Wow. Is Miami really, really bad or what?
Final game at the Orange Bowl, former 'Canes in da hizzy (including the Rock—we love the Rock!)...and how does the U respond?
By failing to score one...single...point, against the worst 9-2 team in America—the Virginia Takes-Things-Far-Too-Lightly's.
Five turnovers, 189 total yards, and one group emasculation—this might be justification for an on-the-spot firing of Miami head coach Randy Shannon.
Miami is now officially, and perhaps forever, Over.
I actually thought Illinois had a better chance of beating Ohio State than Michigan did.
One week after Darren McFadden was ushered back into the Heisman chase, Tennessee ushered him right out again.
Among the teams that are now bowl-eligible: Mississippi State (yes, you read that right), Northwestern, and Texas A&M.
And in a little-noticed development over the weekend, head coach Dennis Franchione offered to sell Aggie boosters "inside information" about his gastrointestinal regularity.
4,500 clients signed up.
Head coach Les Miles has taken to stalking the sideline with one hand partially inside the front of his purple jacket, in the fashion of a certain 19th-century French dictator.
Who was also a stark-raving maniac.
2. Oregon: UP
News out of Eugene is that, unsatisfied with the $200 million locker room he created for the Ducks, OU benefactor and Nike founder Phil Knight is adding a laser hair-removal booth staffed by genetically perfect and suggestively clad handmaidens.
3. Kansas: UP
The Jayhawks have become to college football what the Nebraska Cornhuskers were in the 1970s: Middle American white boys executing with the straight-line precision of a GPS-guided combine threshing acre upon acre of wheat.
Meanwhile, Nebraska has become to college football what the Dust Bowl was to the 1930s: a disaster of epic proportions in the middle of the country driving recruits to California schools like the topsoil tornadoes drove Tom Joad to the Golden State.
But at least, like Margaret Bourke-White, we're getting some good images out of Nebraska's freefall.
4. Oklahoma: UP
Barry Switzer is reportedly upset with this edition of the Sooners, complaining that they aren't cheating flamboyantly enough.
5. Missouri: UP
As they said in Highlander: "There can be only one!"
Between now and the end of the season, Kansas, Oklahoma, and Mizzou all play each other. Only one will survive ahead of WVU in the BCS rankings.
6. WVU: UP
If Pat White played on the West Coast instead of the East Coast where everyone sees his games, they'd be talking about him for the Heisman, just like Dennis Dixon.
Wait a minute—that didn't make sense.
Okay, how 'bout this:
Former Baltimore Orioles closer Randy Myers used to drive his manager crazy by walking batters on purpose to get to the one guy he knew he could get out.
I'd like to think that White made his heart-stopping fourth-quarter fumble on purpose, just so the Louisville Cardinals could tie up the game and let White win it on a magnificent, Mach 2 touchdown run in his gold uniform.
White moved so fast, he looked like a solid river of molten Mayan gold coursing between Louisville defenders.
7. Ohio State: DOWN SHARPLY
The Illinois win won't stop the world's last Ron Zook hater from registering www.stillfireronzookbecauseittookhimthislongtobeattheohiostate.com.
8. Arizona State: UP SLIGHTLY
Dennis Erickson attends ParrotCon, the annual gathering of Jimmy Buffett fans.
9. Georgia: UP SLIGHTLY
After his team scores its first touchdown against Auburn, Georgia coach Mark Richt orders the Bulldogs to "celebrate appropriately."
Richt feigns surprise in postgame press conference when his team responds by "pantsing" all backups standing on the Auburn sideline...and head coach Tommy Tuberville.
10. Virginia Tech: UP
DIE, why don't you?!