While the whole world knows that Yankee third baseman Alex Rodriguez and the Material Girl have successfully managed to break up at least one marriage—and possibly two—few know that A-Rod (OctoberCries13) and Madonna (KabbalahNut1) began their somewhat perplexing relationship in an AOL chatroom.
Too bad NBC’s Chris Hansen couldn’t have blown this up.
Chat No. 1
OctoberCries13: Would you like to chat?
KabbalahNut1: What? Who says that?
OctoberCries13: I do.
KabbalahNut1: And you are…
OctoberCries13: A major league baseball player. But “I’d Rather Be Your Lover.”
KabbalahNut1: I’m a megastar with a one-word name.
OctoberCries13: You’re Beck?
KabbalahNut1: No! Way off! Anyway, what’s up?
OctoberCries13: My home run production. Do you know Jose Canseco?
KabbalahNut1: Well, yeah, you could say that.
OctoberCries13: Well, I don’t. Don’t know him or his ex-wife. At all.
KabbalahNut1: Is this Alex Rodriguez?
OctoberCries13: Umm…uh-huh. Are you Madonna?
KabbalahNut1: Yeah…wanna grab a Starbucks?
OctoberCries13: Sure. Where? Your dojo?
KabbalahNut1: It’s called a Kabbalah Center.
OctoberCries13: Oops. “I’m So Stupid.”
KabbalahNut1: Yes, you are.
Chat No. 2
OctoberCries13: Hey, Material Girl.
KabbalahNut1: Don’t call me that. I’ve evolved. I’ve re-invented myself.
OctoberCries13: Could you re-invent yourself into a 25 year-old woman? “Your Little Body’s Slowly Breaking Down.”
KabbalahNut1: You’re a pig.
OctoberCries13: I think I love you. “Now I’m Following You.”
KabbalahNut1: You’re pathetic.
OctoberCries13: Sorry.
KabbalahNut1: Meet me at Starbucks, Sugarlips.
Chat No. 3
OctoberCries13: I’ve been thinking about you. And not my wife. Or children. “I Want You.”
KabbalahNut1: Have you given any thought to Kabbalah?
OctoberCries13: Yep. Scott Boras thinks he’s my bff but he’s not. I need a center.
KabbalahNut1: You need to come through in the clutch in the playoffs once in awhile.
OctoberCries13: Can Kabbalah help me produce in the playoffs? Help me “Keep It Together”?
KabbalahNut1: It sure as Hades can’t hurt. Anything to keep you from nutting up would be an improvement.
OctoberCries13: Sign me up.
KabbalahNut1: I already did.
Chat No. 4
OctoberCries13: Last night was amazing.
KabbalahNut1: It sure was.
OctoberCries13: I’ve never felt so content. I was “Like a Virgin.”
KabbalahNut1: Actually, you were. It was only your first Kabbalah class.
OctoberCries13: The instructor gave me a notebook. I drew a sad clown on the inside flap. “Nobody Knows Me.”
KabbalahNut1: Your next class at the center is tomorrow night. Don’t be late.
Chat No. 5
OctoberCries13: Madonna, who am I, anyway?
KabbalahNut1: You’re someone who has to be loved. By everyone.
OctoberCries13: I want to be the all-time home run leader.
KabbalahNut1: What about a world champion?
OctoberCries13: Jeter’s into all that crap. I’m so over it. “Nobody’s Perfect.”
KabbalahNut1: Don’t type with your mouth full. It’s unbecoming.
Chat No. 6
OctoberCries13: Would u like 2 go out w/me?
KabbalahNut1: What, are you in high school?
OctoberCries13: You don’t want to go out? “I’m Going Bananas.”
KabbalahNut1: No, I want you to type like a man. Capiche?
Chat No. 7
OctoberCries13: My wife’s with Lenny Kravitz. He scares me. I think there may be some “Hanky Panky” going on there. Oh, and I made my Kabbalah bracelet…does that make me a Jedi?
KabbalahNut1: You’re an idiot. By the way, I enjoyed the game. Thanks for the tix. Get me some more.
Chat No.8
OctoberCries13: Did you see my new home run celebration?
KabbalahNut1: Yes…what was that, anyway?
OctoberCries13: I “vogued”—it’s totally the “in” thing.
KabbalahNut1: Um—yeah—like, 20 years ago. Zip your fly, it’s not a barn.
OctoberCries13: What does that mean? And how can you see my fly?
KabbalahNut1: You forgot to disable your webcam. Loser.
Chat No. 9
OctoberCries13: My wife’s filing for divorce. How’s your marriage?
KabbalahNut1: It’s fine.
OctoberCries13: So you’re not breaking up with Gay?
