USC Football Coach Lane Kiffin: Sexiest Woman Alive?
Surely by now you've heard that Lane Kiffin is firmly entrenched in a battle for his womanhood.
Last week Esquire Magazine launched its own version of March Madness with a massive tournament seeking to crown the "Sexiest Woman in Alive."
Kiffin began the tourney as a 16 seed in the Sports bracket of the competition.
With the first round coming to an end this week, Kiffin holds a commanding lead on No. 1-seed Natalie Gulbis of LPGA fame.
At last count Kiffin leads the beautiful golfer by over 17,000 votes. Although clearly an upset of massive proportions, it shows that Kiffin is easily a formidible opponent in this competition.
The other "regions" in the 64-woman tournament include Television, Movies, and Music/Fashion.
The following is an in-depth breakdown of Kiffin's potential competition for the coveted title of Sexiest Woman Alive.
Round Two—Danica Patrick
In a mild upset it appears that the woman who took NASCAR by storm earlier this year, Danica Patrick, has defeated sports broadcaster Erin Andrews in the No. 8 vs. No. 9 match-up.
With a lead of over 6,000 votes on Andrews, Danica Patrick is sure to meet her match in round two.
Some are already billing this match-up as Motor Oil versus Motor Mouth.
While Patrick is certainly easy on the eyes, she's clearly not in the same league as the baby-faced Kiffin.
Expect the 16-seed to continue his (or her) march to the Final Four.
Sweet 16—Gina Carano
After soundly defeating No. 4 seed Serena Williams by nearly 50,000 votes, MMA fighter Dana Carano certainly has established herself as an early favorite to crash the Final Four party.
Unlucky for her, she is set to face Kiffin in the round of 16.
Or maybe it's unlucky for him.
Die-hard Tennessee fans everywhere will hope Kiffin at least comes out of this one with a cracked rib or two.
As long as Carano stays away from the face, however, Kiffin should use the momentum from a very close win in this Sweet 16 to propel him into the Final Four.
Elite Eight—Tanith Belbin
In the Sports regional finals, Lane Kiffin might finally meet his match.
'06 Ice Dancing Silver Medalist, Tanith Belbin, had a disappointing 2010 Winter Olympics, but as a No. 2 seed in this tournament she clearly has the looks and the moves to defeat Lane Kiffin in the Elite Eight.
When it comes to dancing around potential NCAA sanctions, Kiffin is clearly a master. Which means Belbin might not have such an easy time skating into the Final Four.
I think Kiffin's momentum from earlier matches, coupled with Coach Orgeron's swaying of the judges panel should be enough to defeat the ice dancer and allow Lane to break into the Final Four of the Sexiest Woman Alive Competition.
Potential Final Four Opponent—Minka Kelly
Best known, to me at least, as Derek Jeter's girlfriend, the star of Friday Night Lights is easily one of the best of the Television region.
Kelly received 92% of the vote in the first round over cable news reporter Megyn Kelly.
Minka Kelly's character on the hit show Friday Night Lights, Lyla Garrity, was the star quarterback's girlfriend before the quarterback's career ended with an injury.
Kiffin knows all about star quarterbacks.
He tried to be one at Fresno State before ineffectiveness, instead of injury, helped ease his transition into a coaching role—which he wanted anyway since Kiffin's father is one of the greatest coaches ever who apparently has connections everywhere.
Final Four—Evangeline Lilly
Perhaps the hottest star in the industry right now, Evangeline Lilly of Lost and the Hurt Locker would likely be Kiffin's opponent in the Final Four.
It would be a shame that such a beauty would be defeated by Lane Kiffin in the Final Four of this tournament, but I believe that's exactly what would happen.
Defeating Kiffin in the biggest single game of his life would be an uphill battle for Lilly, to say the least.
By the time Kiffin reaches the round of eight, everyone from Westwood to Gainesville to Knoxville will be voting for the 16-seed to take this tournament.
Kiffin advances to the finals.
Potential Finals Opponent—Carrie Underwood
If there's any justice at all, Carrie Underwood will make the Final Four. As a ridiculously under-seeded No. 3, Underwood will likely face No. 1 Beyonce in the Music/Fashion Regional Final.
While it's not likely that the country star can make it past the beautiful diva to face Kiffin in the finals it has been said that the NCAA would love to see the matchup.
Underwood's hit "Before He Cheats" has apparently become a favorite of the NCAA infractions committee in recent weeks.
Potential Finals Opponent—Gisele Bundchen
Also from the Music/Fashion region, Tom Brady's model-wife could pose an incredible risk to Kiffin in the Finals.
As a No. 5 seed going against primo competition it's not likely that Bundchen will even make the Final Four, but there is no doubt that Kiffin would benefit from some time with Brady should the model meet the coach in the Finals.
Although Brady never faced the Raiders when Kiffin coached at Oakland, the result of that game would likely be the same of Bunchen versus Lane.
Considering the '07 Patriots did not lose a regular season game, a potential game against the Raiders would not have been pretty—at all.
After a stunning round one upset of No. 1 seed Megan Fox, 16 seed Helen Mirren seems destined to breeze through to the finals.
After defeating Fox by 30,000 votes and becoming the only 100,000-plus vote-getter, Kiffin has finally met his match.
Among the British actresses prior achievements is an Academy Award for playing the Queen of England in The Queen.
The beautiful 63-year-old actress worked her way from the stage to four Academy Award nominations and countless Emmy Awards.
It took the actress 40 years from the beginning of her acting career to its crowning achivement of winning the Best Actress Oscar in 2006.
Among Lane Kiffin's accomplishments is the fact that he's former NFL defensive guru, Monte Kiffin's son.
Kiffin parlayed his last name into becoming a backup quarterback at Fresno State before becoming Pete Carroll's part-time offensive coordinator at USC.
When the NFL's top talent scout, Al Davis called, Kiffin became the head coach of the Oakland Raiders.
After Kiffin's 5-15 stint in Oakland he returned to college to become the head coach at Tennessee, one of the SEC's premier programs.
After going 7-6 with the Vols, Kiffin's meteoric rise culminated in his becoming the head coach at arguably the most successful college football program in America over the past decade.
And it only took Lane three years to go from the disaster with lowly Raiders to the top job in college football.
Mirren's rise to the top has gained her accolades and fans the world over. Kiffin's rise to the top has placed him in the Finals for Sexiest Woman Alive.
In the battle of 16 seeds, Mirren's adoring fans will vote by the hundreds of thousands. Kiffin is likely to receive his share of votes for the opposite reason.
In the end, Mirren will win the title and Lane Kiffin will have to settle for runner-up. With his luck he'll probably turn that loss into promotion to Athletic Director at USC.