did a search on the Pittsburgh area Craigslist, and these ads can all be found there (not really).

 

WANTED: Personal Assistant

Professional quarterback is looking for a personal assistant. Your duties include, but are not limited to, carrying around a briefcase with legal papers that everyone that approaches me must sign prior to speaking with me. You will also be required to make photocopies of driver's licenses of every girl that wants to talk with me, have her picture taken with me, or even be in the same room as me.

Must be honest, hard-working, and able to tell the difference between a real driver's license and a fake one.

 

WANTED: Professional Videographers

Professional quarterback is looking for a team of videographers. Your responsibilities include, but are not limited to, videotaping every single second of every single day of my life. Eight positions will be filled, and you will work 24 hours on, 24 hours off. All equipment will be provided.

 

WANTED: Clothes Stylist

Professional quarterback is looking for a clothes stylist. Your job will be to make sure I always have at least five clean shirts, without stupid logos or sayings, so that when people want pictures of me, I can look like I have some idea what I am doing.

 

WANTED: Makeup artist

Professional quarterback is looking for a professional makeup artist. Must have experience.

Your responsibilities will be to make sure I do not look drunk anytime someone wants to take a picture of me. If you can make me look like I weigh what it actually says I do on Steelers.com, you will get a bonus.

 

WANTED: Personal Assistant

Professional quarterback seeks a personal assistant. Responsibilities include, but are not limited to, carrying around a portable breathalyzer and making sure that once I am at the legal limit, I immediately leave wherever I am and go home.

 

WANTED: Tour Bus Driver

Professional quarterback seeks a tour bus driver. Due to the fact that I am sometimes unable to take a girl all the way to a hotel, or my home, you are to drive said tour bus to the parking lot of whatever club I am at, so that if I have to use the restroom, I can do it in peace and quiet.

 

WANTED: Friends

Professional quarterback is seeking a group of people that are willing to hang out with me wherever I go and keep me from doing all of the stupid things that people say I am doing.

You will be my conscience, because obviously, I cannot trust my own.

 

If you would like to apply for any of these positions, please send e-mail with résumé, cover letter, and references. Females, please do not apply!

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