KabbalahNut1: It’s Guy.
OctoberCries13: Sorry…Guy? But I’m getting a divorce because of you.
KabbalahNut1: Psyche. “Bye Bye Baby.”
comments (39) write a comment »
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2 months ago
This is funny. I actually started reading it believing it. I felt dumb by the second IM.
from 2 months ago
Sorry Bruce. On these fake news pieces, I never know if I should throw in a disclaimer at the beginning or not. Hey, if you thought it was funny, you're smart in my book (said the writer of the article).
2 months ago
LOL!!!!
Hilarious!
from 2 months ago
Glad you liked it, Adam!
2 months ago
Brilliant, Greg. One of your best, IMO.
from 2 months ago
International Maritime Organization?
JK!
from 2 months ago
What are you talking about? I meant the International Mathematical Olympiad. Duh.
from 2 months ago
Duh.
2 months ago
I absolutely am in love with the Mike Tirico line drops.
At least that's what It think you were doing.
from 2 months ago
Those are actually Madonna song titles.
from 2 months ago
What's sad is that they actually WOULD pass for Mike Tirico line drops.
Man...I really miss Dan Patrick and Phil the Show Killer. Thanks for making me cry, Tosten.
from 2 months ago
I miss Dan too, but for God's sake get rid of the Herd. Should be the Turd.
from 2 months ago
No doubt...
Dude, ESPN Radio has totally derailed...
from 2 months ago
check this out
http://deadspin.com/sports/top/here-are-those-tirico-stories-we-hinted-at-last-week-191242.php
"I think I'm in love with you"
"all I did all day was think about you"
- Tirico
"he kept following her"
- From the report, about tirico
Those are the couple lines I was talking about.
It sounds like Madonna is stealing Tirico's material for her music...
from 2 months ago
Tosten, you know, I read that book back in 2000. Totally forgot about those lines! Priceless...
You know what this means: TIRICO'S A MADONNA FAN!!!
My world is gaining clarity. Thanks, Tosten.
from 2 months ago
This has made my day.
2 months ago
this was very funny.
the "jedi" comment did it for me.
from 2 months ago
We all know what A-Rod can do with a baseball bat...A-Rod with a lightsaber...that scares me a little. Thanks for reading, Justin.
from 2 months ago
no prob, remember, A-rod with a light saber would be safe to go around only in the month of October.
from 2 months ago
Yeah, the Force is weak with A-Rod throughout October.
2 months ago
Awesome.
from 2 months ago
Thanks Chris-- should I "Take a Bow"?
from 2 months ago
HAHA ... just when I thought he was done!
LOL
2 months ago
How come nobody has hounded you for knowing so many Madonna tittles. What's going on with you Greg. What's next, you're going to be singing Mariah Carey for us all? "Touch My Body" Oh God, I'm doing it too. NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
from 2 months ago
lol first Rhianna, now Madonna on the Bleacher Report!
Mariah, call me , we'll work together on something ;)
from 2 months ago
Joe: Seriously I knew of Vogue and Like a Virgin, the rest I had to lift from this rather handy website:
http://madonna.songindex.org/
I also had to take a nice, hot shower after the article. This was far more disgusting than Below Average Joe's!
Adam: Didn't Mariah date Jeter or something at one point?
Always making connections.
from 2 months ago
Did they really? Nick Cannon might have some words to say to him. God! I know to much about popular culture. In my defense, Chelsea Handler is a funny show.
2 months ago
Well Greg, we all now know why the guy from your gym wants to kick your ass, what with you singing Madonna songs at 6 AM.
Great article
from 2 months ago
You'd think that guy would be hassling me, but he's got Bette Midler loaded on his iPod.
Learning that small nugget has helped me overcome my fear.
2 months ago
Greg,
I'm so glad you are getting back to writing. You are absolutely brilliant.
Ben
from 2 months ago
Thanks Ben, but I'm really just a big idiot with a laptop and a healthy dose of nonsense spewing out of both ends.
from 2 months ago
Ha, well I'm a big idiot with a laptop that loves to read the nonsense.
2 months ago
You should be proud of that...creative.
2 months ago
I just loved "listening in" on those conversations. Thank you for a good time.
from 2 months ago
No problem, Dorothy--I was just lucky to have gotten a hold of those transcripts!
2 months ago
g-man!!! great article!!
(BTW, everybody...greg used to blast madonna songs on the radio in our dorm room in college...really!!)
just kidding :)
from 2 months ago
It was Alanis Morissette and you know it, Knott!
2 months ago
This is pretty funny.
Did anyone see the photos of the Toronto fans holding the Modonna pics and waving them at A-Rod. He looked like he was about to kill them.
2 months ago
Nice work!
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