An Email For The Ages: "What Tiger Should Have Said"

In Simmons' FootstepsContributor IMarch 12, 2010

PONTE VEDRA BEACH, FL - FEBRUARY 19:  Tiger Woods makes a statement from the Sunset Room on the second floor of the TPC Sawgrass, home of the PGA Tour on February 19, 2010 in Ponte Vedra Beach, Florida. Woods publicly admitted to cheating on his wife Elin Nordegren but maintained that the issues remain 'a matter between a husband and a wife.'  (Photo by Lori Moffett-Pool/Getty Images)
Pool/Getty Images

Here at the ISF offices, we are dedicated to our readers (all two of them) and check our emails on a weekly basis.  One reader (thanks, Dad) sent us an email titled "What Tiger Should Have Said."  Naturally, our receptionist opened the email and was almost in tears within about a minute or so. 
*Note: If you've read this email and did not laugh, you have absolutely no sense of humor and should consider watching something other than Fox News all day.

"To my wife, I'm sorry.  I f***ed up but I'm not changing so you'll either put up with this s**t or I'll stroke you the check I agreed to in the pre-nup...sorry.

To my fans, get over it.  Where I stick my d**k is none of your business.  If you care...sorry.  I don't need any of you in order to make 10 times in one year what you'll make in a career.  I promise to continue to hit 4-irons from 210 yards to within 10' of the hole and drop putts that you couldn't read in a million years.  If that's not good enough for you, go watch tennis.

To the media.  You c***suckers are the only ones more two faced than I am.  Kissing my a** for all those years and then ripping me every chance you've had since Thanksgiving.  F**k all ya'll.  I'm glad I don't have to take the time to sit and answer the same bulls**t questions over and over again. 

To the other golfers.  Kiss my cablanasian a**!  You motherf****rs come out ripping me when I've put more f***ing money in your pockets than you could count.  You think anyone has been paying to see Jesper-f***ing-Parnevik?  Give me a f***ing break.  I'm almost tempted to give up golf just to punish you guys but I think its going to be more fun to practice for the next few weeks and get back to making you all my b****es

That's all I got today folks...see ya at Augusta!  Oh, and Bambi, if you're listening I'll meet you at the Ritz in 45 minutes."

Great Scott!  Where to start?

Let's just take this word by word.

"To my wife, I'm sorry.  I f***ed up but I'm not changing so you'll either put up with this s**t or I'll stroke you the check I agreed to in the pre-nup...sorry."  A good start.  He is acknowledging the fact that he did fudge up.  He goes on to say that he's not chaning...any man that can say this and stay married is a legend.

His next paragraph he tells his fans what he thinks.  Personally, I think he is completely right!  We have no business in this.  If the middle aged man next door was accused of infidelity would we go and begin ripping on message boards?  Doubtful, unless you were Perez Hilton then it would be all over that thing he calls a blog.  The funny thing is that Tiger will come back hitting 4-irons from 210; now, to within 10'...that's debatable.  Nevertheless, neither you nor I could do it so give the guy a break he has and will continue to make more money than any of us.

We here at ISF are not offended with Tiger's would-be remarks to the media.  Obviously, he cannot not be talking about Bill Simmons considering the man definitely isn't two faced and has probably never interviewed him. 

Once again, though, Tiger is right.  The media did build him up to be this Christ figure in, not just golf, but sports in general.  As soon as the details of his infedelity broke, the media turned on him like Henry betrayed Paulie and Jimmy in Goodfellas. 

Lastly, he addresses his fellow golfers.  His opponents.  This isn't the only time we've seen other golfers ripping Tiger, but we have seen it happen much more often now.  Jesper "f***ing" Parnevik stated his regret of introducing Tiger to his future wife, Elin.  Both Parnevik and Woods have legitimate points: Parnevik is upset with himself.  He thought he had better judgment seeing Tiger as a nice, well-mannered, cablanasian man.  Woods makes a point in that he has been kicking Parnevik's ass since he stepped into the PGA circuit. 

Speaking of which, where is Parnevik?  The last time I saw Parnevik in the media relating to him golfing was in 2007 when he made a cameo in Who's Your Caddy?.  My sources tell me he can't even swing a golf club at the moment.

All in all, this email gave us all a good laugh here at ISF, but it also made us realize something else: Give Tiger A Break.  People make mistakes.  We all have, and have probably been forgiven by our peers.  Tiger makes a big one, but is completely turned on by not only the golfing world, but the world in general.  We've seen this in golf before.  Colin Montgomerie was faced with marriage problems recently, and guess what...we forgave him, no matter how big of a jerk he his, we forgave him. 

Of course, look at Montgomerie now.  His last win came almost three years ago.  Will the same happen to Tiger?  We hope not.  We need him for the great game of golf.