Joe Mauer is Better Than Me

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Joe Mauer is Better Than Me
IconIt's been a while since my last article, and to both of my fans I would like to apologize. The thing is that I have spent a lot of time recently reflecting on my life and what my purpose in life is. Some might say, "Jon, you're smart and funny and a hell of a guy - what do you have to question?" To them I say, "You forgot smart. Wait...whatever."
Anyway, like many Minnesota men I have been jumping on the Twins train lately and salivating over the losses of both the Red Sox and White Sox. And then the inevitable happened: I started to compare myself to All-Star catcher Joe Mauer.
Admit it — we've all done it. Some far better than me, some worse - and to those that are in fact worse, I pity you. After thorough reflection, I am confident enough in my inferiority to stand up and yell, "Joe Mauer is better than me, okay? I admit it!"   How is Joe Mauer better than me? Let me count the ways:
1. Joe Mauer is a professional baseball player. I am an unemployable grad student. Believe me, when chicks say that they look for a smart guy with a sense of humor, they're full of shit. (Joe 1, Jon 0)
2. Joe Mauer is hitting over .360. I still have problems in the 60 mph cage at the local batting cages. (Joe 2, Jon 0)
3. Joe Mauer is worth an estimated $30 million (predicted contract). My bank account is so low that I can't make a withdrawal from any ATM with a $20 minimum. (Joe 3, Jon 0)
4. Joe Mauer is 6'4". It doesn't matter how tall I am - admit it, 6'4" is perfect! (Joe 4, Jon 0)
5. Joe Mauer's roommate is MVP candidate Justin Morneau - mine is my wife. Draw. Admit it honey. (Joe 5, Jon 0)
6. Joe Mauer's backup is Mike Redmond (a 10-year MLB veteran hitting .330). I don't want to tell you who my wife says her backup for me is. (Joe 6, Jon 0)
7. When Joe Mauer goes to huggable Ron Gardenhire and says that his knees hurt and he needs a day off, Ron pats him on the back and tells him to take all the time he needs. When I tell my friends that my knees hurt, they make jokes about my sexual orientation. (Joe 7, Jon 0)
8. Joe Mauer graduated from Cretin Duram Hall in 2000. I graduated from Mounds View in 1999. I really hated high school, but I still win because Cretin sucks! (Joe 7, Jon 1)
9. Joe Mauer was drafted 1st overall out of high school. I switched my major four times as a student at the University of Minnesota -Duluth. (Joe 8, Jon 1)
10. Tonight Joe Mauer is getting ready to play in front of thousands of fans all over the nation. Tonight I am writing an article going over just a few ways that Joe Mauer is better than me. (Joe 9, Jon 1)
And Joe wins by a landslide. I feel ashamed.

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