Dear Sports World,
I’m writing this letter to let you know that I am not happy. I’m not happy because the way I’ve been treated over the past few years has made me feel like I am a relic in this brave, new world full of sports celebrations.
Over the past thirty years I’ve carved out a pretty substantial legacy that includes being the go-to celebration of teams like the Redskins Fun Bunch and even video games like Tecmo Bowl. Yeah that’s right, freaking Tecmo Bowl.
Over the last three decades, if you pumped in a goal, scored a touchdown or hit a homerun, you were pretty much guaranteed to see me. Everyone was doing it. I remember getting choked up when Maverick and Goose did their personalized variation after a huge spike in their beach volleyball game versus Slider and Iceman. I was not only big in the real sports world, I was even big in homoerotic rec sports as depicted by Hollywood.
Hell, I even have my own Wikipedia page.
But apparently that hard-earned legacy has been tossed aside for crap like the fist bump or even worse, this “jump and bump” mess. Now I constantly get to see players jumping up like they’re going for a high five only to ram into each other like cavemen. Even douchebag coaches are getting in on that action.
I want you, sports world, to know that I don’t need you. I can and will move on to be the exclusive celebration of people in politics, Hollywood and the business world, no matter how awkward they are when trying to execute me. The handshake better watch it’s back, because I’m coming for it.
So it’s decision time, sports world. Am I the number one celebration of choice or not?
No one leaves me hanging.
The High Five